Okay, so I know I just posted a horrendously long blog entry the other day, but as I said in it I didn't have time or space to go into some exciting news about grad school - which was originally my whole point in writing. So, now that I've given people a couple of days to read my other entry if they were interested, I thought it'd be okay to come back and update about grad school.
Here's the first part of the exciting news: I think UT is my new #1 choice. It has been down to UT and Chapman for awhile, and I still love Chapman and am strongly considering it, but recent developments have moved UT into the lead.
I was looking at my Film School Confidential book the other day and I finally sat down and read the entire chapter on UT's film program. I hadn't realized that I had never read it in full because I had lent my book to Tim before I had even begun to consider UT.
But as I was reading the other day, I found out that most students that attend UT's film grad school get most if not all of their schooling paid for. I know that this is often the case in many disciplines for which you would pursue a graduate degree, but because film is kind of an... unnecessary degree most people end up paying for it out of pocket and suffering under the weight of enormous debt. However, because UT has such a small grad program (19 students) and such a large undergrad program (hundreds?), there are apparently enough TAships that nearly everyone that applies for one gets one. And a full time TAship is 20 hours/wk with free tuition and a living stipend. Hallejujah, amen!! This is just too good to be true... and if I can only get a half time one, that's still half tuition and half the stiped. Woot! And if I'm one of the unlucky few that can't get one at all, I still qualify for instate tuition and will have a $5000 AmeriCorps scholarship. So financially, UT is looking better and better all the time. The one big money downside? No funding for films - that's Chapman's biggest saving grace. Then again, Chapman's tuition is 30k/year.
Other things I love about going to UT:
* Staying in Austin - as much as I love the idea of moving to California, Austin really feels like my city and I'd love to know that I'll be here for a good while. And while it's certainly a gamble, the film industry here is growing quickly and there's a good chance (I'd wager) that getting entrenched here now could put me at the core of a sizable market 10 years from now. Not to mention that Austin is a much better city for non-profit work than LA (more on that later).
* Semester in LA - since no amount of love for this city can change the reality that isn't the best place to network for a career in film - that might be enough to make UT not a viable option. However, the school is well aware of it's isolated position and is working hard to make up for it. The best thing they've done? Opened a satelite campus ON the Universal Studios Lot in LA where you can spend one semester. So I could go there 2nd semester of my second year, set up a summer internship in LA and potentially network for a job for the following year! Another great thing they do is take 2 hours worth of the best footage from a given year and screen it for major studio execs in LA every spring. And of course... there's always the alumni network.
* Small size - while a smaller class means less future connections - it also means a closer knit community, more personal attention from professors, and less competition. Woo!
* Documentary program - given my growing interest in film as a means for advocacy (Invisible Children being my primary example) it seems almost fated that I would end up in the same city as one of the only graduate film schools renowned for both it's documentary and narrative film programs. As a first year grad student everyone learns both documentary and narrative filmmaking. They choose to specialize in one in their second year, but continue to work with students from both specialties. Yay!
* Minor requirement - as a true liberal arts school, UT requires all of it's film grad students to have a minor outside their area of study. The best part? They have a program I can minor in that's Nonprofit Management. What what?!
* Requirements more up my alley - while most film schools focus on applicants' writing ability over filmmaking experience (yay me!), UT is one of the only ones that heavily weighs GRE scores. While this is bad news for most people, my strong standardized test skills mean this could be key in getting me into this school
* Established network and connections - having only been in Austin 6 months, I've already established firm connections in both the nonprofit and film worlds in this city. And with my continuing campaign to convert everyone I know and love to Austinism, my own intended longevity here can only help that cause. And it gives me 3 more years to meet my cowboy.
So yeah, I'm more and more excited about the prospect of going to UT film, and I can't help but feel like I was led here by something bigger than myself. College Forward came along like an answer to a prayer, and rather than taking me away from either film or non-profit work, it's actually brought me to a place where those things seem to go together as well as peanut butter and jelly. How's that for a sign?
Not that I've completely ruled out Chapman. It has it's own benefits. Just as I was falling completely in love with UT, I read the chapter on Chapman and was reminded of what brought it to the top of my list in the first place. Alike so:
* Location, location, location - in my dear beloved California, with all the easy access to LA but none of the danger. A small town vibe on the edge of a big city and only 15 miles from the beautiful Pacific coast. And man oh man I do miss the ocean.
* The name - Chapman doesn't yet have the reputation of USC or NYU, but anybody who's anybody in LA knows that it's dancing on the verge. It's just waiting for the right student to come along and do something spectacular - pulling the school into the spotlight and themselves along with it.
* School funded films - while a 30k/year pricetag is a hefty bill to handle for tuition, the school's practice of funding all student films in nearly unheard of in the film school world. While I loathe the thought of taking out 90 grand in loans, it would be easier to get money for school tuition than to fund my personal films. And sicne all students get the same amount of money, I know Richie Rich and Darla Daddy's Girl aren't going to get ahead in the competition for best thesis just because they have a bigger trust fund.
* Scholarship potential - If I don't qualify for the TAship at UT, there may not be much in the way of scholarships given that it's a public school. But Chapman has a heck of an endowment and I even know a friend of a friend who got a full scholarship just by threatening to attend USC instead. Talk about your ace in the hole.
* Conservatory style - Both UT and Chapman embrace the idea of collaborative filmmaking, but Chapman actually structures it's whole program around it. It's conservatory style of learning, which means that you're fully immersed in the filmmaking process and learn all that goes into it by actually working in each different position. You come out of film school with guaranteed knowledge of the whole scope of filmmaking jobs. And what with the intensive schedule that starts off the program with a week of parties and meet-and-greets, along with a list of summer reading and movies to watch - this place is a veritable Hogwarts of moviemaking. And as far as I'm concerned, film is the next best thing to magic.
* Student-owned films - another wonderful trait pretty unique to Chapman is that - on top of funding all student films - they also let their students retain ownership over their work. This means that you're free to enter your films into festivals as you wish, and reap whatever financial and career benefits come from it.
Not bad, eh?
What this means is, if I can work my butt off building a portfolio and studying for the GRE and get myself into either one or both of these schools - I will pretty much be guaranteed a fantastic, life-changing, career making experience. This will happen.
I will make things like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BI_suOg7Awc
And this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuN0Z65sp5c
And this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSiQn_NALnE
Life will be grand. :D
Monday, February 16, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Let the sunshine in.
Texas is in a drought. Did you know this? Probably not, because 99% of the people who read this blog live nowhere near Texas. Nevertheless it is true. What's strange is that, because it's all I've ever known of Texas all this drought has translated to for me is endless days of sunny 77 degree weather in the middle of February. And it's quite hard to think of that as a bad thing. I'm sure it will seem less pleasant in July, but we'll cross that dried up riverbed when we get to it, eh?
In other news, one of my best friends here is surprisingly thinking of re-upping their Americorps contract at CF for next year. This should not actually be as surprising to me because I knew it was on the table, but I chose to pretend like it wasn't. Why you ask? Why would this not be exciting, happy news for me? The answer is - as always - that I'm a selfish person. And I like to get my way. And I don't want to be the only one of my friends not working at CoFo next year because it makes it that much harder to believe that I'm making the right decision by leaving.
Truth is, I really don't know if it's the right decision. I love my kids and for all its frustrations, I love CF. But I love other things too. And the passions that CF has kindled in me or reignited or fueled don't lead me back to CF. They lead me forward. And sometimes, moving forward might be all you know of what the right decision is. Not where you're moving forward to or why or even how, just that it isn't where you are. And none of this is to say I'm leaving Austin because it would most likely take an act of God to pull me away from this place right now.
I don't know exactly what next year is going to look like for me. It's weird being fairly certain of what 2 years from now is going to look like, and not knowing what 6 months down the road has in store. But I know that next year is going to be a year of figuring things out. Taking action in a number of different directions and throwing all of that into the air and seeing how things fall into place.
I know that's not what my parents want to hear, but sometimes you have to figure life as you go. And you have to give yourself freedom to do that. I moved here - at least in large part - because I knew that further down the road I was going to have to make hard decisions. About my life and where I choose to take it. And I wanted to have the distance to make those decisions for myself and not anyone else. So here I am.
This is what I'd like to see next year look like:
I'd like to see myself subbing, and if that doesn't provide enough hours or money, maybe working somewhere else part time as well. The responsible thing - I suppose - would be to get a full time job in some office somewhere, but if the year before grad school isn't the time to do less responsible things, then I don't know when is.
I'd like to believe that while I'm subbing and working part-time, I will have the energy and the time to invest my heart and soul into other things. Things like finishing my novel (if I haven't by then) or starting a new one (if I have). Things like educating myself on film, and making some of my own so that I can know for sure that it's what I want before I invest 3 years of my life into film school. Things like networking with other filmmakers in the area, and other nonprofits in the area. Maybe even networking with some nonprofits that do film work as advocacy. Because more and more, that does seem to be the shape that at least part of my future is taking. And - I'm learning more and more - that such groups of people exist.
I'd like to travel, if I can find the money and the support. To visit some of the NPOs I'm already familiar with and take a camera with me and see what happens. I want to have conversations with people that are about action more than just ideas. See, there are different ways of being responsible I think. I could anchor myself in something or I could anchor myself in clear concrete goals. Either way, I'm leaving behind the world of daydreams and stepping into what's real. It's hard. I'm a dreamer and a procrastinator.
But procrastination, I believe, is always driven by some sort of fear. And whatever that fear is, all you need is enough passion and ambition and strategizing to overcome that fear. I know that much. And if I know that much then it's possible for me to do it. One page at a time.
I talked to this really cool lady the other day and she asked me what is the one thing I want most for my life. She didn't categorize it any other way. She didn't say - in the long run or in your personal life or anything else. And what I said was I want to do film and help the world. And she said okay. So you're going to do both. How cool. What will that look like in your life? How do you imagine your ideal life in 5 or 10 years if it involved those 2 things. And I couldn't answer her. I said, "I don't know. I can't get past the vague idea." And she said that I had to start letting myself picture it in real, solid ways. Not necessarily realistic, just tangible.
So I've been thinking about that ever since. And I haven't gotten that far because when it comes to my future I can be an annoyingly big-picture kind of girl. But if I narrow it down to one day placed somewhere further along the timeline of my life, I can kind of conceive of this picture of what I'd like to see.
I'm in my car, driving. And I'm on the phone. For the sake of safety, let's say that I have one of those fancy cars where my phone is hooked up to my car's audio system and I don't have to have my phone to my ear or my headset. I'm explaining to the person on the other end of the line (I don't know who - a friend perhaps) that I'm rushing to get to the shooting sight of my film and I'm running late. I don't know for sure if I'm the director on this film, but I think I am. What I do know is that it's my film, I'm in charge of it, and it's my project, and it's a creative, commercial venture (not docu) that I've just begun shooting. I think maybe it's something that had been in the works for a while, but hadn't been filmed yet.
The reason it hadn't been filmed yet - I'm explaining to the old friend on the phone - is because the previous fall I was travelling between the U.S. and Brazil, or maybe Guatemala, filming a documentary that connects the strands between children growing up in our country and children growing up in whichever of those countries I was traveling to. I was studying the startling similarities that exist between the impoverished children in our country and those in others. It was an exhausting project, and I wasn't entirely satisfied with it, but I felt that we had struck on something real and deep.
And now - at this moment in the future, I have shifted away from that work back to a fictional, self-indulging project and just a few days before this moment when I'm driving in my car and talking on the phone I had been struggling with the transition, but then that same afternoon I had watched a scene unfold on set and I had seen this new young actor I had discovered strike on something real too - something within himself. And that one scene had reminded me once again why I do this work.
I cut my phone conversation short when Meredith (Loftis) beeps in on the other line. She wants me to call another Lightshiner she's been in contact with that needs the help of my particular expertise. I get the lowdown on the case from Mere and promise to call the Lightshiner when I'm done shooting for the day - as long as it's okay if I call late. She says that's fine and we make plans to catch up that weekend.
As I'm hanging up wiht her, I'm pulling into the dirt lot on the film site. Stepping out of my car, I take in the smell of fresh grass and notice how very much it feels like coming home.
I don't know if I'm married, or dating, or single. I don't know if I have kids. And I don't know how far I am from my family. I can't see that part yet, but I know that I'm happy. Tired, emotionally stressed, and busy as hell. But happy. And proud.
It's not a bad picture, right?
I was going to write in here about some exciting film school related news, but this entry is hella long and I've got to get up horribly early in the morning. So I'll let it go for now, but look for that in the next day or so.
Oh yeah... I went to the bookstore today and ended up buying The Poisonwood Bible. I'm really stoked!
In other news, one of my best friends here is surprisingly thinking of re-upping their Americorps contract at CF for next year. This should not actually be as surprising to me because I knew it was on the table, but I chose to pretend like it wasn't. Why you ask? Why would this not be exciting, happy news for me? The answer is - as always - that I'm a selfish person. And I like to get my way. And I don't want to be the only one of my friends not working at CoFo next year because it makes it that much harder to believe that I'm making the right decision by leaving.
Truth is, I really don't know if it's the right decision. I love my kids and for all its frustrations, I love CF. But I love other things too. And the passions that CF has kindled in me or reignited or fueled don't lead me back to CF. They lead me forward. And sometimes, moving forward might be all you know of what the right decision is. Not where you're moving forward to or why or even how, just that it isn't where you are. And none of this is to say I'm leaving Austin because it would most likely take an act of God to pull me away from this place right now.
I don't know exactly what next year is going to look like for me. It's weird being fairly certain of what 2 years from now is going to look like, and not knowing what 6 months down the road has in store. But I know that next year is going to be a year of figuring things out. Taking action in a number of different directions and throwing all of that into the air and seeing how things fall into place.
I know that's not what my parents want to hear, but sometimes you have to figure life as you go. And you have to give yourself freedom to do that. I moved here - at least in large part - because I knew that further down the road I was going to have to make hard decisions. About my life and where I choose to take it. And I wanted to have the distance to make those decisions for myself and not anyone else. So here I am.
This is what I'd like to see next year look like:
I'd like to see myself subbing, and if that doesn't provide enough hours or money, maybe working somewhere else part time as well. The responsible thing - I suppose - would be to get a full time job in some office somewhere, but if the year before grad school isn't the time to do less responsible things, then I don't know when is.
I'd like to believe that while I'm subbing and working part-time, I will have the energy and the time to invest my heart and soul into other things. Things like finishing my novel (if I haven't by then) or starting a new one (if I have). Things like educating myself on film, and making some of my own so that I can know for sure that it's what I want before I invest 3 years of my life into film school. Things like networking with other filmmakers in the area, and other nonprofits in the area. Maybe even networking with some nonprofits that do film work as advocacy. Because more and more, that does seem to be the shape that at least part of my future is taking. And - I'm learning more and more - that such groups of people exist.
I'd like to travel, if I can find the money and the support. To visit some of the NPOs I'm already familiar with and take a camera with me and see what happens. I want to have conversations with people that are about action more than just ideas. See, there are different ways of being responsible I think. I could anchor myself in something or I could anchor myself in clear concrete goals. Either way, I'm leaving behind the world of daydreams and stepping into what's real. It's hard. I'm a dreamer and a procrastinator.
But procrastination, I believe, is always driven by some sort of fear. And whatever that fear is, all you need is enough passion and ambition and strategizing to overcome that fear. I know that much. And if I know that much then it's possible for me to do it. One page at a time.
I talked to this really cool lady the other day and she asked me what is the one thing I want most for my life. She didn't categorize it any other way. She didn't say - in the long run or in your personal life or anything else. And what I said was I want to do film and help the world. And she said okay. So you're going to do both. How cool. What will that look like in your life? How do you imagine your ideal life in 5 or 10 years if it involved those 2 things. And I couldn't answer her. I said, "I don't know. I can't get past the vague idea." And she said that I had to start letting myself picture it in real, solid ways. Not necessarily realistic, just tangible.
So I've been thinking about that ever since. And I haven't gotten that far because when it comes to my future I can be an annoyingly big-picture kind of girl. But if I narrow it down to one day placed somewhere further along the timeline of my life, I can kind of conceive of this picture of what I'd like to see.
I'm in my car, driving. And I'm on the phone. For the sake of safety, let's say that I have one of those fancy cars where my phone is hooked up to my car's audio system and I don't have to have my phone to my ear or my headset. I'm explaining to the person on the other end of the line (I don't know who - a friend perhaps) that I'm rushing to get to the shooting sight of my film and I'm running late. I don't know for sure if I'm the director on this film, but I think I am. What I do know is that it's my film, I'm in charge of it, and it's my project, and it's a creative, commercial venture (not docu) that I've just begun shooting. I think maybe it's something that had been in the works for a while, but hadn't been filmed yet.
The reason it hadn't been filmed yet - I'm explaining to the old friend on the phone - is because the previous fall I was travelling between the U.S. and Brazil, or maybe Guatemala, filming a documentary that connects the strands between children growing up in our country and children growing up in whichever of those countries I was traveling to. I was studying the startling similarities that exist between the impoverished children in our country and those in others. It was an exhausting project, and I wasn't entirely satisfied with it, but I felt that we had struck on something real and deep.
And now - at this moment in the future, I have shifted away from that work back to a fictional, self-indulging project and just a few days before this moment when I'm driving in my car and talking on the phone I had been struggling with the transition, but then that same afternoon I had watched a scene unfold on set and I had seen this new young actor I had discovered strike on something real too - something within himself. And that one scene had reminded me once again why I do this work.
I cut my phone conversation short when Meredith (Loftis) beeps in on the other line. She wants me to call another Lightshiner she's been in contact with that needs the help of my particular expertise. I get the lowdown on the case from Mere and promise to call the Lightshiner when I'm done shooting for the day - as long as it's okay if I call late. She says that's fine and we make plans to catch up that weekend.
As I'm hanging up wiht her, I'm pulling into the dirt lot on the film site. Stepping out of my car, I take in the smell of fresh grass and notice how very much it feels like coming home.
I don't know if I'm married, or dating, or single. I don't know if I have kids. And I don't know how far I am from my family. I can't see that part yet, but I know that I'm happy. Tired, emotionally stressed, and busy as hell. But happy. And proud.
It's not a bad picture, right?
I was going to write in here about some exciting film school related news, but this entry is hella long and I've got to get up horribly early in the morning. So I'll let it go for now, but look for that in the next day or so.
Oh yeah... I went to the bookstore today and ended up buying The Poisonwood Bible. I'm really stoked!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Awesome in Austin
Sorry for the crappy entry title, I usually pride myself on my quick wit. Nonetheless, things have shifted once again (more like righted themselves) so it seems necessary to update.
I talked to the boy crush. As promised in my previous entry, I followed through on my decision to tell said crush the truth about how I felt in hopes that - at most - he'd feel the same and - at least - I'd be able to preserve our friendship. Thank goodness for the least of these. I forced myself to talk to the boy in person - confrontation being something that I have somehow become absolutely terrified of in recent years - and I'm damn proud of myself for it. It was probably one of the most awkward conversations of my entire life, but it could have gone a whole lot worse.
And while that initial conversation didn't bring quite the relief or peace of mind I was hoping for, the email exchange that followed it (when we were both more in our element - writing - and had time to process it) certainly helped a lot in that department. Knowing that my feelings weren't reciprocated (not really a surprise in this case), I was able to spend the email focusing on the fact that I cared the most about preserving our friendship, and that I wanted to be open and honest so that we could move forward. And Tim had it in him to write me back and totally open up to me about what's going on in his life and in his head. I have to say that -even though it wasn't the point - it was nice to know that my putting myself out there was met by him in some way.
The better part, though, was realizing that Tim and I really are friends. We care about each other (if not in the exact same way) and it's just so wonderful to know that I'm establishing real, deep, meaningful relationships here. With people I genuinely care about and want to know. So the result of all that talking and truth telling and emailing was that I felt much better about the whole situation and really glad that I told him the truth.
And now, a week later, the happiness of knowing that we're real friends has worn off a little and I'm left with the knowledge that even though I'm glad we're friends, it doesn't change the way I feel about him. But I'm still glad that I told him, and I still feel good about where things are headed. If I can't have things the way I want them (and I can't, I keep reminding myself) this really isn't a bad alternative.
The other upside to all of this confessing is that with the exit of lies and hidden truths, my January funk seems to have taken its leave as well. People are still pretty frustrated at work - for various reasons that I don't necessarily agree with - and it takes its toll on me to be around unhappy people. But Amy and I are strategizing ways to make it better around here, and I'm actually more amped up and productive at work than I have been all year.
I think if people can just be reminded of why they came here in the first place, and that we really do matter to these kids - everyone will be okay. And man am I here for the kids. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes all I want to do is hang out with my posse at Amy's house and never have to go to class. But then I have days like last Thursday where I'm sitting in the computer lab with my 8 student late class and I'm rockin' out to Taylor Swift (don't hate) with one of my girls, and 3 of my basketball boys are in one corner of the room teasing each other and just playing around. And they're all just being such *kids* and they're so adorable and I realize I just love them. I do. Those are the days when I feel like I could do this forever. Those are the days when I feel like I'm never going to be able to choose between kids and film. What is it about being 16 that makes everything feel so much more real? I don't miss the drama or the angst, but I do miss that.
In other news... Tim, Amy, John, Lauren (Amy's roommate), and hopefully Rocky, and I are thinking of living together next year and we found this amazing house that has 6 bedrooms, a swimming pool, pond, greenhouse, and a huge front, back, and side yard with huge oak trees. The guy renting it out is really cool and a big fan of cooperative living so he's giving us a pretty good deal. We put in apps for it and we're all really hoping it works out. Man, the thought that I can actually live with these amazing people feels too good to be true. Are people's lives allowed to be that cool? And Amy and I are going to rescue a cat from death row next year and I am so stoked.
Also, Anna is moving to Austin. I am scared to say or type that with any degree of definitiveness. But it might happen. It will *probably* happen. And I am so so psyched about it. Austin is like this oasis of perfection where all your dreams come true. And I'm just anxious to share that miracle with someone else I love.
My parents are coming to visit. Yaaaaaaaaay! I am way more excited about this than I should be. I guess I just want them to see the life I've made for myself here because I'm pretty proud of it. It feels more and more like home every day. I think I'm realizing that the hard part of leaving home isn't settling into some place new - if you find the right place - it's holding on tightly enough to both. Old and new. Which makes me wary about deciding how long I'm going to come home for this summer. And where I want to be when I turn 23. These are the things I think about when I'm bored at work.
At the end of March I'm going to LA for a long weekend to look at film schools, meet the cast of Supernatural (not kidding), and hang out with my favorite person that I've only seen 5 times in my life - Robin's cousin Lauren. This will be the most fantastic trip of all time and I'm itching for it.
Um... I don't know what else. Oh! I do know what else. So the thing about these crushes I develop and then torture myself over, is that they take this huge toll on my self-esteem and make me question how much I matter to other people and how other people see me. And I know enough to know that people with self-esteem issues are annoying to other people, so I try to avoid it whenever possible. But the last few weeks have been a struggle, and having handled the whole crush issue I am back to feeling like the badass that I naturally am.
I've missed it. You know, not everyone in the world is going to like you or want to be your best friend. But I have a lot of people in this world that care about me and I care about them. I'm living a great life and I'm incredibly happy. And you know - I haven't found anyone yet to build a relationship with. But I will. I know I will be loved. And when that time comes I will so be ready for it.
But in the meantime, I'm just gonna keep rockin' out to life. Next stop... published author.
I talked to the boy crush. As promised in my previous entry, I followed through on my decision to tell said crush the truth about how I felt in hopes that - at most - he'd feel the same and - at least - I'd be able to preserve our friendship. Thank goodness for the least of these. I forced myself to talk to the boy in person - confrontation being something that I have somehow become absolutely terrified of in recent years - and I'm damn proud of myself for it. It was probably one of the most awkward conversations of my entire life, but it could have gone a whole lot worse.
And while that initial conversation didn't bring quite the relief or peace of mind I was hoping for, the email exchange that followed it (when we were both more in our element - writing - and had time to process it) certainly helped a lot in that department. Knowing that my feelings weren't reciprocated (not really a surprise in this case), I was able to spend the email focusing on the fact that I cared the most about preserving our friendship, and that I wanted to be open and honest so that we could move forward. And Tim had it in him to write me back and totally open up to me about what's going on in his life and in his head. I have to say that -even though it wasn't the point - it was nice to know that my putting myself out there was met by him in some way.
The better part, though, was realizing that Tim and I really are friends. We care about each other (if not in the exact same way) and it's just so wonderful to know that I'm establishing real, deep, meaningful relationships here. With people I genuinely care about and want to know. So the result of all that talking and truth telling and emailing was that I felt much better about the whole situation and really glad that I told him the truth.
And now, a week later, the happiness of knowing that we're real friends has worn off a little and I'm left with the knowledge that even though I'm glad we're friends, it doesn't change the way I feel about him. But I'm still glad that I told him, and I still feel good about where things are headed. If I can't have things the way I want them (and I can't, I keep reminding myself) this really isn't a bad alternative.
The other upside to all of this confessing is that with the exit of lies and hidden truths, my January funk seems to have taken its leave as well. People are still pretty frustrated at work - for various reasons that I don't necessarily agree with - and it takes its toll on me to be around unhappy people. But Amy and I are strategizing ways to make it better around here, and I'm actually more amped up and productive at work than I have been all year.
I think if people can just be reminded of why they came here in the first place, and that we really do matter to these kids - everyone will be okay. And man am I here for the kids. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes all I want to do is hang out with my posse at Amy's house and never have to go to class. But then I have days like last Thursday where I'm sitting in the computer lab with my 8 student late class and I'm rockin' out to Taylor Swift (don't hate) with one of my girls, and 3 of my basketball boys are in one corner of the room teasing each other and just playing around. And they're all just being such *kids* and they're so adorable and I realize I just love them. I do. Those are the days when I feel like I could do this forever. Those are the days when I feel like I'm never going to be able to choose between kids and film. What is it about being 16 that makes everything feel so much more real? I don't miss the drama or the angst, but I do miss that.
In other news... Tim, Amy, John, Lauren (Amy's roommate), and hopefully Rocky, and I are thinking of living together next year and we found this amazing house that has 6 bedrooms, a swimming pool, pond, greenhouse, and a huge front, back, and side yard with huge oak trees. The guy renting it out is really cool and a big fan of cooperative living so he's giving us a pretty good deal. We put in apps for it and we're all really hoping it works out. Man, the thought that I can actually live with these amazing people feels too good to be true. Are people's lives allowed to be that cool? And Amy and I are going to rescue a cat from death row next year and I am so stoked.
Also, Anna is moving to Austin. I am scared to say or type that with any degree of definitiveness. But it might happen. It will *probably* happen. And I am so so psyched about it. Austin is like this oasis of perfection where all your dreams come true. And I'm just anxious to share that miracle with someone else I love.
My parents are coming to visit. Yaaaaaaaaay! I am way more excited about this than I should be. I guess I just want them to see the life I've made for myself here because I'm pretty proud of it. It feels more and more like home every day. I think I'm realizing that the hard part of leaving home isn't settling into some place new - if you find the right place - it's holding on tightly enough to both. Old and new. Which makes me wary about deciding how long I'm going to come home for this summer. And where I want to be when I turn 23. These are the things I think about when I'm bored at work.
At the end of March I'm going to LA for a long weekend to look at film schools, meet the cast of Supernatural (not kidding), and hang out with my favorite person that I've only seen 5 times in my life - Robin's cousin Lauren. This will be the most fantastic trip of all time and I'm itching for it.
Um... I don't know what else. Oh! I do know what else. So the thing about these crushes I develop and then torture myself over, is that they take this huge toll on my self-esteem and make me question how much I matter to other people and how other people see me. And I know enough to know that people with self-esteem issues are annoying to other people, so I try to avoid it whenever possible. But the last few weeks have been a struggle, and having handled the whole crush issue I am back to feeling like the badass that I naturally am.
I've missed it. You know, not everyone in the world is going to like you or want to be your best friend. But I have a lot of people in this world that care about me and I care about them. I'm living a great life and I'm incredibly happy. And you know - I haven't found anyone yet to build a relationship with. But I will. I know I will be loved. And when that time comes I will so be ready for it.
But in the meantime, I'm just gonna keep rockin' out to life. Next stop... published author.
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