At the request of an avid reader

It's occurred to me that I might never finish writing down the details of my trip to LA - as much as I would like to. But luckily, I had the foresight to right down my emotional impressions before I started on the play by play. So in an effort to move this blog along, I'm going to go ahead and write down those impressions from my trip. Yay!

Here goes!

written March 30, 2009 (at LAX and on the plane):

Obviously when I shelled out significant cash to attend this shindig - I suspected that I would have an awesome time: meeting SN cast members and fellow fans and generally embracing my inner fangirl. And I absolutely got all of that and it was wonderful. But I also got something else, that I didn't so much expect, which helped make this one of the best experiences of my life.

What I got was some serious re-inspiration and some much needed clarity about my path in life. I couldn't have asked for more - or better timing.

Things have been a little confused lately - what with people deciding to re-up (or not) at CF, other people toying with the idea to leave Austin, and my own doubts and over-dependency on others. And then last wednesday before going to LA, I rode along on a shift with my friend Erica's husband, who's an EMT. Being a paramedic is something that has kind of always interested me, but that I pretty much ruled out as a career choice due to my intense aversion to science.

But when I did a shift with Eric and his partner (yes, Erica's husband is named Eric), I had an incredible experience - despite sort of low activity - and felt like I could totally wake up everyday and do that job. It made me realize that life can proceed in a multitude of vastly different directions and that the paths we take aren't determined entirely by this feeling of "rightness" - if you will - but also often by decisions we make with incredibly limited information. Being the decision-phobe that I am, this realization had my mind reeling. How many different paths could my life take that would feel so right? 10? 100? 1000?

And here I was at 22, with my limited perspective, making the choice to take my life in this singular and somewhat irreversible direction... film. Was I sure that I would be most happy with that choice? That nothing else would fulfill me more? I was overwhelmed.

But what I've realized since - and in part because of this convention - is that whether or not I would happy doing something else is irrelevant. My life is not there, its here. The only question that matters is am I happy doing this film thing? Do I believe that I could be be fulfilled? And the answer is a resounding "yes!" And if that's not enough to quell my concerns, the knowledge that any other path I pursue might shut the door on this one, that *is* enough. More than enough. I keep coming back here because I simply can't imagine not doing it.

So maybe one day I'll write a book or make a movie about paramedics and maybe I'll get to do some more ride alongs - but I won't be one... because I'm a filmmaker.

So anyways, onto this weekend. In no particular order:

*SEEING LA AGAIN

I'd be lying if I said the location of this con wasn't one of my major deciding factors in coming. I love Los Angeles so much - all the craziness, all the life - and ever since I came out here with Lila 2 years ago I've been looking for an excuse to come back. It was great to see some of the places Lila and I hung out last time we were out here and to learn the bus system again. There's some accomplishment that comes from mastering (or barely managing, even) public transportation in a city this size. Being in this city again also served to remind me of how much I want to live here one day.

It may not feel like *my city* the way Austin does, but it certainly feels like there's a place for me here, and a place for her in my life - at least for awhile somewhere down the line.

*THE PEOPLE (LOS ANGELANS, THAT IS)

This weekend I had the benefit, both at the con and outside of it, to hang out with a number of people who are either from or currently residing in LA. What I have learned from these experiences is that people here are nice - genuinely so. They may be crazy - sure - but they're the nicest insane people I've ever encountered. Moreover, none of them think you're crazy. You might think that the whole "aspiring entertainment phenom" is such a tired cliche out here that it would induce eyerolling in even the most tolerant of people. But here's the thing: tired though it may be, that cliche is also firmly rooted in truth. Literally everyone I met here wants to carve out a sizable space for themselves, somewhere in the entertainment industry. Sure, they're a sort of competition, but they're also good company.

*OTHER SALTGUNNERS (AKA SUPERNATURAL FANS):

Yes, there are other people who watch Supernatural besides me - and a fair number of them identify themselves as Saltgunners - like me. This weekend I had the immense pleasure of talking to a whole slew of SN fans from all over the world - including Canada, England, Germany, and New Zealand.

Especially cool was having the opportunity to meet in person several people wit whom I was already acquainted through message boards and other SN sites. I finally got to meet my friend Moki (Michelle) who is a writer living in LA who I've been communicating with for several years thru the SN message board on the IMDb website. I also got to meet her friend, Ses (Karen), who I also know from the IMDb board.

On top of that, on my first day at the con while standing in line to register, I met a British woman named Tara and her friend, Andy. We got to chatting and continued to catch up throughout the weekend - but it wasn't til Saturday night that our conversation lead me to realize that Tara was - in fact - one of the masterminds behind the hysterical fan creation - Plastic Winchesters Theatre - which has developed its own impressive degree of celebrity within the fandom. After discussing PWT, Tara and I marvelled at the randomness of the fandom phenomenon as a pop culture movement.

I also made new friends... all Canadian. Kaitlyn and Katy are best friends who came together to the con from Vancouver, B.C. - where the show is filmed. They sat nest to me all weekend so we had ample time to talk. And then there was Sabrina - a native Torontan who i spent most of the weekend hanging out with.

It was really just so awesome to meet people who not only understand my love for SN, but also share in it. The result of my time with them is a restored confidence in myself and the things that make me who I am. I've spent too much of my life - especially lately, feeling ashamed or embarrassed about the things that I am passionate about or interested in. And that's just ridiculous, because nothing makes those qualities in me any better or worse than other passions and interests in anyone else. So I'm making no more apologies for things that make me me. I love Supernatural. I love sci-fi. I love "love story" by Taylor Swift and I love mid-90s Sheryl Crow.

* MEETING THE ACTORS

This weekend I met 10 actors from SN, including Jensen and Jared. And while I sincerely enjoyed hearing what they had to say about the show and asking my questions - it was also really good just to see them and hear them talk about their lives and know that they are in the industry and they are real.

None of them are really famous enough to be recognized by name or as a face on the street. None of them have won Oscars. They're just people doing their jobs and living out impossible dreams with a little bit of luck and a hell of a lot of stick-to-it-iveness. And I can't help but think that if they can do it - I can too. I will.

* MEETING THE Js

Jensen and Jared, Jared and Jensen - absolutely 2 of my favorite actors as well as 2 of my favorite people to look at. Meeting them would have been a dream come true for just those 2 reasons. But for me, there was a little more to it than that. So while I'll leave the finer details for the play by play - let me talk about this experience for just a sec. I just have to say that I have been waiting for years - years - for the opportunity to tell the boys what SN means to me - that from the very beginning it was the show that allowed me to realize what I truly wanted to do with my life - to pursue film - and that it motivates me weekly to continue in the pursuit of that dream.

So finally - finally - having the opportunity to tell Jensen and Jared all of that - and seeing them act with genuine interest and honor - has got to be one of the most sincerely satisfying experiences of my life. I wish I could re-live it - I wish I could remember every detail.

And it was absolutely worth the time and money - because if at this point I'm nothing more than a blurry memory somewhere in a dusty corner of their subconcious - I'm there. Somewhere in their minds they know that what they do means something significant to me - that their work does more than simply entertain. And I have the inspiring pleasure of knowing that that means something to them.


--- So yeah. That's my trip. More recent updates coming soon!