Happy Halloween to all! I'm currently writing to you in full Harry Potter garb - but not just any Harry Potter garb, mind you, angsty-emo Harry Potter garb! For more information on angsty-Harry please watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xD-Huwlg2kY
Yay! I do love Halloween - everybody is somebody else and everybody has candy! Kind of makes me wish I liked candy...
The thing that is eating my brain right now is that I'm so busy I can hardly breathe - much less write a decent blog entry. But I'm long overdue, so pardon the fact that this entry will probably be entirely ungrammatical stream of conciousness. I have been going strong with work for 3 solid weeks - working upwards of 50 hours including Saturdays. And tomorrow I have to wake up at 5:30 AM to go to College/Universidad 101 (our all day program for juniors and their parents). So my Halloween party hopping will be severely restricted this evening - but at least there's always tomorrow.
Needless to say, work has been beyond stressful these past few weeks, and there have been a couple of really rough moments. But at the end of each day I still feel like this is one of the best experiences I've ever had and there's nowhere else I'd rather be. My relationship with my class grows ever stronger, although I did have a disappointingly large drop in attendance this past week. :-(
Gosh, I can't believe I've only been here 2 and a half months. Life is so full and intense here I feel like time works completely differently - it feels like I've been in Austin for years. At times it feels like a gift - walking into this place and this life such a short time ago and already having a fulfilling job and a whole group of amazing friends and even a pseudo-family of sorts. But at other times it's overwhelming. Life here is SO intense and it's ALL CF. Thank God for my roommate Kevin - we may be different people but it's nice to have an outside influence. Even most of the people I've met outside of work I've still met *thru* people at work. And it's great - it is. I love these people, but between the endless hours of work, and work drama - and then never being able to escape it - I'm feeling a little burnt out. Next weekend I have nothing on my schedule and I intend to enjoy every second of it.
Still despite the stress and attendance issues, I'm still convinced that CF is an incredible program and a worthy cause - and my part in it will - I imagine - play a significant role in shaping the person I am - wherever my future my lead.
And once again, after only a few months here - "future" does seem to be the major topic of conversation these days. Everyone's either applying to grad schools or trying to decide whether they're doing a second year here and where they're going to live. And I find myself asking the same questions. When I first started at CF, I was so convinced that I wanted to stick with it and eventually get on staff. And then, when that desire died down a bit and I was assigned to juniors, it seemed a given that I would at least serve a second year as a coach and stay to see my kids graduate. But now, I'm not even sure about that.
It's not that I don't love CF - is that it's impossible to love with only part of myself. It takes everything - all my energy, all my time, and all my heart. And while I love it - it's not the only I love. And so long as I'm not planning on spending my life devoted to this cause - I'm not sure it's worth it to sacrifice everything else.
There are advantages. I'm planning on going to grad school in Fall 2010, and another year of AmeriCorps gives me another $5,000 scholarship, healthcare, and the optimum level of financial aid from any and every film school. Not to mention the value of sticking with my kids til the end - seeing them graduate and being there for them. And if all of my friends stick around - then it'll be hard to be the only one in Austin that isn't still at CF (more on that soon).
But I don't know if I can do another year of this. I'm averaging 51 hours a week, the management really doesn't have our back and treats us all like deliquent children. Add to that that I have no time to date, attend church, or make friends that aren't associated with CF. Not to mention - I don't have time to do any of the other things I care about - I hardly have time to read - let alone write or work on movies. So part of me feels like if I stick with CF - then I'm going to come out of it like having been stuck in a cave for 2 years. And if I'm going to spend 2-3 years of my life in grad school, I don't want to spend the one free year I have left feeling trapped. Another 10 month commitment is SO long.
But if I'm not doing CF, what do I do? Where do I go? I don't think I'm interested in moving some place new - I don't want to spend another year getting established somewhere. So that really leaves me with going back home (Atlanta or Charleston) or maybe going somewhere like NYC for a year. But NYC is a bit of reach - given my current financial state. And there's something to be said for spending a year back at home if I'm going to be forced to be so far away from my family for so long during school. But I worry that if I went home now - I'd never be able to leave again.
And what I'd really like to do next year is find a job where I don't have to work as many hours - and just make enough to pay my bills, and spend the rest of my time working on writing and film. If I can prove to myself before hand that I could be productive in those endeavors, it might just be worth it. But I couldn't afford to do that and live in NYC, Chaztown, or ATL. But I could do it here. I've already proven I could live on a small budget, and I think it'd be easy enough to make my budget a little larger.
Plus, I like it here. I mean - I miss my family and friends everyday. I do. And I miss the mountains, and the ocean and tall trees and old buildings and people that drink sweet tea. But I have this family here. And this feels like my city - it feels like our city. I feel like I'm a part of something here. And I feel like the person that I am here is a person that I want to be. No matter how much I grow and change and an individual, when I'm back in Atlanta I still feel like I can't get away from the less-confident, angsty teenager I was back in the day. I just want to fully come into the person I am now.
So it seems smartest to stay. And I'm pretty sure that if I went home - I wouldn't miss home anymore, but I would miss here. And here is a home for me in it's own right.
It's weird to be trying to figure all of this out now - but then - I feel like it's never too soon. Suffice to say that I still don't really have any idea.
I think my ideal would be - if I had money enough and time, I would continue living here. I'd finish my time at CF, and I'd spend my summer in NYC. And then maybe I'd come back for awhile and I'd work wherever, and then I'd travel for a bit. Spend some time back in Atlanta, Charleston and God - I'd love to go back to Europe for a few months. I could still volunteer at CF sometimes and be around for my kids. Of course I don't know how I'd make any of this happen, but maybe I could. It's always possible. And I could write the whole time and experience for one year at least - the life I've been dreaming about since I was four.
We shall see.
That's the update, I'll try to get some free time for another one soon!
PS. I want a pet squirrel!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Making it Mine
Wow. It is definitely time for a blog update so I can leave that last entry in emo-land where it belongs.
This weekend was absolutely CRAZY and very much needed after the mucho stressful week I had at work last week. All I'll say about work is that there was a whole lot of disgruntled employeeness (not solely on my part) that I'm pretty sure stems from CF being at the threshold of becoming an established, standarized organization - rather than the grassroots, homegrown project it's been up to this point. It's always hard to be wrapped up in something as the cement starts to dry.
Let us say no more about that dismal topic - and instead focus on the ridiculousness that was my weekend. First of all and - perhaps - MOST importantly, Lila came! It was most excellent. Not only did it feel absolutely wonderful to finally be able to show someone this new life of mine, but it also added some significance to my earlier trip to visit Lila. Now we're not just two best friends living new lives relatively close to each other - now we're a part of each other's new lives too. And it helped a lot that she got along with my friends fabulously - and they thought she was wicked cool.
Lila arrived at around 8 on Friday night, which was nice because it forced me to clean my room for the first time in several weeks. She got here and we went on an intense search for Leinenkeugal Sunset Wheat, which led us across town where we randomly decided to purchase the Shiner Hefe instead. Bad choice, IMHO, but worth it for the experience.
We got back to the apt right as friends were showing up to pregame and Tim and I discovered that we were wearing matching outfits... awkward. A bunch of people came over, including Chris, Amy, Jane, Tim, Rocky, Christina, and my roommate John of course. Haha, after a little bit of Harry Potter watching and conversing at home, we headed downtown to check out Molotov on West 6th street. Molotov turned out to pretty lame, so we quickly decided to head back to our old standard - The Tiniest Bar in Texas. This bar is actually just a gravel lot with christmas lights and picnic tables and a shed with a limited selection of beverages. Basically, it is awesome. Fabiola and her boyfriend met up with us too. We hung out there for the rest of the night, laughing, sharing stories, and (thanks to Lila's wicked phone) listening to some Modern Skirts. Actually, listening to Save Me that night was the first time I've really missed Athens since I left, but any sadness was tempered by the awesome atmosphere and energy of that night. Unfortunately, Anna and Laura showed up right as we were leaving the bar, and Renato never managed to meet up with us. But it was still a pretty sweet night which culminated with an impromptu trip to Whattaburger for some Justaburger goodness. How very fabulous.
Lila and I slept in a little on Saturday, and woke up just in time to realize that we were supposed to be at the Texas Fair Trade Forum (where we were volunteering) an hour earlier than we thought. So we quickly got our stuff together and headed out with John. The Forum was pretty interesting, but since I'm entirely not an auditory learner a lot of what was said was lost on me. But also cool was the fact that I was appointed video taper - so now I have filmwork to add to my resume. Aha, sweet!
Post-Trade Forum, John, Lila, and I headed to downtown proper so I could show Lila my favorite part of the city... the city part. We went to the Capitol first so I could show her the star than you stand on and only you can hear your voice echo. We checked out the Senate and HoR rooms, and Lila pointed out the plethora of stars involved in the interior design - so my kind of place!
We walked down Congress a bit, then over to Central Presbyterian on 8th - which I'd forgotten was hosting an Interfaith Arts Festival that pretty much rocked. We went to 6th Street next and realized as we walked that we were very very hungry. So we ended up at this place called the Iron Cactus which was a little pricey for my taste but had some of the best spinach and artichoke dip I've ever had in my life. And we all got into this discussion on fair trade which was kind of awesome.
We left downtown and dropped John off at home and then head straight for Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary, which I had yet to visit. It turned out to be literally right next to the UT campus which was only bad at the time because we were mobbed by drunken UT fans on their way to the Mizzou game. Nevertheless, Austin Sem. was BEAUTIFUL. Also on the main sign they had some of my favorite bible quotes of all time - emphasizing the ultimate commandment to LOVE. Yay!
Next I gave Lila a tour of our office which was pretty sweet, and then we headed home to finally chill for awhile. We got back and settled down to *finally* watch Maura Tierney's last episode of ER which originally aired on Thursday. It was amazing and also a nice flashback to my past life. There was this really cool scene where
[SPOILERS - IF YOU CARE ABOUT THE EPISODE THEN DON'T READ THE NEXT PARAGRAPH]
Abby is packing up her locker and she's prying off her name placard to take with her and Heleh walks in and asks her all sternly, "What do you think you're doing with that?" And Abby says it's a souvenir but Heleh tells her to follow her, and she takes back through the storage room and opens the door to this utility closet and there - against the cement wall - are the name placards of all the doctors and nurses who've left County General. They're ALL there! Del Amico and Boulet and Benton and Ross and Hathaway. "Some of them we had to put up for them," Heleh says and the camera focuses on Greene and Pratt. Abby asks about Carter's and Heleh tells her he refused - he said it was defacement of government property. Ha. And then Heleh tells Abby that she's the first to ever put up two. And Abby places her own and Luca's at the top of the wall. It was really an incredible scene, and even though I know they probably never even considered that idea until they sat down to break the episode, it felt like it could have been there all along - it was *such* and ER thing. And even though I'm descending into disgusting cheesiness I have to say that it really hit me. Because I've literally been watching this show for my entire life - and here are all the characters that I've cared about at one time or another - not gone or forgotten - but still firmly attached to memory and life somewhere in a hidden closet. Just like all the pieces of my life that have come and gone, all the people I've loved but no longer see or no longer know, all of it is still there - not gone forever, but lovingly placed on some wall of memory in my mind. If ever there were a time I needed to remember that, it's now.
[END SPOILERS]
Anywho, after we watched ER we headed over to Amy's for the shindig she threw in Lila's honor. It was another successful party at the commune where Lila got to spend some quality time with the people I've gotten closest to since moving here. I spent a good chunk of the party talking to Amy and two of Zach's friends - Adam and Alamo Joe (I call him this because of multiple Joes and the fact that he works at Alamo Drafthouse) - who we've also gotten to know. And then at one point I was sitting on Amy's front porch listening to Tim and Rocky playing music together (harmonica and guitar mostly) and it was just so nice - this perfect moment of contentment - and life felt so so right. And I realized - not for the first time - that I love it here.
This whole weekend was about realizing that, and also realizing how seamlessly Lila and I fit back into each other's lives. When she was here, it was like neither of us ever left. And there's something really comforting about that - it makes me feel like I have the freedom to go live this new life - without sacrificing the things I cared about most in my life before Texas.
Sunday I slept in again, and Lila left around 10:30 or 11. Eventually I met up with Amy and Anna (another CF friend) and we went downtown to meet up with Alamo Joe, Adam, and Zach to participate in this Zombie walk they had organized. Basically there were a few hundred people dressed up like the undead and we "shambled" and shuffled our way all over downtown and up to the steps of the Capitol for Zombie rights. I think that this was actually to advertise for this festival or something at the Alamo Drafthouse, but I'm not really sure. The point is that it was so much fun! Seriously, all these tourists were watching us and taking pictures and videos of us and we were growling at them and generally freaking people out. We made this one little girl cry, but that (and the sticky corn syrup blood) was the only real downside. I love that I'm the kind of person that terrorizes downtown Austin as a zombie. And that I'm friends with those kind of people too.
We had a happy hour afterwards at this bar downtown that gave us a whole keg of free, really good beer. As in Live Oak Hefe - but I stuck to water cause it was crazy hot.
After the happy hour, Amy, Anna and I went with Zach, Alamo Joe, and Adam to this restaurant called Star Seeds where they apparently eat abotu 10 times a week. It was a really really good time. They're all these movie buffs - especially Joe - and man - it's just nice to have cool people to talk to.
I was exhausted after all that, so I left as soon as we got back to Amy's house. I got home and Kimi was over (Kevin's friend who is also our friend now) and all my roommates were there and we watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition together and then Kev's friend Colin came over too and we all played the Wii all night and then we watched the Rays win the ALCS which was awesome.
You know - the only shadow on yesterday was that I spent a lot of it missing home. It's not that I want to go back for good, but I really really want to go home - just for a weekend. I want to see my parents, I want see D.P. one last time - I don't know - I just want to check back in. And I wish tickets weren't so expensive and/or I wasn't so poor so that I could.
But I was driving home last night from Amy's and I was thinking about how much fun I'd had that day and how great all the people I know here and it occured to me (once again) how Austin is absolutely the perfect place for me to be right now. I feel like it's this city of Lost Children (as in the Lost Boys from Peter Pan). We're just all these people who've run away from home and we don't want to grow up but it's happening anyway - so we're together in this fun carnival of a city holding tight to whatever remnant of childhood we can grasp (like zombie walks) and laughing and running around and living in the sunlight. And even when all I want to do is go home and see my family, it's still so much better than it could be because I know that I'm here with all these people who are away from their families too. It seems like almost no one in Austin is from here - we're all just making a home out of this place we've found.
So even though I still want to go home, it's nice to know that this place is becoming home too. I'm making it mine.
- L
ps. I really miss my nephew.
This weekend was absolutely CRAZY and very much needed after the mucho stressful week I had at work last week. All I'll say about work is that there was a whole lot of disgruntled employeeness (not solely on my part) that I'm pretty sure stems from CF being at the threshold of becoming an established, standarized organization - rather than the grassroots, homegrown project it's been up to this point. It's always hard to be wrapped up in something as the cement starts to dry.
Let us say no more about that dismal topic - and instead focus on the ridiculousness that was my weekend. First of all and - perhaps - MOST importantly, Lila came! It was most excellent. Not only did it feel absolutely wonderful to finally be able to show someone this new life of mine, but it also added some significance to my earlier trip to visit Lila. Now we're not just two best friends living new lives relatively close to each other - now we're a part of each other's new lives too. And it helped a lot that she got along with my friends fabulously - and they thought she was wicked cool.
Lila arrived at around 8 on Friday night, which was nice because it forced me to clean my room for the first time in several weeks. She got here and we went on an intense search for Leinenkeugal Sunset Wheat, which led us across town where we randomly decided to purchase the Shiner Hefe instead. Bad choice, IMHO, but worth it for the experience.
We got back to the apt right as friends were showing up to pregame and Tim and I discovered that we were wearing matching outfits... awkward. A bunch of people came over, including Chris, Amy, Jane, Tim, Rocky, Christina, and my roommate John of course. Haha, after a little bit of Harry Potter watching and conversing at home, we headed downtown to check out Molotov on West 6th street. Molotov turned out to pretty lame, so we quickly decided to head back to our old standard - The Tiniest Bar in Texas. This bar is actually just a gravel lot with christmas lights and picnic tables and a shed with a limited selection of beverages. Basically, it is awesome. Fabiola and her boyfriend met up with us too. We hung out there for the rest of the night, laughing, sharing stories, and (thanks to Lila's wicked phone) listening to some Modern Skirts. Actually, listening to Save Me that night was the first time I've really missed Athens since I left, but any sadness was tempered by the awesome atmosphere and energy of that night. Unfortunately, Anna and Laura showed up right as we were leaving the bar, and Renato never managed to meet up with us. But it was still a pretty sweet night which culminated with an impromptu trip to Whattaburger for some Justaburger goodness. How very fabulous.
Lila and I slept in a little on Saturday, and woke up just in time to realize that we were supposed to be at the Texas Fair Trade Forum (where we were volunteering) an hour earlier than we thought. So we quickly got our stuff together and headed out with John. The Forum was pretty interesting, but since I'm entirely not an auditory learner a lot of what was said was lost on me. But also cool was the fact that I was appointed video taper - so now I have filmwork to add to my resume. Aha, sweet!
Post-Trade Forum, John, Lila, and I headed to downtown proper so I could show Lila my favorite part of the city... the city part. We went to the Capitol first so I could show her the star than you stand on and only you can hear your voice echo. We checked out the Senate and HoR rooms, and Lila pointed out the plethora of stars involved in the interior design - so my kind of place!
We walked down Congress a bit, then over to Central Presbyterian on 8th - which I'd forgotten was hosting an Interfaith Arts Festival that pretty much rocked. We went to 6th Street next and realized as we walked that we were very very hungry. So we ended up at this place called the Iron Cactus which was a little pricey for my taste but had some of the best spinach and artichoke dip I've ever had in my life. And we all got into this discussion on fair trade which was kind of awesome.
We left downtown and dropped John off at home and then head straight for Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary, which I had yet to visit. It turned out to be literally right next to the UT campus which was only bad at the time because we were mobbed by drunken UT fans on their way to the Mizzou game. Nevertheless, Austin Sem. was BEAUTIFUL. Also on the main sign they had some of my favorite bible quotes of all time - emphasizing the ultimate commandment to LOVE. Yay!
Next I gave Lila a tour of our office which was pretty sweet, and then we headed home to finally chill for awhile. We got back and settled down to *finally* watch Maura Tierney's last episode of ER which originally aired on Thursday. It was amazing and also a nice flashback to my past life. There was this really cool scene where
[SPOILERS - IF YOU CARE ABOUT THE EPISODE THEN DON'T READ THE NEXT PARAGRAPH]
Abby is packing up her locker and she's prying off her name placard to take with her and Heleh walks in and asks her all sternly, "What do you think you're doing with that?" And Abby says it's a souvenir but Heleh tells her to follow her, and she takes back through the storage room and opens the door to this utility closet and there - against the cement wall - are the name placards of all the doctors and nurses who've left County General. They're ALL there! Del Amico and Boulet and Benton and Ross and Hathaway. "Some of them we had to put up for them," Heleh says and the camera focuses on Greene and Pratt. Abby asks about Carter's and Heleh tells her he refused - he said it was defacement of government property. Ha. And then Heleh tells Abby that she's the first to ever put up two. And Abby places her own and Luca's at the top of the wall. It was really an incredible scene, and even though I know they probably never even considered that idea until they sat down to break the episode, it felt like it could have been there all along - it was *such* and ER thing. And even though I'm descending into disgusting cheesiness I have to say that it really hit me. Because I've literally been watching this show for my entire life - and here are all the characters that I've cared about at one time or another - not gone or forgotten - but still firmly attached to memory and life somewhere in a hidden closet. Just like all the pieces of my life that have come and gone, all the people I've loved but no longer see or no longer know, all of it is still there - not gone forever, but lovingly placed on some wall of memory in my mind. If ever there were a time I needed to remember that, it's now.
[END SPOILERS]
Anywho, after we watched ER we headed over to Amy's for the shindig she threw in Lila's honor. It was another successful party at the commune where Lila got to spend some quality time with the people I've gotten closest to since moving here. I spent a good chunk of the party talking to Amy and two of Zach's friends - Adam and Alamo Joe (I call him this because of multiple Joes and the fact that he works at Alamo Drafthouse) - who we've also gotten to know. And then at one point I was sitting on Amy's front porch listening to Tim and Rocky playing music together (harmonica and guitar mostly) and it was just so nice - this perfect moment of contentment - and life felt so so right. And I realized - not for the first time - that I love it here.
This whole weekend was about realizing that, and also realizing how seamlessly Lila and I fit back into each other's lives. When she was here, it was like neither of us ever left. And there's something really comforting about that - it makes me feel like I have the freedom to go live this new life - without sacrificing the things I cared about most in my life before Texas.
Sunday I slept in again, and Lila left around 10:30 or 11. Eventually I met up with Amy and Anna (another CF friend) and we went downtown to meet up with Alamo Joe, Adam, and Zach to participate in this Zombie walk they had organized. Basically there were a few hundred people dressed up like the undead and we "shambled" and shuffled our way all over downtown and up to the steps of the Capitol for Zombie rights. I think that this was actually to advertise for this festival or something at the Alamo Drafthouse, but I'm not really sure. The point is that it was so much fun! Seriously, all these tourists were watching us and taking pictures and videos of us and we were growling at them and generally freaking people out. We made this one little girl cry, but that (and the sticky corn syrup blood) was the only real downside. I love that I'm the kind of person that terrorizes downtown Austin as a zombie. And that I'm friends with those kind of people too.
We had a happy hour afterwards at this bar downtown that gave us a whole keg of free, really good beer. As in Live Oak Hefe - but I stuck to water cause it was crazy hot.
After the happy hour, Amy, Anna and I went with Zach, Alamo Joe, and Adam to this restaurant called Star Seeds where they apparently eat abotu 10 times a week. It was a really really good time. They're all these movie buffs - especially Joe - and man - it's just nice to have cool people to talk to.
I was exhausted after all that, so I left as soon as we got back to Amy's house. I got home and Kimi was over (Kevin's friend who is also our friend now) and all my roommates were there and we watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition together and then Kev's friend Colin came over too and we all played the Wii all night and then we watched the Rays win the ALCS which was awesome.
You know - the only shadow on yesterday was that I spent a lot of it missing home. It's not that I want to go back for good, but I really really want to go home - just for a weekend. I want to see my parents, I want see D.P. one last time - I don't know - I just want to check back in. And I wish tickets weren't so expensive and/or I wasn't so poor so that I could.
But I was driving home last night from Amy's and I was thinking about how much fun I'd had that day and how great all the people I know here and it occured to me (once again) how Austin is absolutely the perfect place for me to be right now. I feel like it's this city of Lost Children (as in the Lost Boys from Peter Pan). We're just all these people who've run away from home and we don't want to grow up but it's happening anyway - so we're together in this fun carnival of a city holding tight to whatever remnant of childhood we can grasp (like zombie walks) and laughing and running around and living in the sunlight. And even when all I want to do is go home and see my family, it's still so much better than it could be because I know that I'm here with all these people who are away from their families too. It seems like almost no one in Austin is from here - we're all just making a home out of this place we've found.
So even though I still want to go home, it's nice to know that this place is becoming home too. I'm making it mine.
- L
ps. I really miss my nephew.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
So I know that *technically* I already posted an update today, but it was a pretty crappy post and I have a lot more to say now - so I'm going to try it again. I went to the night service at University Pres tonight and *sigh* it just didn't feel right. Honestly, it reminded me a whole hell of a lot of the PSC at UGA, but I'm not a college student and that's not what I need right now. And to be fair - I wasn't crazy outgoing but they weren't particularly friendly either. The only people that went out of their way to talk to me were the minister (who spoke a total of about 3 sentences to me) and this one UT freshman from Mexico. And I didn't see a single person out of college. Not one.
Of course the real slap in the face was realizing that the PSC might have seemed like that to outsiders when I was there. I was part of the core of that place right from the getgo. I've never seen it from this side. And it's healthy in certain ways... to be made aware - but it also kind of sucks because that's not really what I'm looking for.
And Central Pres last week was super-friendly, but it didn't feel right either. I was the youngest and most single by what... 6 years? More? Where the heck are all the Presbyterian 22 year-olds in this world? Because they're certainly not in Austin, Texas. They have to be out there - somewhere - because they existed when I'm was 16... and 20... they have to exist now. They can't just disappear.
I'm frustrated. I get that I was a little slow in trying to get on the church bandwagon out here but I'm trying - and I'm not having a whole lot of luck. I don't even know where to look next. I feel like either too old, or too young, or too liberal, or too conservative for every place out here. And I'm constantly surrounded by these people who call themselves Christian but don't believe anything like what I do - and I just want to find people that understand where I'm coming from.
And I get that it's supposed to be hard, but here's the thing - it never has been. Not for me. For as far back as I can remember, I have been a part of a loving, caring, fiercely faithful church family at St. Luke's. And it hasn't always been perfect - not by a long shot - but it has always, always been mine. Growing up, I changed houses, and schools, and friends - and even my relationship with my parents changed - but St. Luke's was *always* there. A rock. And yeah - it's changed over the years, but I've changed with it. We grew together. St. Luke's - more than anywhere else in my entire life - was home.
And then I went to college and I put off finding a Faith community there for nearly 2 years because I was scared that nothing could live up to what I had in St. Luke's. And then I finally went to the Presbyterian Student Center, and 15 seconds after I walked in the door - I knew I was home. It was - truly - that easy. And when - years later - things got rough at the PSC, I could always go home to St. Luke's and find that center again.
But now... now I'm a thousand miles away. And the PSC has transformed into whatever it is without me, and St. Luke's is changing again - in bigger ways than I've ever seen - and here's the thing - I'm not there to change with it. I'm changing in my own way at here in Texas. St. Luke's and I are spinning in different directions and when I see it again, it won't be the home that I remember.
And I'm trying to deal with that, I am trying to take it in stride - but it's hard - because I don't have anything here to turn to. CoFo is great, and the people are great and I love them. But at the end of the day - it is still just a job. A place where I work as an employee. Not a family. Not a home.
I feel like I'm just freefalling out here. I need a place to call home. I remember what it was like for that year and a half at Georgia - before the PSC. When I thought my individual faith in God was enough to sustain me. When I wrote off the value of a Faith community in favor of my own resilience. I remember the emptiness and the struggle - and I remember my mother suggesting that perhaps that unhappiness, that hole inside me came from the sudden lack in a family of Faith. At first I didn't believe her. But there was that night in Guatemala all those years ago - that amazing eye-opening moment when I realized exactly what was missing. I don't want to go back to that. I don't want to feel it again.
I'm out here and I'm breaking my rules and terrifying myself and that's all fine and good but I need to find a home. I need to know where to look.
You know, you may think I'm crazy - but I've felt God speak to me three times in my life. The first time - I was struggling to figure out where I would go for college and I could not make up my mind. I prayed and prayed for guidance - and one night - I heard it. A gentle whisper but impossible to ignore. It said "be patient." I wasn't. I told my parents I wanted to go to UGA two days later. I have no idea what would have happened if I'd waited.
But my freshman year, I heard God again. I was wandering the parking lot outside of my dorm late one night, feeling alone and isolated and lost. And in all my typical dramaticness I looked up at the sky and I cried out, "If you care so much, why aren't you here? Why aren't you down here with me, making it better?" I felt it then, deep inside me. I felt His longing to do just that - to be down here walking with us - to embrace us with his own arms. I felt it and I knew it to be true.
And several years later, I lead a retreat for my PSC group, and we had our Sunday morning worship service on the edge of a beautiful lake. And as everyone walked away after it was over, I stayed - looking out at the water - seaching for God. And He was there and he said to me "Lo, I am with you always."
So you see, I know He is here with me. I know that He has blessed me with a lifetime of comfortable, steadfast Faith community. I know that I have been far luckier than most. But I also feel that loss all the more acutely now, and I don't know how to diminish it. I want to find a new church home, but I don't know how. And then I find myself asking - why bother? I'm not in this place for the long haul - 10 months at least - but 2 years at the longest. If this search is meant to be so laborious, why even put in the effort to look? Were I lucky enough to find a place - I'd leave it too in time.
Still I search. Open my eyes, that I may see.
Of course the real slap in the face was realizing that the PSC might have seemed like that to outsiders when I was there. I was part of the core of that place right from the getgo. I've never seen it from this side. And it's healthy in certain ways... to be made aware - but it also kind of sucks because that's not really what I'm looking for.
And Central Pres last week was super-friendly, but it didn't feel right either. I was the youngest and most single by what... 6 years? More? Where the heck are all the Presbyterian 22 year-olds in this world? Because they're certainly not in Austin, Texas. They have to be out there - somewhere - because they existed when I'm was 16... and 20... they have to exist now. They can't just disappear.
I'm frustrated. I get that I was a little slow in trying to get on the church bandwagon out here but I'm trying - and I'm not having a whole lot of luck. I don't even know where to look next. I feel like either too old, or too young, or too liberal, or too conservative for every place out here. And I'm constantly surrounded by these people who call themselves Christian but don't believe anything like what I do - and I just want to find people that understand where I'm coming from.
And I get that it's supposed to be hard, but here's the thing - it never has been. Not for me. For as far back as I can remember, I have been a part of a loving, caring, fiercely faithful church family at St. Luke's. And it hasn't always been perfect - not by a long shot - but it has always, always been mine. Growing up, I changed houses, and schools, and friends - and even my relationship with my parents changed - but St. Luke's was *always* there. A rock. And yeah - it's changed over the years, but I've changed with it. We grew together. St. Luke's - more than anywhere else in my entire life - was home.
And then I went to college and I put off finding a Faith community there for nearly 2 years because I was scared that nothing could live up to what I had in St. Luke's. And then I finally went to the Presbyterian Student Center, and 15 seconds after I walked in the door - I knew I was home. It was - truly - that easy. And when - years later - things got rough at the PSC, I could always go home to St. Luke's and find that center again.
But now... now I'm a thousand miles away. And the PSC has transformed into whatever it is without me, and St. Luke's is changing again - in bigger ways than I've ever seen - and here's the thing - I'm not there to change with it. I'm changing in my own way at here in Texas. St. Luke's and I are spinning in different directions and when I see it again, it won't be the home that I remember.
And I'm trying to deal with that, I am trying to take it in stride - but it's hard - because I don't have anything here to turn to. CoFo is great, and the people are great and I love them. But at the end of the day - it is still just a job. A place where I work as an employee. Not a family. Not a home.
I feel like I'm just freefalling out here. I need a place to call home. I remember what it was like for that year and a half at Georgia - before the PSC. When I thought my individual faith in God was enough to sustain me. When I wrote off the value of a Faith community in favor of my own resilience. I remember the emptiness and the struggle - and I remember my mother suggesting that perhaps that unhappiness, that hole inside me came from the sudden lack in a family of Faith. At first I didn't believe her. But there was that night in Guatemala all those years ago - that amazing eye-opening moment when I realized exactly what was missing. I don't want to go back to that. I don't want to feel it again.
I'm out here and I'm breaking my rules and terrifying myself and that's all fine and good but I need to find a home. I need to know where to look.
You know, you may think I'm crazy - but I've felt God speak to me three times in my life. The first time - I was struggling to figure out where I would go for college and I could not make up my mind. I prayed and prayed for guidance - and one night - I heard it. A gentle whisper but impossible to ignore. It said "be patient." I wasn't. I told my parents I wanted to go to UGA two days later. I have no idea what would have happened if I'd waited.
But my freshman year, I heard God again. I was wandering the parking lot outside of my dorm late one night, feeling alone and isolated and lost. And in all my typical dramaticness I looked up at the sky and I cried out, "If you care so much, why aren't you here? Why aren't you down here with me, making it better?" I felt it then, deep inside me. I felt His longing to do just that - to be down here walking with us - to embrace us with his own arms. I felt it and I knew it to be true.
And several years later, I lead a retreat for my PSC group, and we had our Sunday morning worship service on the edge of a beautiful lake. And as everyone walked away after it was over, I stayed - looking out at the water - seaching for God. And He was there and he said to me "Lo, I am with you always."
So you see, I know He is here with me. I know that He has blessed me with a lifetime of comfortable, steadfast Faith community. I know that I have been far luckier than most. But I also feel that loss all the more acutely now, and I don't know how to diminish it. I want to find a new church home, but I don't know how. And then I find myself asking - why bother? I'm not in this place for the long haul - 10 months at least - but 2 years at the longest. If this search is meant to be so laborious, why even put in the effort to look? Were I lucky enough to find a place - I'd leave it too in time.
Still I search. Open my eyes, that I may see.
A Place in Time, Beyond the Sun
Hey beautiful/lovelies,
Have I mentioned lately how much I LOVE Texas? Seriously, last night I went to the Miss Kyle pageant (Kyle is the town where my high school is) and it was REE-dic-u-lous! The theme was (of course) the Wild, Wild West, and all of the girls danced around in cowboy boots and daisy dukes. Holy. cow. To be honest, I think the other coaches and I all felt like first-class creepers, and I sent a silent prayer up that I never had to go down that beauty queen path. You know, most of the time I'm not particularly aware that I'm in Texas... but then I go to something like Miss Kyle and - yep - it's Texas.
In other news, it's been a heck of a week at work! The second week of junior classes and I suddenly went from feeling like I didn't have enough to do - to feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed. I stressed about it at first, but I guess I'm getting into a rhythm and eventually I'll just be used to it. I'm still loving my kids, but it's just becoming more and more clear to me that this... teaching - it isn't the path for me. At least not right now. Which makes me future - my immediate future anyway - very unclear. I mean I think this film thing is going to happen - I want it to happen. But film school is nearly 2 years off - and I'll be done with CF in 8 months (maybe) - so the question is - what happens then? What happens between CF and Film School?
I have been seriously thinking of doing a second year at CF, but I'm just not sure. It'd be great to stay with my kids and see them graduate - see them go off to college. And some of my closest friends here are thinking of doing a second year - not to mention my roommates. And this - this is good work that I'm doing - something meaningful. But it's not the only thing I can do. And it's not where I'm headed. Things at work can be... stressful. And I get that work will always be stressful, but it can be a different kind of stress. I'm not sure I can have the kind of job where I might be required to go against my personal morals just to keep getting my paycheck (especially when it's an $800/mo paycheck). I just envision myself being burnt out a year from now. I guess we'll see.
If I'm not staying at College Forward, then I don't know what I'll be doing - the possibilities are endless. I guess that's the appeal - but sooner or later, I have to choose something. I could see myself sticking around Austin for another year - it's a cool city, opportunities abound, and regardless of whether they do CF, most of the people I know will still be here. But - I don't know - if I could find a way to swing it, I could also see myself spending a year in New York or - hell - maybe even bumming around Europe. The bottom line is: I'm young and I won't be young forever - next year may be my last chance to do something... unexpected.
Well, whatever happens - it won't be for awhile. For now I'm here and I'm going to make the most it.
Life in Austin continues, and I'm checking out University Pres tonight. More updates soon.
Have I mentioned lately how much I LOVE Texas? Seriously, last night I went to the Miss Kyle pageant (Kyle is the town where my high school is) and it was REE-dic-u-lous! The theme was (of course) the Wild, Wild West, and all of the girls danced around in cowboy boots and daisy dukes. Holy. cow. To be honest, I think the other coaches and I all felt like first-class creepers, and I sent a silent prayer up that I never had to go down that beauty queen path. You know, most of the time I'm not particularly aware that I'm in Texas... but then I go to something like Miss Kyle and - yep - it's Texas.
In other news, it's been a heck of a week at work! The second week of junior classes and I suddenly went from feeling like I didn't have enough to do - to feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed. I stressed about it at first, but I guess I'm getting into a rhythm and eventually I'll just be used to it. I'm still loving my kids, but it's just becoming more and more clear to me that this... teaching - it isn't the path for me. At least not right now. Which makes me future - my immediate future anyway - very unclear. I mean I think this film thing is going to happen - I want it to happen. But film school is nearly 2 years off - and I'll be done with CF in 8 months (maybe) - so the question is - what happens then? What happens between CF and Film School?
I have been seriously thinking of doing a second year at CF, but I'm just not sure. It'd be great to stay with my kids and see them graduate - see them go off to college. And some of my closest friends here are thinking of doing a second year - not to mention my roommates. And this - this is good work that I'm doing - something meaningful. But it's not the only thing I can do. And it's not where I'm headed. Things at work can be... stressful. And I get that work will always be stressful, but it can be a different kind of stress. I'm not sure I can have the kind of job where I might be required to go against my personal morals just to keep getting my paycheck (especially when it's an $800/mo paycheck). I just envision myself being burnt out a year from now. I guess we'll see.
If I'm not staying at College Forward, then I don't know what I'll be doing - the possibilities are endless. I guess that's the appeal - but sooner or later, I have to choose something. I could see myself sticking around Austin for another year - it's a cool city, opportunities abound, and regardless of whether they do CF, most of the people I know will still be here. But - I don't know - if I could find a way to swing it, I could also see myself spending a year in New York or - hell - maybe even bumming around Europe. The bottom line is: I'm young and I won't be young forever - next year may be my last chance to do something... unexpected.
Well, whatever happens - it won't be for awhile. For now I'm here and I'm going to make the most it.
Life in Austin continues, and I'm checking out University Pres tonight. More updates soon.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
The Kids are Alright
Well I'm long overdue for an update in this thing. Since the last time I wrote, I have gone to San Antonio to visit Lila, met the new Zach (aka. our recently hired supervisor), had my first official Junior class, got officially sworn in as an AmeriCorps member and [finally] visited a church.
I don't know if I can really pound out a long enough entry to give justice to all the things that have happened - so you might have to settle for an abbreviated version. But on the upside - I'm working on my Life of Layton movie and will hopefully be ready to upload it in a few weeks.
Meanwhile...
SAN ANTONIO
I spent last weekend visiting my BFF - Lila - in San Antonio. Not only was it nice to see a familiar face, but it was also cool to see a part of Texas that isn't Austin and to have something new to explore. I think San Antonio is a fair bit bigger than Austin, and I've gotten so used to Austin's size that I was a little overwhelmed. S.A.'s real claim to fame is the Alamo and the Riverwalk. It was a little touristy I guess, but I'm a total sucker for that stuff so I liked it. We also got to check out Jake's Place - the LIG GNS on the Riverwalk. Probably one of the best things about going to visit Lila was getting to see what another AmeriCorps program is like. It's amazing how different our two programs are. We both deal with issues in education, but my program is this grassroots organization that's very small and local and just kind of all over the place. City Year San Antonio is based out of a national organization (City Year) so it's a lot more streamlined and put together. There's more of a focus on method and the group mentality - with chants and matching uniforms. It was definitely a valuable experience to spend some time with that org., but it also made me realize how much CoFo was the right fit for me. So even though I had a great time, it was nice to get back home to Austin and College Forward.
THE NEW ZACH
The new Zach is named Kristen, and she moved to Austin last December after spending 5 years working with NPOs in Los Angeles. I haven't had too much time to talk with her yet, but she seems pretty awesome. We did bond briefly over L.A. on Friday at our AmeriCorps swearing in. I think we'll all miss Zach, but props to Melody for finding us such a rock solid replacement.
MY FIRST OFFICIAL JUNIOR CLASS!
This is the big one. What we've all been waiting for - the start of our own classes. I think even the senior coaches were excited to have new faces on board and to have their own classes fully to themselves. I was super stoked for my first class - and not nearly as nervous as I expected to be. The main focus of my first class was introducing myself to my kids and getting to know them - as well as dividing them up into the teams they'll be in all year. I decided to do teams both to break down the class into manageable groups and also because I feel like a team mentality can really motivate people.
By the time the early class was supposed to start, Fabiola and I had over 50 juniors to contend with, so we split the class in half and each took one. For the record, 26 is still a lot of kids for one classroom! My first class was neither as bad as I'd feared nor as good as I'd hoped. The kids were pretty talkative, and I had to talk over them a lot and ask them to be quiet. But they're fun and happy and they have a lot of personality. They seemed pretty into the team thing - so hopefully that'll work out. I think they haven't quite made up their minds about me yet. I'm sort of a whole new breed - not quite a teacher and not quite a peer. I look forward to sort establishing my role with them - but I think it's going to be a great year.
My late class was much smaller - I ended up with about 14 kids. Somehow I ended up with all the loud, rambunctious boys and Fabi ended up with all the quiet girls so I think I'm going to have my hands full. My I swear - I love every single one of them. They just keep things fun and exciting and to be honest - I think they're really happy to be there and I think they really like me. It's nice having a smaller group to work with, but I don't want to be biased towards one class over the other. I know I'll love all the kids in my early class too - it just might take me longer to get to know them.
Tuesday I'm starting journals with my kids - sa-weet!
SWEARING IN
Friday we had our swearing in ceremony, which was a little lame but mostly awesome. The ceremony was a little chaotic, but there was something very satisfying about making our term of service official. And it was powerful to see all the AmeriCorps members in Austin together in one place. Change is happening - not just at CF but all over - and it's amazing. It's amazing to be a part of it.
CHURCH
I finally went. I almost didn't - I went out last night and stayed out later than I planned - so I woke up this morning and all I wanted to do was sleep. But I dragged myself out of the bed and into the shower and found myself at Central Pres downtown only 5 minutes late. The church is (I think) the oldest PC USA church in town (obviously predating the existence of PC USA) and it's this pretty old building. The inside of the sanctuary is beautiful - very warm and cozy. It was sunny and hot outside, but somehow it was easy to imagine - from inside - that it was a crisp, gray autumn day outside. To be clear - I see that as a good thing.
The sermon was pretty good - this is definitely an outreach focused church - both international and local. After the service I was bombarded by people welcoming me and introducing themselves - it was such a friendly environment and it felt so nice to be around that again. The pastor himself came up to say hello - he's this friendly old man with crinkly eyes. And then this girl, Laura, invited me to go to this young adult thing tonight. So I went to that too and met a whole bunch more people. They were all very nice and I could definitely see myself getting involved with that. The only real downsides were that it was mostly girls and I was by far the youngest. I think I'm also going to check on University Pres because they might have more folks my age.
But things are going well - stay tuned for more news!
I don't know if I can really pound out a long enough entry to give justice to all the things that have happened - so you might have to settle for an abbreviated version. But on the upside - I'm working on my Life of Layton movie and will hopefully be ready to upload it in a few weeks.
Meanwhile...
SAN ANTONIO
I spent last weekend visiting my BFF - Lila - in San Antonio. Not only was it nice to see a familiar face, but it was also cool to see a part of Texas that isn't Austin and to have something new to explore. I think San Antonio is a fair bit bigger than Austin, and I've gotten so used to Austin's size that I was a little overwhelmed. S.A.'s real claim to fame is the Alamo and the Riverwalk. It was a little touristy I guess, but I'm a total sucker for that stuff so I liked it. We also got to check out Jake's Place - the LIG GNS on the Riverwalk. Probably one of the best things about going to visit Lila was getting to see what another AmeriCorps program is like. It's amazing how different our two programs are. We both deal with issues in education, but my program is this grassroots organization that's very small and local and just kind of all over the place. City Year San Antonio is based out of a national organization (City Year) so it's a lot more streamlined and put together. There's more of a focus on method and the group mentality - with chants and matching uniforms. It was definitely a valuable experience to spend some time with that org., but it also made me realize how much CoFo was the right fit for me. So even though I had a great time, it was nice to get back home to Austin and College Forward.
THE NEW ZACH
The new Zach is named Kristen, and she moved to Austin last December after spending 5 years working with NPOs in Los Angeles. I haven't had too much time to talk with her yet, but she seems pretty awesome. We did bond briefly over L.A. on Friday at our AmeriCorps swearing in. I think we'll all miss Zach, but props to Melody for finding us such a rock solid replacement.
MY FIRST OFFICIAL JUNIOR CLASS!
This is the big one. What we've all been waiting for - the start of our own classes. I think even the senior coaches were excited to have new faces on board and to have their own classes fully to themselves. I was super stoked for my first class - and not nearly as nervous as I expected to be. The main focus of my first class was introducing myself to my kids and getting to know them - as well as dividing them up into the teams they'll be in all year. I decided to do teams both to break down the class into manageable groups and also because I feel like a team mentality can really motivate people.
By the time the early class was supposed to start, Fabiola and I had over 50 juniors to contend with, so we split the class in half and each took one. For the record, 26 is still a lot of kids for one classroom! My first class was neither as bad as I'd feared nor as good as I'd hoped. The kids were pretty talkative, and I had to talk over them a lot and ask them to be quiet. But they're fun and happy and they have a lot of personality. They seemed pretty into the team thing - so hopefully that'll work out. I think they haven't quite made up their minds about me yet. I'm sort of a whole new breed - not quite a teacher and not quite a peer. I look forward to sort establishing my role with them - but I think it's going to be a great year.
My late class was much smaller - I ended up with about 14 kids. Somehow I ended up with all the loud, rambunctious boys and Fabi ended up with all the quiet girls so I think I'm going to have my hands full. My I swear - I love every single one of them. They just keep things fun and exciting and to be honest - I think they're really happy to be there and I think they really like me. It's nice having a smaller group to work with, but I don't want to be biased towards one class over the other. I know I'll love all the kids in my early class too - it just might take me longer to get to know them.
Tuesday I'm starting journals with my kids - sa-weet!
SWEARING IN
Friday we had our swearing in ceremony, which was a little lame but mostly awesome. The ceremony was a little chaotic, but there was something very satisfying about making our term of service official. And it was powerful to see all the AmeriCorps members in Austin together in one place. Change is happening - not just at CF but all over - and it's amazing. It's amazing to be a part of it.
CHURCH
I finally went. I almost didn't - I went out last night and stayed out later than I planned - so I woke up this morning and all I wanted to do was sleep. But I dragged myself out of the bed and into the shower and found myself at Central Pres downtown only 5 minutes late. The church is (I think) the oldest PC USA church in town (obviously predating the existence of PC USA) and it's this pretty old building. The inside of the sanctuary is beautiful - very warm and cozy. It was sunny and hot outside, but somehow it was easy to imagine - from inside - that it was a crisp, gray autumn day outside. To be clear - I see that as a good thing.
The sermon was pretty good - this is definitely an outreach focused church - both international and local. After the service I was bombarded by people welcoming me and introducing themselves - it was such a friendly environment and it felt so nice to be around that again. The pastor himself came up to say hello - he's this friendly old man with crinkly eyes. And then this girl, Laura, invited me to go to this young adult thing tonight. So I went to that too and met a whole bunch more people. They were all very nice and I could definitely see myself getting involved with that. The only real downsides were that it was mostly girls and I was by far the youngest. I think I'm also going to check on University Pres because they might have more folks my age.
But things are going well - stay tuned for more news!
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