Hey gang,
I figured it was about time for another update - particularly since I'll have plenty more to write about after this weekend. Don't want to give myself too much ground to cover at once.
To clarify, I am going to San Antonio this weekend to visit Lila and I am super stoked for several reasons. First and foremost - seeing Lila will be most excellent. She'll be the first familiar face I've seen since moving here and of course it helps that she's one of my favorite people in the whole world! Add to that that I'll be able to watch some rockin' Georgia football with a fellow UGA fan (more on this excitement later). Plus, now that I've sort of done the whole touristy thing here in Austin, it'll be nice to poke around a new city and take cheesy pictures (try video!). And I get to earn Americorps hours! And another nice side benefit will be coming "home" to Austin for the first time - I think that'll be the real test of how I'm settling into this place. Overall, it should be an awesome weekend and I expect to get very little sleep!
Meanwhile, I would like to take a moment to just point out OREGON STATE'S RIDICULOUS WIN OVER USC LAST NIGHT! Seriously, did you people see that game?! Holy. cow. All I know is USC might as well just hide in the lockeroom for the rest of the season because their shot at the Natty Champ is as good as over. Man, our chance is so real this year I can almost taste it! And let me just say that if by some horrific chance we don't make it all the way - it sure as heck better not be because we lost to the most podunk backwards university in the South. There is only one school I hate and that is Alabama my friends. So we better pull it out this weekend - and if it takes our black jerseys to do it - so be it. That's all I've got to say about that.
In other news (ironically stated), I'm currently trying to avoid watching the news because every time I do I start to freak out. I get that it's all sensationalism, but there's no pretending that our economy isn't having a hard time right now. And I have to either find a job or go to grad school in the midst of that mess. So what I want to know is - is it worse to take out loans and go to grad school now, or try to find a stable job in the midst of a tenuous job market? I guess it doesn't really matter, because I think the grad school thing will happen regardless. It's just a question of whether it should happen next year, the year after, or some ambiguous time after that.
Speaking of grad schools, I've been reading more and more about film school and I thinking that's the way I'm headed pretty much for sure. I mean things can always change - and with me they certainly do change often - but for now, I feel confident about it. I've realized recently that there are always going to be a million things I wish I was doing (just this morning I wished for the first time ever that I was in D.C. doing the whole political thing), but the point is - what is the thing that I would regret not doing the most. I think I know.
Unfortunately, knowing that I want to go to film school hardly narrows my path at all. Because, there are all these schools (although I'm narrowing that list down pretty effectively) and all these different types of film, and all these different jobs within film - and you have to go to different schools and do different things for each of them. There's a part of me that knows I should go industry - cause that's the way I'm wired - but then there's the part of me that just wants to be able to write and direct my own way. And there's this whole other side of me that just wants to take my camera and travel the world in search of the real stories: aka. documentary. And then there's deciding between screenwriting, directing, producing, or some other thing that I've yet to discover. How am I supposed to choose when I love it all?
Alright - that's enough crisising for right now - back to work. By the way, I get my juniors next week! Hell yeah!
Friday, September 26, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Eternal Sunshine (not so great, actually)
That's really my only complaint right now - but I really had to voice it. It never rains here. Not ever. Two weeks ago a massive hurricane completely annihilated the Texas coast and here in Austin we did not see one single drop of rain. My first week here I found myself in a t-shirt shop downtown and laughed about a t-shirt which read "yay, serotonin" and had the chemical compound drawn on it. I liked the idea at the time - but now I feel like I have serotonin sprouting out of my ears! Trust me when I say I know it could be worse - better sun than rain I suppose - but girl's gotta have some gray every once in a while! It's just making me a little nervous at the prospect of 3 years in sunny SoCal. Whatevs.
Other than that, I can't really complain. This was the single most unproductive weekend I have had since I got here. I did not clean my room, do laundry, or write a single sentence. I did not even watch a single full episode of any television show. On the other hand, I did watch The Notebook with my roommates, donate my plasma for dollars, go see Tropic Thunder (for free!!), attend a s'mores party, and stumble into a pecan festival downtown. I failed at making it to church on Sunday morning for the 5th week in a row, but I did go see Central Pres. downtown yesterday and fell a little bit in love - so maybe I will end up there someday.
Last night I tried to watch the emmys with my roommates, but the show was so awkward and horrible that we eventually muted it and played boys v. girls Cranium - in which we postively decimated the boys. It was pretty much awesome.
This week is application review for the junior classes (read: my class) and it's crazy! My high school got 85 applications and we're expecting a few late ones as well. So far we've accepted 57 applicants and we have pretty much all the others waiting for a committee review. I'd say I'm going to have my hands full! But can I just please tell you how excited I am? I'm reading these kids applications and I'm already falling in love with them. I can't wait to actually get started and I hope I turn out to be as badass coach like I think I will. Sa-weet!
I also sent off for this book called Film School Confidential which should be arriving shortly and which I will then pleasantly devour. Meanwhile, I managed to get my hands on a video camera for ridiculously cheap thanks to this random girl I found on facebook who happened to be an americorps volunteer last year AND had a video camera she was trying to get rid of. Which leads me to my BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT:
In light of my having a new camera and potentially applying to film schools and also in light of the fact that 99% of you have not ever been to Austin/seen my life here - I have decided to make a video of my life here in Texas - complete with a tour of my apartment, office and downtown and face to face interviews with my posse. It'll be almost like being here! So get excited! Yay!
Okay, that's pretty much it. I'm leaving shortly for Whataburger to get their $1 justaburger. Sweet.
Love ya!
Other than that, I can't really complain. This was the single most unproductive weekend I have had since I got here. I did not clean my room, do laundry, or write a single sentence. I did not even watch a single full episode of any television show. On the other hand, I did watch The Notebook with my roommates, donate my plasma for dollars, go see Tropic Thunder (for free!!), attend a s'mores party, and stumble into a pecan festival downtown. I failed at making it to church on Sunday morning for the 5th week in a row, but I did go see Central Pres. downtown yesterday and fell a little bit in love - so maybe I will end up there someday.
Last night I tried to watch the emmys with my roommates, but the show was so awkward and horrible that we eventually muted it and played boys v. girls Cranium - in which we postively decimated the boys. It was pretty much awesome.
This week is application review for the junior classes (read: my class) and it's crazy! My high school got 85 applications and we're expecting a few late ones as well. So far we've accepted 57 applicants and we have pretty much all the others waiting for a committee review. I'd say I'm going to have my hands full! But can I just please tell you how excited I am? I'm reading these kids applications and I'm already falling in love with them. I can't wait to actually get started and I hope I turn out to be as badass coach like I think I will. Sa-weet!
I also sent off for this book called Film School Confidential which should be arriving shortly and which I will then pleasantly devour. Meanwhile, I managed to get my hands on a video camera for ridiculously cheap thanks to this random girl I found on facebook who happened to be an americorps volunteer last year AND had a video camera she was trying to get rid of. Which leads me to my BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT:
In light of my having a new camera and potentially applying to film schools and also in light of the fact that 99% of you have not ever been to Austin/seen my life here - I have decided to make a video of my life here in Texas - complete with a tour of my apartment, office and downtown and face to face interviews with my posse. It'll be almost like being here! So get excited! Yay!
Okay, that's pretty much it. I'm leaving shortly for Whataburger to get their $1 justaburger. Sweet.
Love ya!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Seeing is Believing
Happy Supernatural Day, guys! Okay, I realize that means pretty much nothing to y'all, but tonight is the 4th season premiere of Supernatural and I am so stoked. My roommates caught up with the past season DVDs and now we're all rarin' to go.
Meanwhile, have you ever been in a place or situation where you felt that things oddly and completely unexplainably catered to you? That's probably not quite the right way to put it, but I'm having a hard time articulating this morning. All I'm saying is, aside from moving here and meeting every film-related friend I could ever hope for, several other strange and exciting coincidences (or not?) have occurred. For one thing, it's dawning on me that there might be more short-haired girls in this city than anything other outside of New York. Seriously, everywhere I go I see cool feminine looking girls with wicked short hair cuts. And I guess that does make me feel a little like a poser, but I know deep down that what it's actually doing for me is preventing me from freaking out about my hair as I would anywhere else. Instead, I'm having the realization that this is how my hair has wanted to look for a long time. AND I'm pretty much back to my natural color - how awesome is that!?
Okay, that meandered a little off the path, but basically things about this city just make it seem like such the perfect place for me to be right now (though I don't always see it). There are so many Presby churches that I like, that I literally can't decide which one to go to. And 3 days a week I get to drive past downtown on my way to and from my high school, and everytime I realize how much I love the city. The tall buildings, the Frost Tower, the river. Sometimes I think that if I could morph myself into a city, it would most certainly (right now, at least) be this one. My only complaint? Not enough cowboys. Gotta work on that one.
Another thing that will sound vain or self-obsessed or something - but I have to mention because of my mom - is that I think this town has been very good for my sense of style. Maybe not just the town so much as my crowd and my work environment, but I don't think I've worn my standard jeans two days in a row once since I've been here. And I usually only wear them 2 or 3 days a week - and 2 of those days I have to wear pants for my job. And on top of that, more and more I'm finding cooler ways to spice things up even on the days I am wearing pants - skinny jeans, khakis, cool shoes and necklaces and this really B.A. hoodie. And other days I'm actually having fun finding cool skirtyish outfits to wear. I don't know, I'm probably overdramatizing, but it feels like maybe I'm finally coming into myself a little bit - at least my style.
Here's another thing that this awesome place has brought me in the last few weeks/24 hours. First of all, one of the girls I've become particular friends with at work is Jessica (not my roommate). She's originally from the Bay area I think, but she went to school in San Diego and was super-involved with this grassroots nonprofit called Invisible Children pretty much from when it started. Now I don't know if you know what IC is, (if you want to know, I'll tell you - heck I'll probably tell you anyways) but it's huge on college campuses and was huge at UGA. But somehow, despite my love for both nonprofit work and Africa, I managed to avoid ever getting involved with it during school. But then I came to Texas and I met Jessica, and I found out IC was founded by 3 guys in SoCal around our age. Two of them were film students at USC and they took a camera and went to Sudan in search of a story, and they uncovered this horrible atrocity going on with children in Northern Uganda and they made this very freshman, but incredibly moving documentary about it. They came back, they showed it, and it started something that became huge.
SO yesterday Jessica brought me a copy of the DVD, and last night I finally got to watch it. Holy. Cow. I feel so trite or cliche saying it changed my life, but seriously. Not only was it significant for me because of the reality it uncovered, but also because of who did the uncovering, and how. It was just these kids - my generation - with a passion for film and people. These kids are me. At this one point at the beginning of the film one of the 3 guys - Laren - is trying to articulate why they're making a movie. And he says [something like] media is the way we understand the world. It helps define our perspective and it gives us a means to communicate. I'm not doing a good job of quoting him, but basically he voiced what I've been trying to articulate for years about why I love film. And I realized: This is what I want to do. This is the answer. Not going to Africa - necessarily. Not even making documentaries and starting NPOs necessarily. But I want help bring understanding to this world and I want to do it through the lens. It's so obvious that I feel like it's been right there all the time just waiting for me to notice. The answer to all things (for me at least). Storytelling, and helping people, and film.
Because here's the thing. Once you've seen something like Invisible Children - you can't unsee it. It's there and it's touched you and now this issue that you once felt so removed from has a face. Jacob's face, and Tony's face and Jolly's face. And it becomes a part of you and you realize that it's not their world and our world. One world. One. And there are million different ways to bring this about - to fight for this message - but it seems like mine just might be film. (too bad I got rid of my camera - that was a mistake)
So it's nice to have a little clarity in an unclear time. And I encourage all of you to take 1 hour of your life and watch Invisible Children. And if you want a copy of the movie let me know and I'll see what I can do. And if you don't want a copy or you don't want to know about it, but you're either in my family and or one of my best friends - rest assured. You will see this movie. I will show it to you. Lol.
Okay - well I've got work in half an hour, and I'm rockin' out to Teenage Wasteland and I've sort of lost my train of thought. So I'm going to go.
Peace (not just a word).
Meanwhile, have you ever been in a place or situation where you felt that things oddly and completely unexplainably catered to you? That's probably not quite the right way to put it, but I'm having a hard time articulating this morning. All I'm saying is, aside from moving here and meeting every film-related friend I could ever hope for, several other strange and exciting coincidences (or not?) have occurred. For one thing, it's dawning on me that there might be more short-haired girls in this city than anything other outside of New York. Seriously, everywhere I go I see cool feminine looking girls with wicked short hair cuts. And I guess that does make me feel a little like a poser, but I know deep down that what it's actually doing for me is preventing me from freaking out about my hair as I would anywhere else. Instead, I'm having the realization that this is how my hair has wanted to look for a long time. AND I'm pretty much back to my natural color - how awesome is that!?
Okay, that meandered a little off the path, but basically things about this city just make it seem like such the perfect place for me to be right now (though I don't always see it). There are so many Presby churches that I like, that I literally can't decide which one to go to. And 3 days a week I get to drive past downtown on my way to and from my high school, and everytime I realize how much I love the city. The tall buildings, the Frost Tower, the river. Sometimes I think that if I could morph myself into a city, it would most certainly (right now, at least) be this one. My only complaint? Not enough cowboys. Gotta work on that one.
Another thing that will sound vain or self-obsessed or something - but I have to mention because of my mom - is that I think this town has been very good for my sense of style. Maybe not just the town so much as my crowd and my work environment, but I don't think I've worn my standard jeans two days in a row once since I've been here. And I usually only wear them 2 or 3 days a week - and 2 of those days I have to wear pants for my job. And on top of that, more and more I'm finding cooler ways to spice things up even on the days I am wearing pants - skinny jeans, khakis, cool shoes and necklaces and this really B.A. hoodie. And other days I'm actually having fun finding cool skirtyish outfits to wear. I don't know, I'm probably overdramatizing, but it feels like maybe I'm finally coming into myself a little bit - at least my style.
Here's another thing that this awesome place has brought me in the last few weeks/24 hours. First of all, one of the girls I've become particular friends with at work is Jessica (not my roommate). She's originally from the Bay area I think, but she went to school in San Diego and was super-involved with this grassroots nonprofit called Invisible Children pretty much from when it started. Now I don't know if you know what IC is, (if you want to know, I'll tell you - heck I'll probably tell you anyways) but it's huge on college campuses and was huge at UGA. But somehow, despite my love for both nonprofit work and Africa, I managed to avoid ever getting involved with it during school. But then I came to Texas and I met Jessica, and I found out IC was founded by 3 guys in SoCal around our age. Two of them were film students at USC and they took a camera and went to Sudan in search of a story, and they uncovered this horrible atrocity going on with children in Northern Uganda and they made this very freshman, but incredibly moving documentary about it. They came back, they showed it, and it started something that became huge.
SO yesterday Jessica brought me a copy of the DVD, and last night I finally got to watch it. Holy. Cow. I feel so trite or cliche saying it changed my life, but seriously. Not only was it significant for me because of the reality it uncovered, but also because of who did the uncovering, and how. It was just these kids - my generation - with a passion for film and people. These kids are me. At this one point at the beginning of the film one of the 3 guys - Laren - is trying to articulate why they're making a movie. And he says [something like] media is the way we understand the world. It helps define our perspective and it gives us a means to communicate. I'm not doing a good job of quoting him, but basically he voiced what I've been trying to articulate for years about why I love film. And I realized: This is what I want to do. This is the answer. Not going to Africa - necessarily. Not even making documentaries and starting NPOs necessarily. But I want help bring understanding to this world and I want to do it through the lens. It's so obvious that I feel like it's been right there all the time just waiting for me to notice. The answer to all things (for me at least). Storytelling, and helping people, and film.
Because here's the thing. Once you've seen something like Invisible Children - you can't unsee it. It's there and it's touched you and now this issue that you once felt so removed from has a face. Jacob's face, and Tony's face and Jolly's face. And it becomes a part of you and you realize that it's not their world and our world. One world. One. And there are million different ways to bring this about - to fight for this message - but it seems like mine just might be film. (too bad I got rid of my camera - that was a mistake)
So it's nice to have a little clarity in an unclear time. And I encourage all of you to take 1 hour of your life and watch Invisible Children. And if you want a copy of the movie let me know and I'll see what I can do. And if you don't want a copy or you don't want to know about it, but you're either in my family and or one of my best friends - rest assured. You will see this movie. I will show it to you. Lol.
Okay - well I've got work in half an hour, and I'm rockin' out to Teenage Wasteland and I've sort of lost my train of thought. So I'm going to go.
Peace (not just a word).
Monday, September 15, 2008
Sweeter than a Bowl of Wheaties
I'm watching Season 3 of Snatch (our affectionate nickname for Supernatural) with my roommies and we're only 4 days away from a brand new season!
Anyways, it's been a heck of a week - a real rollercoaster ride. It was recruitment week at work - which is when we go to all the high schools and try to get juniors to apply to our program. This is one of the most important times of the year, and it means that we work about a million hours. Seriously - I literally worked 56 hours last week - it was wild! Four 12 hour days and one 8 hour day.
On Monday we showed up to work only to discover that we had developed a reputation for being the rebels - I guess that's what happens when the cops show up to your potluck. And then at our staff meeting we found out that one of our most beloved supervisors - Zach - is resigning! It was a HUGE bummer because we all love him and he sort of epitomizes what CF is about. And he knows more than pretty much else and on top of that he has these wicked mutton chops and crazy 50's glasses. So it was quite a blow to find out we only get 2 weeks left with him and it got creepy quiet in the meeting after he made his announcement. I didn't want to leave the meeting early and miss all the response afterwards, but I had to duck out to go to my food stamps meeting.
And that's the good news, I was approved for food stamps! Yay! I'll be getting $176 a month and it goes straight onto this debit card type deal - it'll be a huge help. I thought it was going to take forever and be this huge ordeal but it was so easy. As soon as she found out I was AmeriCorps she just pushed it through.
Then I got home and found out that my senior pastor back home is leaving the church way earlier than I thought - which was another huge blow and kind of made me lose my mind for a bit. Quite a way to start the week, huh?
Tuesday was our recruitment at our high school, and my group basically elected me main emcee. It was sort of terrifying because I was up in front of these 200 16 year olds and I was just winging it, trying to make an impression. This lead me to realize two things. First: I am old. And second: I am no longer cool. Still, the program went pretty well and got me super amped up for having my own class. I even had one kid come up and ask me if we'd be able to help him go to school for writing. I was like - heck yes - I can do that! It was sweet.
Tuesday night at class there were more staff there than kids, so I ended up getitng into this random philosophical debate with one of my fellow coaches for forever.
Wednesday I had my first one on one with my supervisor and it went - well - weirdly. But you know, it's all good. Wednesday night we had parent night at our high school which also went really well. We had a great turnout - which was so encouraging to see.
Thursday was supposed to be just a normal class day, but our school moved up their homecoming game because it was supposed to be Friday night and they were worried because of the hurricane. So we cancelled our late class and went to the game. We were totally creamed, but it was a lot of fun to be there and all our kids were waving to us. Another cool thing was that all the major people at the school are our students: the homecoming queen, the head of the dance team, one of the cheerleading captains, one of the main football players, and the guy running the flag after every score (of which there was one) - it just made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. These are such great kids and it feels so good to know we're making a difference for them.
Friday was the only normal day of the week and we were all so wiped from the rest of the week that we just sort of goofed all the whole day - except when we had this 3 and a half hour meeting with our executive director. In keeping with my friday plan of doing nothing I laid low on friday night - Jess and I made a walmart run (which was - btw - packed with evacuees) and I grabbed Remember the Titans and we went back and watched it with Kevin. Man I love that movie - it feels so much like home. At some point it hit me that it was my grandfather's birthday and that made me sad.
Saturday I woke up to find an email from my past self in my inbox - reminding me to call my grandfather and wish him a happy birthday :( and to call my bro and ask about the baby. I did some more nothin', and watched UGA pull it out in the end against USC (then of course I called Josh to gloat). Then I went with Kevin to American Eagle to score some free movie tickets. Then I called everyone I knew and told them to do the same thing and we all went to see Burn After Reading (the new Coen Brothers movie with Brad Pitt and George Clooney). It was friggin' hilarious and it felt so good to just do something familiar like that.
Today I slept late and have since spent most of the day just hanging out and watchin' season 3 of Snatch with the roomies.
I think what this past week boils down to is that I'm really starting to settle in here. This is my life. And I kind of like it. :D
ps. sorry I'm slacking on the blog posts, will try to do better! Lots of love!
Anyways, it's been a heck of a week - a real rollercoaster ride. It was recruitment week at work - which is when we go to all the high schools and try to get juniors to apply to our program. This is one of the most important times of the year, and it means that we work about a million hours. Seriously - I literally worked 56 hours last week - it was wild! Four 12 hour days and one 8 hour day.
On Monday we showed up to work only to discover that we had developed a reputation for being the rebels - I guess that's what happens when the cops show up to your potluck. And then at our staff meeting we found out that one of our most beloved supervisors - Zach - is resigning! It was a HUGE bummer because we all love him and he sort of epitomizes what CF is about. And he knows more than pretty much else and on top of that he has these wicked mutton chops and crazy 50's glasses. So it was quite a blow to find out we only get 2 weeks left with him and it got creepy quiet in the meeting after he made his announcement. I didn't want to leave the meeting early and miss all the response afterwards, but I had to duck out to go to my food stamps meeting.
And that's the good news, I was approved for food stamps! Yay! I'll be getting $176 a month and it goes straight onto this debit card type deal - it'll be a huge help. I thought it was going to take forever and be this huge ordeal but it was so easy. As soon as she found out I was AmeriCorps she just pushed it through.
Then I got home and found out that my senior pastor back home is leaving the church way earlier than I thought - which was another huge blow and kind of made me lose my mind for a bit. Quite a way to start the week, huh?
Tuesday was our recruitment at our high school, and my group basically elected me main emcee. It was sort of terrifying because I was up in front of these 200 16 year olds and I was just winging it, trying to make an impression. This lead me to realize two things. First: I am old. And second: I am no longer cool. Still, the program went pretty well and got me super amped up for having my own class. I even had one kid come up and ask me if we'd be able to help him go to school for writing. I was like - heck yes - I can do that! It was sweet.
Tuesday night at class there were more staff there than kids, so I ended up getitng into this random philosophical debate with one of my fellow coaches for forever.
Wednesday I had my first one on one with my supervisor and it went - well - weirdly. But you know, it's all good. Wednesday night we had parent night at our high school which also went really well. We had a great turnout - which was so encouraging to see.
Thursday was supposed to be just a normal class day, but our school moved up their homecoming game because it was supposed to be Friday night and they were worried because of the hurricane. So we cancelled our late class and went to the game. We were totally creamed, but it was a lot of fun to be there and all our kids were waving to us. Another cool thing was that all the major people at the school are our students: the homecoming queen, the head of the dance team, one of the cheerleading captains, one of the main football players, and the guy running the flag after every score (of which there was one) - it just made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. These are such great kids and it feels so good to know we're making a difference for them.
Friday was the only normal day of the week and we were all so wiped from the rest of the week that we just sort of goofed all the whole day - except when we had this 3 and a half hour meeting with our executive director. In keeping with my friday plan of doing nothing I laid low on friday night - Jess and I made a walmart run (which was - btw - packed with evacuees) and I grabbed Remember the Titans and we went back and watched it with Kevin. Man I love that movie - it feels so much like home. At some point it hit me that it was my grandfather's birthday and that made me sad.
Saturday I woke up to find an email from my past self in my inbox - reminding me to call my grandfather and wish him a happy birthday :( and to call my bro and ask about the baby. I did some more nothin', and watched UGA pull it out in the end against USC (then of course I called Josh to gloat). Then I went with Kevin to American Eagle to score some free movie tickets. Then I called everyone I knew and told them to do the same thing and we all went to see Burn After Reading (the new Coen Brothers movie with Brad Pitt and George Clooney). It was friggin' hilarious and it felt so good to just do something familiar like that.
Today I slept late and have since spent most of the day just hanging out and watchin' season 3 of Snatch with the roomies.
I think what this past week boils down to is that I'm really starting to settle in here. This is my life. And I kind of like it. :D
ps. sorry I'm slacking on the blog posts, will try to do better! Lots of love!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Life as I know it
I'm slowing down on my blogging, and I think that's probably a good thing - it just means I'm too busy living to write it all down. As a follow up to my post from last week - things have sort of settled back down, just like I knew they would. My brain was basically on overdrive all of last week, and each day it manifested it's overwhelmedness in a different way. So it sort of threw things into chaos for a few days and I refinding my center.
I cut all my hair off yesterday, as evidenced by the pictures in my previous entry. At first I really hated it and sort of freaked out in my car as soon as I left the salon. But since then I've done a lot of staring in the mirror and I've decided I pretty much feel like a badass (sorry for the language, 'rents, but there's really no other way to describe it). I don't know, it just sort of feels metaphorically significant in the way that I tend to make everything metaphorically significant. This time in my life is all about doing the things I'm normally afraid to do.
Btw - yesterday I became my mother. I realize that the context most people use that phrase in is negative, but it my case it's kind of the opposite because my mother is pretty much awesome. In particular she is an awesome event-thrower. Like every year she throws this Christmas party and it's kind of a big deal. Last night I hosted a potluck at my house and everyone on the planet showed up. Okay, maybe not quite - but it was unexpectedly huge and totally awesome.
Basically almost everyone from work came including the executive director and they all brought their posses. There was music and beer and good food and everything was fabulous and suddenly my roommates and I were pretty much the cool kids on the block. It was a good way to make myself feel at home here. Of course, then at 10:30 a cop showed up to tell us to be quiet because some stupid neighbor had called them instead of politely knocking on our door and asking us if we could quiet down. Whatevs. It was a great opportunity to hang out with some of the people at work that I haven't gotten to know yet. It's a pretty sweet gaggle of people.
Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure we are NEVER throwing a party at our place again. Guess we'll have to find a satellite location.
This week is going to be nuts at work: I have my food stamps appointment tomorrow at 3, and then an open house at my school tomorrow night. Recruitment at my school on Tuesday (I'm the main emcee and I am SOOO nervous!), then parent night at the school on Wednesday. Not to mention we're helping out with other schools recruitments too. Still, I'm glad we'll be busy - I like having that momentum.
On top of all of that, I've been giving more and more thought to the idea of going to film school in a couple of years. After my initial freaking out because being here and doing CF didn't make me stop thinking about filmmaking, I had a couple conversation which made me start thinking that maybe it's significant that I'm still thinking about it even when I'm right smack in the middle of option number 2. So let's just say that I'm giving it som serious consideration and I'm pretty stoked about it.
Still can't imagine being that far from home for that long though. I wonder if it ever stops being hard.
I cut all my hair off yesterday, as evidenced by the pictures in my previous entry. At first I really hated it and sort of freaked out in my car as soon as I left the salon. But since then I've done a lot of staring in the mirror and I've decided I pretty much feel like a badass (sorry for the language, 'rents, but there's really no other way to describe it). I don't know, it just sort of feels metaphorically significant in the way that I tend to make everything metaphorically significant. This time in my life is all about doing the things I'm normally afraid to do.
Btw - yesterday I became my mother. I realize that the context most people use that phrase in is negative, but it my case it's kind of the opposite because my mother is pretty much awesome. In particular she is an awesome event-thrower. Like every year she throws this Christmas party and it's kind of a big deal. Last night I hosted a potluck at my house and everyone on the planet showed up. Okay, maybe not quite - but it was unexpectedly huge and totally awesome.
Basically almost everyone from work came including the executive director and they all brought their posses. There was music and beer and good food and everything was fabulous and suddenly my roommates and I were pretty much the cool kids on the block. It was a good way to make myself feel at home here. Of course, then at 10:30 a cop showed up to tell us to be quiet because some stupid neighbor had called them instead of politely knocking on our door and asking us if we could quiet down. Whatevs. It was a great opportunity to hang out with some of the people at work that I haven't gotten to know yet. It's a pretty sweet gaggle of people.
Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure we are NEVER throwing a party at our place again. Guess we'll have to find a satellite location.
This week is going to be nuts at work: I have my food stamps appointment tomorrow at 3, and then an open house at my school tomorrow night. Recruitment at my school on Tuesday (I'm the main emcee and I am SOOO nervous!), then parent night at the school on Wednesday. Not to mention we're helping out with other schools recruitments too. Still, I'm glad we'll be busy - I like having that momentum.
On top of all of that, I've been giving more and more thought to the idea of going to film school in a couple of years. After my initial freaking out because being here and doing CF didn't make me stop thinking about filmmaking, I had a couple conversation which made me start thinking that maybe it's significant that I'm still thinking about it even when I'm right smack in the middle of option number 2. So let's just say that I'm giving it som serious consideration and I'm pretty stoked about it.
Still can't imagine being that far from home for that long though. I wonder if it ever stops being hard.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Sing it from the hair
Okay, more to come later, but I'm about to have a zillion people over to my house for a potluck (this aspect of myself never ceases to surprise me) so I'll keep it short. Here are some mac-produced pics of my new haircut. It's a little short, but it's growing on me (hahaha).
Check it:
Check it:
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Falling In/Out/Down
I came home from my first night of teaching to an empty, very hot apartment - so I bolted for the Tbird to write a much needed blog update. Not so much because new things have happened etc. but because new things are being felt. (I thought a change of emotional scenery would be nice)
My first teaching class was both better and worse than I thought it would be. Better, because the kids are so fun and so peppy and just - teenager-ish - and I actually like that. Worse because there doesn't seem to actually be a whole lot of structure expected in our class (by either students or CF staff) and that sort of makes me feel like I'm trying to build a parachute in midair... or something.
It was a good experience overall, which unfortunately could've been far better if I hadn't been in such a funk today. Things have been wavering for a few days, and sort of settled into a little gray storm cloud when I woke up this morning. Not say I was in a particularly bad mood - things are just weird here. And I thought about avoiding mentioning it in here all but I decided to go ahead for two reasons. For one - it's cathartic. And two - I've pretty much only written about how amazing this place is and how happy I am, and I think it's important to give an accurate picture.
Today I was not particularly happy here. But it's not that I'm homesick, persay. I've been thinking a lot about home and missing it some, but I don't really want to be there. And I don't exactly want to be here, but I don't not want to be here. And I don't really want to be anywhere else (at least not more than I want to be here).
The problem with the present is that it just feels like something is missing. And of course, I realize that something *is* missing - that there about a million things missing from my life right now because I'm starting this new life here and it's only 2 weeks old. But I'd still like for things to feel just a little more normal. I know it's going to take some time and I have every intention of just riding it out.
The other problem though, is that I seem to be focusing far more attention on - not my present - but my future. I've been obsessing over where I see myself in a year, or two years, or five - whether it should be here or California, or Georgia or Europe or what. And whether I should be teaching or writing or filmmaking or acting or nonprofiting or saving the world or what.
And granted, I came here (read: left home) to figure all that stuff out. To sort of clear my head and get a fresh, unaffected perspective. But of course I never expected to get here and suddenly have all the answers I was seeking. But I find myself impatiently wishing for them anyways. I guess a part of me thought that I would get here and suddenly I would know that this was where I was supposed to make my home (or not) and that teaching or nonprofit work was what I was supposed to do (or not) and all my overwhelming and diametrically opposed dreams would just sort of disapate to reveal my path. And that sort of happened, for about a week. But then life became life again and of course things are never that clear cut - least of all for me.
So on the one hand, what I really want is to learn how to just be present and stop worrying and obsessing about the future. Because this *is* where I want to be right now - and my need to know whether I'll always want to be here is severely disruptive. I don't need to know everything about the future right now, I just need to chill out and not let this experience pass me by. It deserves to be enjoyed and the future will happen in its own time. But having said that, I cannot figure out how to make myself be present. How the heck do I do that?
And aside from all that, I am still worried. And I can try to find a way to not think about it right now and just accept that things will happen in their own time, but what if they don't. I know how bad I am at just making decisions, at accepting choices that I've made, at allowing myself to be limited. What if I never find a path that I'm truly content with and spend the rest of my life just flitting from one place and one life to the next without every truly knowing and loving anything or anyone? And what if I stop wondering, stop questioning, stop considering the possibilities and end up in some life that isn't right for me? It's not impossible, it happens all the time.
How do I shut off my brain and learn to just be content? And how do I find out who I am and where I'm supposed to be.
I'm the sort of person who needs a purpose. One purpose - not none or 20.
Anywho, I know things will settle back down. But that's the weather report for right now. Maybe internet tomorrow?
*paz*
My first teaching class was both better and worse than I thought it would be. Better, because the kids are so fun and so peppy and just - teenager-ish - and I actually like that. Worse because there doesn't seem to actually be a whole lot of structure expected in our class (by either students or CF staff) and that sort of makes me feel like I'm trying to build a parachute in midair... or something.
It was a good experience overall, which unfortunately could've been far better if I hadn't been in such a funk today. Things have been wavering for a few days, and sort of settled into a little gray storm cloud when I woke up this morning. Not say I was in a particularly bad mood - things are just weird here. And I thought about avoiding mentioning it in here all but I decided to go ahead for two reasons. For one - it's cathartic. And two - I've pretty much only written about how amazing this place is and how happy I am, and I think it's important to give an accurate picture.
Today I was not particularly happy here. But it's not that I'm homesick, persay. I've been thinking a lot about home and missing it some, but I don't really want to be there. And I don't exactly want to be here, but I don't not want to be here. And I don't really want to be anywhere else (at least not more than I want to be here).
The problem with the present is that it just feels like something is missing. And of course, I realize that something *is* missing - that there about a million things missing from my life right now because I'm starting this new life here and it's only 2 weeks old. But I'd still like for things to feel just a little more normal. I know it's going to take some time and I have every intention of just riding it out.
The other problem though, is that I seem to be focusing far more attention on - not my present - but my future. I've been obsessing over where I see myself in a year, or two years, or five - whether it should be here or California, or Georgia or Europe or what. And whether I should be teaching or writing or filmmaking or acting or nonprofiting or saving the world or what.
And granted, I came here (read: left home) to figure all that stuff out. To sort of clear my head and get a fresh, unaffected perspective. But of course I never expected to get here and suddenly have all the answers I was seeking. But I find myself impatiently wishing for them anyways. I guess a part of me thought that I would get here and suddenly I would know that this was where I was supposed to make my home (or not) and that teaching or nonprofit work was what I was supposed to do (or not) and all my overwhelming and diametrically opposed dreams would just sort of disapate to reveal my path. And that sort of happened, for about a week. But then life became life again and of course things are never that clear cut - least of all for me.
So on the one hand, what I really want is to learn how to just be present and stop worrying and obsessing about the future. Because this *is* where I want to be right now - and my need to know whether I'll always want to be here is severely disruptive. I don't need to know everything about the future right now, I just need to chill out and not let this experience pass me by. It deserves to be enjoyed and the future will happen in its own time. But having said that, I cannot figure out how to make myself be present. How the heck do I do that?
And aside from all that, I am still worried. And I can try to find a way to not think about it right now and just accept that things will happen in their own time, but what if they don't. I know how bad I am at just making decisions, at accepting choices that I've made, at allowing myself to be limited. What if I never find a path that I'm truly content with and spend the rest of my life just flitting from one place and one life to the next without every truly knowing and loving anything or anyone? And what if I stop wondering, stop questioning, stop considering the possibilities and end up in some life that isn't right for me? It's not impossible, it happens all the time.
How do I shut off my brain and learn to just be content? And how do I find out who I am and where I'm supposed to be.
I'm the sort of person who needs a purpose. One purpose - not none or 20.
Anywho, I know things will settle back down. But that's the weather report for right now. Maybe internet tomorrow?
*paz*
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