Today is the first day of the rest of your life, make it a good one.

Hey y'all,

Here I am - back finally - after a horrendously long hiatus. I'm sensing it might be more difficult to keep this thing updated this year, but I will do the best I can.

Anywho, I've been back in Austin for just over 2 weeks now and things are finally settling into a bit of a routine.

Tomorrow marks my last day of training at Citizen Schools, and Tuesday we start our full program and meet our kids. Can I just say, that I am so totally stoked about this job?! Granted, I know that I was crazy excited about CF this time last year, but something seems to fit about Citizen Schools that didn't with CF. I don't think I ever would have quite expected this, but I think I really am cut out specifically to work with middle schoolers. It's funny, because the whole time I worked with middle schoolers at St. Luke's and Asheville School, all I wanted to do was work with high school students. But now that I've done it, I realize that middle school is absolutely my thing.

At CF, it was always this struggle to keep your kids motivated without being so into it and excited that you seemed lame. High school students seem so set on being too cool for everything. But it's different with Citizen Schools. We have these cheers and games and language - this whole culture really - that's all about being excited and fun and positive and I find that I'm buying into it completely. There have been so many times in the last 2 weeks that I've thought to myself "oh man, I'm so cut out for this." It's such a great feeling... I've missed that.

I found out that my team will be 14-16 6th graders and we're called Team Respect. All of the teams are named after the core values of CS and what's really cool is that I was assigned Team Respect because my boss, Leanne, believes that that is the value that I most fully embody. It may not be flashy, but it's such a strong thing. And I've realized that it really is one of the things I value most in life. Respect. So my team's cheer will be: "Team Respect" (I say that part), then "You, me, everybody!" (the kids say that). I came up with it myself and I'm super psyched to implement it. I've also decided that I really want to give my kids a sense of ownership about that value and why they're on this particular team. So I'm going to tell them that they're meant to set an example of respect not only in our program but in their school day too. And I want to give them opportunities to report to me about times during the school day when they observe their teammates showing respect to others. The best part is, since I have 6th graders I think I could really get them to buy into it and maybe that will shape the lens through which the view and encounter their middle school experience. It's going to be great! And of course we'll start off our time together with the classic Aretha song! R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Meanwhile, I also found out this week which apprenticeships I'll be working with and proposed my Discovery Time idea. So basically, I have my team for 45 minutes everyday during AIM (Aspire, Invest, Make the grade) which is scheduled homework time and also on mondays for our Academic support program. Then for 90 minutes on Tuesday and Thursday I help a community volunteer lead an apprenticeship about their job that kids from the program can sign up for according to their interest. So my Tuesday apprenticeship is going to be with a farmer named Travis who is teaching about gardening and permaculture. It's going to be so awesome because our kids are going to design and begin to implement a garden on their school campus that will last for years to come!

And my second apprenticeship is with a woman teaching graphic design and I'm meeting with her tomorrow to figure out what totally awesome project our kids are going to work on. PLUS! On wednesdays our kids have discovery time - which is lead by team leaders (ie. me) and is just a shorter term (3 week cycles) and less intensive activity. I am going to be leading improv class which is going to be so much fun! The best part is, I'll benefit too because improv was something I always enjoyed but struggled with.

So far CS seems like it's going to be great. I like my coworkers and I can't wait to meet my kids. My only worry is that they seem to expect much more of a time investment than they're paying us for. But I have the benefit of having learned from last year the importance of setting strong boundaries and personal limits so I'm going to try and stay on top of that.

Meanwhile, I also started training for my second job this week, at a restaurant called Galaxy Cafe. It's this cool counter business that has really unique twists on somewhat standard food and it's locally own which is totally in keeping with Austin's whole ideal. It's definitely just a job, but that's kind of nice and everyone that works there seems really cool. Plus I'm catching on pretty quick. I just can't wait to finish training so I can start getting my cut of the tips.

The housing situation is pretty great too. I love all of my roommates (duh, since they're my friends) but we're all busy enough that I don't think we'll get too sick of each other. SO that's good. And I've been finding a lot more time to hang out with Anna which has just been so so so good. And Lila and I have both pledged to make more effort to visit each other so I'm excited about that too. I honestly think it's just going to be the kind of crazy fun you can only have when you're 23 and unsettled. I finally unpacked my room a few days ago and I really really love it. It's so wonderful to have my own space in this town. It's feels like I can breathe again.

I'm also trying to start eating and acting a bit healthier. It's been a struggle and a slow start but I'm excited about what it'll mean for me in the long run. I look forward to the day when being healthy will feel like second nature. Once I save up some money I'm definitely going to join a gym and sign up for some cool classes.

Money is the one thing that's really got me stressed out. I managed to deplete all my savings by leaving town this summer and I don't think I planned it well at all. This is the riskiest position I've ever been in financially and it is very scary and against my natural tendencies. But scary as it is, in some ways I think it's really good for me to have to face the reality of learning to spend wisely and truly manage money, rather than always having enough in savings that I didn't really have to worry about it. I'm determined to turn this into a learning and growing experience.

Another scary but exciting thing is that I've finally gotten serious about applying to grad schools. My first app is due in less than 2 months which is intense and hard to believe. But it's good to have a catalyst for action. That's UCLA, and I'm also applying to USC (due Dec. 1), and Chapman (due Feb. 1). I've decided not to apply to any other film schools because those are the ones I really want to go it and I feel like if I'm going to spend that much money on a degree of such limited marketability - I should really want to go there. But I'm contemplating simultaneously applying for some teaching abroad programs and maybe even some alternative grad programs. I think it can only be a good thing to keep your options as open as possible for as long as possible.

The only other big thing in my life right now (but it is big) is that I met a guy. And it's so super early right now that it seems foolish to bring it up but it's been different enough to warrant mention. We met on a dating website and finally met in person this past friday. We were out with some of his friends and Lila and my roommate Lauren and we just all had a blast. He was super cute and funny, and laid back and sweet. But the best and most striking part was that we just felt "in sync" with each other - if that makes sense. I've felt a lot of things about a lot guys, but I don't think I've ever felt quite "in sync" with someone. We've talked everyday since and we're going to watch the GA game together on Saturday and I'm so so excited. I just find myself feeling giddy, but not scared, and hopeful in this rare, awesome kind of way. I can't wait to see where it all goes. Th e only bummer is that he lives in San An, but it's close enough that I think we could make it work. So I promise to keep you updated on all of that.

I think that's pretty much everything. I finally finished reading Ishmael and while I sort of hate the author for being a pretentious self righteous [fill in the blank], and I don't by any stretch agree with him entirely - it got me thinking on a level that I haven't really at least since college, and probably longer. And that's very good. Thinking is very very good.

Also, all my shows start coming back soon with the premiere of Supernatural kicking it off next thursday! And fall football kicked off tonight! Woo! AND my house and I just watched the entire Freaks and Geeks series and it was unbelievable. I will write great television like that, and it will not get canceled.

It will be stupendous.


Love you all!

- L

Be Advised

I will begin regularly updating my blog starting with an entry sometime this week. So check back soon!

The Sweetest Winds...

It's 11:05 pm, and I'm sitting here with Jess and John watching (and Jane just got here) and we're watching the Tonys on TV and I'm writing my Emmy acceptance speech in my head. I have to be at work at 5:45 am tomorrow for round two of the college road trip.

The first week was a bittersweet experience, and so I face this sequel with both excitement and trepidation. Last week I got to spend some awesome time with 3 of my wonderful students, and a bunch of other sweet CF students, and I got to see them really picture themselves in college for perhaps the first time in their lives. On the other hand, I got in serious trouble twice - once for something that was 100% my fault and once by our ED about something completely false and unsubstantiated and the unjustice of it all made me want to scream and walk away from CF forever.

Like I said - bittersweet. In general though, it seems that the closer I move towards the end of my time at CF the more I am ready for it. I've learned a lot, I've grown a lot, and I appreciate it the experience. But on the purely selfish level, the most helpful thing I gained from this year was the assurance that this was not at all the path I want to go down. And that the nonprofit world is just as rife with manipulation, unfairness, and capitalistic competition as any other. I haven't lost my idealism entirely - I'd still like to believe that I can have a positive influence on the world. Rather, I've simply come to realize that I can seek out the achievement of that goal in whatever path I choose to take... and I will.

Meanwhile, the end of my time at CF has brought with it more than just reflection about the past year - it's also brought an inordinate amount of thoughts of home. It's weird. I feel like I've come so far this year and grown so much, but these past few weeks have found me far and away the most homesick I've been since moving here in August. I've always assumed that once I'd made it a year, the whole homesickness thing would just sort of fade away.

But it's summer, and summer is always a time I associate with being at home with my parents and old friends. Over and over again I find myself wishing I was poolside at the condo, or having a cuppa with my dad at the B&N across the street, or having lunch with my mom at La Madeline's or The Swan House. I just feel like summer in the South is a special experience for me. It's about visiting family and going to the beach and having barbecues and afternoon thunderstorms and I don't even know what else. But I miss it.

It doesn't help that issues with certain friends here are making me crave some space and distance. Or that I'm facing 2 weeks of nothing to do but be tempted into spending money. Or that we're fast approaching the 1 year anniversary of my grandfather's passing and it makes me think about my grandmother all the time. Or that the most recent fork I've taken in my road of life - this decision to pursue tv writing - makes me more uncertain than ever of when I'll be able to move back to GA or SC. I mean film directors and actors travel the world for the movies they make, and tv shows are shot in various places around the country. But as far as I know, nearly every tv writer works in an office in LA and I don't know what that means about my future life. I can't help but wonder if this might be my last chance to spend any real time at home.

There seems to always be this internal struggle going on with me - between the part of me that loves my family above all else and just wants to be near them, and the part of me that's filled with wanderlust and a need for adventure and a deep deep desire to pursue my creative dreams. And at these various points in my life I have tried to define myself as one or the other - by going to Guate for the summer, or by coming home early, or by moving here. But when I was at the Supernatural convention in LA, someone asked Jensen and Jared where they would want to be most in the world at that moment... other than at the con. And they both said... without hesitation... home with their families in Texas. And it made me think for the first time that maybe I don't have to be one way or the other. I know what I have to do to get where I want to go in life, but that doesn't mean I can't want to be with my family at every available opportunity.

There are people that never venture out into the world and spend their whole lives wondering what could have been. But there are also people who spend their whole lives running after a dream and just wishing that they could get it and take it back home with them.

So I have this 2 weeks between when my job ends and I go to Mexico and I've been wishing for a way to spend that time at home. And I've been thinking of flying standby while I still can (up til July 25th... when I turn 23), which would only be $70 each way, but I'm just not sure if it's the right choice. Part of me wants nothing more than to get home as soon as I can, and part of me is scared to miss anything here... to have to say good bye earlier to the people that will be gone by the time I get back in August. I don't know what the right choice is yet... I really don't. But tonight at the store I asked Jessica if she thought it was a cop out to go home early... like I was giving in to homesickness. And she said she couldn't tell me cause it doesn't work that way for her. I asked her if she meant she didn't get homesick, and she said, "no, I do... I just don't feel guilty about it." I'm not sure when I decided that wanting to go home was worthy of guilt, but I think maybe Jess has the right idea.

Alright, I have to go to bed RIGHT NOW so I can at least get a few hours sleep, but in the meantime check out this Ryan Adams song that I love love love:

Oh My Sweet Carolina


I went down to Houston
And I stopped in San Antone
I passed up the station for the bus
I was trying to find me something
But I wasn't sure just what
Man I ended up with pockets full of dust

So I went on to Cleveland and I ended up insane
I bought a borrowed suit and learned to dance
I was spending money like the way it likes to rain
Man I ended up with pockets full of cane

Oh my sweet Carolina
What compels me to go
Oh my sweet disposition
May you one day carry me home

I ain't never been to Vegas but I gambled up my life
Building newsprint boats I race to sewer mains
Was trying to find me something but I wasn't sure just what
Funny how they say that some things never change

Oh my sweet Carolina
What compels me to go
Oh my sweet disposition
May you one day carry me home

Up here in the city feels like things are closing in
The sunsets just my light bulb burning out
I miss KENTUCKY and I miss my family
All the sweetest winds they blow across the south

Oh my sweet Carolina
What compels me to go
Oh my sweet disposition
May you one day carry me home
May you one day carry me home


<3,

L

What is necessary is never unwise

Man oh man, I really think that sitting in a wicked cool coffee shop for 3 endless afternoons absorbed into a good book - with no real obligations, social or otherwise - has got to be one of my favorite ways to spend a weekend. I may have been embracing my inner social butterfly this year, but I can definitely feel that inclination winding down. I've gotten to where nothing seems more appealing than spending an afternoon alone reading or writing or both. I suppose it's perhaps it's become such a rare commodity in my life - I haven't got a prayer of being alone in my 2 bedroom apartment with 4 roommates, and it seems like there's always someone wanting to do something. Not to say that I don't appreciate being so constantly surrounded by people I enjoy - just that I've been blessed with more than my share this year.

I've spent a lot of time this weekend watching people walk through this coffee shop, and thinking about Austin and it's identity. It really is quite a cool city, made up almost entirely of young people walking their own paths and looking to have a good time. I feel like nearly everyone here is quirky in their own way. And so much of this city in terms of it's size, opportunities, and population seems so geared towards the things that I want and need. I don't think I could have asked for a better place to spend my first year of post-college adulthood.

But as this year is winding down - with only 4 weeks left at my job - I'm thinking more and more about the future, and there's a part of me that's growing increasingly restless. Austin will always feel like home to me, I think - and I'll always think of it fondly, but part of me is just so ready to be a part of something bigger. To live in a city that's too big to feel like it's mine. I've been reading so much about film schools the last few weeks, and I'm even starting applications this week - it's hard not to be excited about the promise of the future.

Still, I keep reminding myself that I like this little city, and that I have plenty yet to learn from it. Afterall, I have a whole other year here - and if I feel I've grown so much in just one year, what will another bring?

We're officially signing the lease on our house for next year this week. I think that'll be good for me - to have something to bring this coming year more to the forefront of my mind. And certainly the thought of living in a house with Amy, Lauren, John, TIm and C-Wid (all of us under one roof?!) is enough to think about it. Amy and I decided yesterday to turn our second living room into a mini, in-house coffeehouse - with comfy broken down chairs and endtables and a selection of gourmet teas. Maybe then I won't have to spend every day of next year at Epoch - not that that would be the end of the world.

I think maybe the reason I haven't been thinking of next year much is because so much of it is as yet undetermined. I don't know what job I'll have, or how I'll spend my days. It's scary I guess, my life has never been so undetermined. But I can't help but feel that it's good for me. We have to learn how to live and love our lives even when we're not in control. I think it's so much more exciting that way - letting life lead you, instead of the other way around. And besides, even when we're working our hardest to stay in control of everything - we're not really in control at all. There are too many things happening all around us without waiting for our signal or permission. If we go through life thinking we're in charge, we're that much more likely to be lost when we realize we aren't.

As much as I think I've grown and matured in this past year, in some ways I think I cheated by going with a structured program like AmeriCorps. This coming year will be an adventure unlike anything I've encountered before. At last, a life that's undetermined. And as much as I'm not ready, I am.

Btw - I hear it's raining hardcore in Atlanta, and everyone is bummed out. It's funny, because I've been wishing for a good solid few days of rain out here. It never rains here, and when it does - it's never like the storms back home. I never thought I'd miss the rain so much, but here I am. Perhaps I would have done alright in Scotland afterall.

A note on heroes

This is an awkward time to write this. It's Mother's Day and I'm writing about heroes and let's be honest - of course my mom is my hero (do you know the woman?!) - but that's not what I'm here to write about. I just got back from seeing Star Trek for the second time... and my reaction to that movie (obviously positive) and specifically the character of James Kirk has prompted me to say something about the characters that I have chosen as my role models in life.

It's funny to me that growing up - I always chose to idolize those characters in media and popular culture that made so much effort to rebel against and reject authority. Zack Morris (Saved by the Bell)... Shawn Hunter (of Boy Meets World)... Will Hunting... James T. Kirk (a la the newly revamped Star Trek). I have ALWAYS - without fail - aligned myself with those characters who placed themselves outside the status quo. Who refused to submit, and who were - generally speaking - cheeky bastards. What's funny is that while I have often been that person (a fair number of my teachers would testify to my disregard for authority) I have often also not been that person. I have often been the one so desperate for approval that I would sooner sell my soul than cross someone.

But that of course - testifies to the fact that I am not alone. It is not just me that idolized these characters... this particular archetype. Of course I'm not... after all, they were the stars of shows, weren't they? At least for my generation - and I would wager a millenia of generations preceding mine - a large number of people have idolized the rebel. Look how we elevate the cowboy! The pirate even, in modern pop culture. There is a piece in all of us - or at least most of us - I think - that wishes to be the rebel. To be that person that is so self-assured that they would flagrantly reject the wisdom of all those who have gone before them. And I don't know why - why that resonates within so many of us.

But I do know this. We all idolize those characters as children... but we all grow up to be different people. Some people put aside so idolizations and grow up to be happily rule abiding citizens. Some grow up to be so in line with rebel ideals that they fade out and fade away without leaving their mark.

And me? I'm 22 years old, and in my heart of hearts I still live by the code of the rebel everyday. So little of my life reflects that. My presence in Austin - so far from my home and what was expected of me - is one of the few exceptions. So is my staunch refusal to sell out and get a corporate, mindless, and secure job (not that anything is secure these days). And so... SO is my continuing commitment to pursue this whole film thing in whatever way it decides to manifest itself.

And that's the core of it. You see, I know that in order to do what I *want* to do in film... Zach Morris, and Shawn Hunter, and freaking James T. Kirk are exactly who I should be idolizing. The rebel cowboys that won't take no for an answer... they are the ones who make it in the world that I want to - MUST BE - a part of. And here's the thing... the thing that I am hesitant to say but must admit. Whether you see it or not... whether you're willing to believe it or not - I really think that if you stripped away everything unauthentic in myself... the rebel with a cause is exactly who I would be. I have these guilt issues and this perfectionism and this need to please. But these are environmentally inflicted things. They're unorganic. When I stop trying to be the way that I think I am supposed to be or that people want me to be... then I am that ballsy person.

And that is so essential. I'm tired of apologizing for who I am or what I believe about myself. So here's the truth - unforgivable as it may be: I think I have it within me to succeed at what I dream about it. I believe that I could take Hollywood and work it to my desire. I believe that I could be and WILL BE one of the big names. I believe that I'm talented beyond the norm. Well beyond the norm. And all I want is to remember to stop apologizing. To be who I am and be proud of it. Because once I've proven myself... then people may still be annoyed with me... but they won't be able to deny that I am good. I am damn good. And I will be great.

Watch for it.

All I have to do is stop apologizing... and start showing this cynical jaded and completely oblivious world just how much I am capable of.

One last note about these "heroes" of mine. It's important to recognize that they're not just mindless rebels... rejecting authority and breaking the rules for no good reason. Every single person like that that I have admired... the bottom line is they care. They care about the world and people and doing the right thing. In the end, they are not just unsubstantiated jerk burnouts... they are people who care... and people who know the only way to change anything in this world is to forget the fucking rules. To leave it all behind and just do what feels right.

I will be great. I will change things. And I won't apologize for it.

At last...

Ok, I'm so sorry that I'm so terrible at updating my blog. On the plus side though, I think my parental units are the only people that ever read it. So that's good.

Anywho, I'm here and I'm ready to update. What's new...

It's been a crazy month or so - I feel like I've been running around all over the place - but in the best way possible. I went to LA and met 70% of my Supernatural heroes, and then I went to Charleston and saw a lot of my family (one more person and it would have been perfect) and I might be going to watch the Mens College Volleyball national championship this weekend. I love traveling. I really do. Whatever else happens in my life I'm going to find a way to travel a lot.

I only have about a month and a half left at this job and I've been vascillating between sadness over leaving what's been one of the best experiences of my life, and excitement over what's coming in the future and moving on to the next phase. When CF ends, I will stay in Austin for about a week and do nothing, and then I will drive home to Atlanta. And then I will go to NYC and see Brian and Mark and Margaret, and then I will take a train to DC and see Robin and Jerry WHO ARE GETTING MARRIED OH MY GOSH! (but not that weekend) and then I will come home again and turn 23 and be in Atlanta, and then I will go to Charleston and see Josh and Laura and Huntman and Meredith and THE OCEAN!!! And then I will drive back to Texas and move into the party house and begin my life as the cool, hot substitute and apply to film school and write screenplays and generally embrace my art. So you see... as much as I love CF - I have good reason to be excited. Because life is happening and it's happening to me and it's happening in all the ways I've dreamed about.

This past weekend was really great. Friday night I hung out with Amy and we walked to HEB and I showed her my favorite house in Austin and then we talked about going to the bookstore for about 4 hours and then we actually went and didn't buy anything. And then Saturday I worked at this community service project down in Kyle and I planted a tree and it was really hard! Apparently, they have clay in places other than Georgia. And only one of my kids came to the project, but it just happened to be this girl who I love and who told me that I was one of the 3 inspiring/meaningful adults in her life. Aw. I love these kids - how could I ever have doubted that? Not that I really did - but for awhile I doubted if that was enough but it is, it is, it is.

And then Saturday afternoon I went to a party and watched the Kentucky derby and then we went to watch game 7 between the Celtics and the Bulls at this place called the Tavern - and we witnessed this crazy barfight. And then I went to Nomad with Amy and Anna and Palski and we watched people sing Karaoke to indie songs.

And then Sunday I went to see Wolverine and Hugh Jackman is beautiful. And then I watched our CF team absolutely obliterate the Coalition of the Willing in the flag football championship (all of the other teams we had beat combined their best players to try and beat us and we won 60-18). And then I went swimming at C-wid's pool and there's a hottub and it was awesome. And then John and I bought steaks with government money and grilled out and drank red wine with Amy and Lauren and Tim and it was lovely.

It is so summer and I love it! I can't believe my life has been so great for so much of this year... I hope I can keep it going.

The big thing that's been going through my mind in recent weeks is the decision whether to pursue Screenwriting or Directing in grad school. When I first decided that I wanted to go to film school, I pretty much ruled out screenwriting right away because I figured that I already know how to write, but I have no idea how to make a film. So I've been pursuing the directing line of thinking for the past 8 months or so. But then I went back to LA and it rekindled my desire to go to school out there right in the midst of things. And being that USC is the only school I was looking at in the city proper, and given that it's essentially the Harvard of film schools - I concluded that I might have a better chance of getting accepted as a screenwriting student (given my background).

Well I wrote to a couple of my friends in the film world and asked their advice - and surprisingly (and overwhelmingly) the advice was that I should be applying to school for screenwriting regardless of where I go. This was a huge deal because first of all, going to school for screenwriting would be a COMPLETELY different kind of education. It would only be 2 years, and I wouldn't really make many films or maybe any. But I would get to take at least one course in directing, and I would save money by not having to produce films or go to school for 3 years. And afterwards, I'd be qualified to teach screenwriting in colleges. It was very much a trade-off because both production and screenwriting offer things that I very much want - and it seemed impossible to choose between them.

But after stressing about it for several weeks and soliciting several more people's advice - I've made the decision to pursue screenwriting - at least in school. So while I'll still probably apply to UT for directing (because their SW program doesn't have anything I want), I'll be applying everywhere else for SW. At least that's where things stand right now.

The thing is... I'm a writer. I always have been and I always will be. And whatever else I want to do, it just makes sense to start from what I know. Besides, I want to do so much in film, but I feel like in order to be successful I need to choose what I want most and focus on that... and let the rest follow. And I know that if I could only do one thing, I'd choose to be head writer/creator/showrunner on a show like Lost or Grey's Anatomy or Supernatural. So that's what I'll work towards and then we'll see what happens.

And get this, when I was first looking at film schools - I arbitrarily entertained the notion that I might be meant to go to school at UCLA because they had a professor named Lew Hunter... and those are my initials and my nephew's name so - you know - destiny and all that. But then their directing program was a million years long and didn't really have what I wanted so I nixed it. But then! As it turns out, it's screenwriting program has pretty much exactly (and I do mean exactly) what I want. And Lew Hunter happens to be the head of that particular department. So how about that?


Anyways, that's life. More updates to come a lot faster than this one did.

Crap

OH EM GEE! It just occurred to me that it has been a billion years since I updated in here. Count on a new blog entry TONIGHT!

At the request of an avid reader

It's occurred to me that I might never finish writing down the details of my trip to LA - as much as I would like to. But luckily, I had the foresight to right down my emotional impressions before I started on the play by play. So in an effort to move this blog along, I'm going to go ahead and write down those impressions from my trip. Yay!

Here goes!

written March 30, 2009 (at LAX and on the plane):

Obviously when I shelled out significant cash to attend this shindig - I suspected that I would have an awesome time: meeting SN cast members and fellow fans and generally embracing my inner fangirl. And I absolutely got all of that and it was wonderful. But I also got something else, that I didn't so much expect, which helped make this one of the best experiences of my life.

What I got was some serious re-inspiration and some much needed clarity about my path in life. I couldn't have asked for more - or better timing.

Things have been a little confused lately - what with people deciding to re-up (or not) at CF, other people toying with the idea to leave Austin, and my own doubts and over-dependency on others. And then last wednesday before going to LA, I rode along on a shift with my friend Erica's husband, who's an EMT. Being a paramedic is something that has kind of always interested me, but that I pretty much ruled out as a career choice due to my intense aversion to science.

But when I did a shift with Eric and his partner (yes, Erica's husband is named Eric), I had an incredible experience - despite sort of low activity - and felt like I could totally wake up everyday and do that job. It made me realize that life can proceed in a multitude of vastly different directions and that the paths we take aren't determined entirely by this feeling of "rightness" - if you will - but also often by decisions we make with incredibly limited information. Being the decision-phobe that I am, this realization had my mind reeling. How many different paths could my life take that would feel so right? 10? 100? 1000?

And here I was at 22, with my limited perspective, making the choice to take my life in this singular and somewhat irreversible direction... film. Was I sure that I would be most happy with that choice? That nothing else would fulfill me more? I was overwhelmed.

But what I've realized since - and in part because of this convention - is that whether or not I would happy doing something else is irrelevant. My life is not there, its here. The only question that matters is am I happy doing this film thing? Do I believe that I could be be fulfilled? And the answer is a resounding "yes!" And if that's not enough to quell my concerns, the knowledge that any other path I pursue might shut the door on this one, that *is* enough. More than enough. I keep coming back here because I simply can't imagine not doing it.

So maybe one day I'll write a book or make a movie about paramedics and maybe I'll get to do some more ride alongs - but I won't be one... because I'm a filmmaker.

So anyways, onto this weekend. In no particular order:

*SEEING LA AGAIN

I'd be lying if I said the location of this con wasn't one of my major deciding factors in coming. I love Los Angeles so much - all the craziness, all the life - and ever since I came out here with Lila 2 years ago I've been looking for an excuse to come back. It was great to see some of the places Lila and I hung out last time we were out here and to learn the bus system again. There's some accomplishment that comes from mastering (or barely managing, even) public transportation in a city this size. Being in this city again also served to remind me of how much I want to live here one day.

It may not feel like *my city* the way Austin does, but it certainly feels like there's a place for me here, and a place for her in my life - at least for awhile somewhere down the line.

*THE PEOPLE (LOS ANGELANS, THAT IS)

This weekend I had the benefit, both at the con and outside of it, to hang out with a number of people who are either from or currently residing in LA. What I have learned from these experiences is that people here are nice - genuinely so. They may be crazy - sure - but they're the nicest insane people I've ever encountered. Moreover, none of them think you're crazy. You might think that the whole "aspiring entertainment phenom" is such a tired cliche out here that it would induce eyerolling in even the most tolerant of people. But here's the thing: tired though it may be, that cliche is also firmly rooted in truth. Literally everyone I met here wants to carve out a sizable space for themselves, somewhere in the entertainment industry. Sure, they're a sort of competition, but they're also good company.

*OTHER SALTGUNNERS (AKA SUPERNATURAL FANS):

Yes, there are other people who watch Supernatural besides me - and a fair number of them identify themselves as Saltgunners - like me. This weekend I had the immense pleasure of talking to a whole slew of SN fans from all over the world - including Canada, England, Germany, and New Zealand.

Especially cool was having the opportunity to meet in person several people wit whom I was already acquainted through message boards and other SN sites. I finally got to meet my friend Moki (Michelle) who is a writer living in LA who I've been communicating with for several years thru the SN message board on the IMDb website. I also got to meet her friend, Ses (Karen), who I also know from the IMDb board.

On top of that, on my first day at the con while standing in line to register, I met a British woman named Tara and her friend, Andy. We got to chatting and continued to catch up throughout the weekend - but it wasn't til Saturday night that our conversation lead me to realize that Tara was - in fact - one of the masterminds behind the hysterical fan creation - Plastic Winchesters Theatre - which has developed its own impressive degree of celebrity within the fandom. After discussing PWT, Tara and I marvelled at the randomness of the fandom phenomenon as a pop culture movement.

I also made new friends... all Canadian. Kaitlyn and Katy are best friends who came together to the con from Vancouver, B.C. - where the show is filmed. They sat nest to me all weekend so we had ample time to talk. And then there was Sabrina - a native Torontan who i spent most of the weekend hanging out with.

It was really just so awesome to meet people who not only understand my love for SN, but also share in it. The result of my time with them is a restored confidence in myself and the things that make me who I am. I've spent too much of my life - especially lately, feeling ashamed or embarrassed about the things that I am passionate about or interested in. And that's just ridiculous, because nothing makes those qualities in me any better or worse than other passions and interests in anyone else. So I'm making no more apologies for things that make me me. I love Supernatural. I love sci-fi. I love "love story" by Taylor Swift and I love mid-90s Sheryl Crow.

* MEETING THE ACTORS

This weekend I met 10 actors from SN, including Jensen and Jared. And while I sincerely enjoyed hearing what they had to say about the show and asking my questions - it was also really good just to see them and hear them talk about their lives and know that they are in the industry and they are real.

None of them are really famous enough to be recognized by name or as a face on the street. None of them have won Oscars. They're just people doing their jobs and living out impossible dreams with a little bit of luck and a hell of a lot of stick-to-it-iveness. And I can't help but think that if they can do it - I can too. I will.

* MEETING THE Js

Jensen and Jared, Jared and Jensen - absolutely 2 of my favorite actors as well as 2 of my favorite people to look at. Meeting them would have been a dream come true for just those 2 reasons. But for me, there was a little more to it than that. So while I'll leave the finer details for the play by play - let me talk about this experience for just a sec. I just have to say that I have been waiting for years - years - for the opportunity to tell the boys what SN means to me - that from the very beginning it was the show that allowed me to realize what I truly wanted to do with my life - to pursue film - and that it motivates me weekly to continue in the pursuit of that dream.

So finally - finally - having the opportunity to tell Jensen and Jared all of that - and seeing them act with genuine interest and honor - has got to be one of the most sincerely satisfying experiences of my life. I wish I could re-live it - I wish I could remember every detail.

And it was absolutely worth the time and money - because if at this point I'm nothing more than a blurry memory somewhere in a dusty corner of their subconcious - I'm there. Somewhere in their minds they know that what they do means something significant to me - that their work does more than simply entertain. And I have the inspiring pleasure of knowing that that means something to them.


--- So yeah. That's my trip. More recent updates coming soon!

Before the West

Hey. So - it will take me a few days to write up my LA report in my journal and then transcribe it onto here. In the meantime, here's the blog entry I wrote while on the plane on Friday:



I’m flying over the Rockies as I write this (obviously not connected to the internet), and I am once again overtaken by the vast and varied beauty of this planet. Oh, but it is wonderfully and fearfully made. How could one ever think that such a piece of artistry ever came about by random astronomical chance. I suppose there’s wonder in that line of thinking too, but I know what these mountains say to me.

I’m on my way to LA and I am so excited. I know people generally hate that city, but I love it in ways I couldn’t really explain if I tried – so I won’t. It feels wonderful to be going back, if only for a short while. But it’s strange, the last time I was there I was so certain that eventually I would be returning for good. Now, I wonder if I ever will.

I never went to Austin thinking I would stay. I kept my expectations as low as I could, but I suppose that I hoped this year would be fun, fulfilling, and somehow altering. What I got was all of that and more – maybe even a home. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what Austin means to me. I say how much I love it all the time, but so much of that love is tied to the people I know here. And everyday that chance that those people will leave grows, and I have to wonder how much I would love my city without them. But my experiences wandering the city at South By, and riding in the ambulance (more on that in a moment) have shown me that Austin does indeed feel like my city.

I love my friends here, but I also love the way the tall buildings, like Frost Tower, grow out of the concrete sidewalks downtown, and the way the trees twist and curve like their frozen in dance, but never grow too high. And I love the way that everywhere you go here and almost everyone you meet, there’s this pervasive feeling that we’re all just so damn lucky to be here. To have found this place and to be able to stay here. It’s this – I think – that I love most of all. Because this is what reassures me that even if everyone I loved in the city left, there would just be more people here for me to love and be loved by. So I think I will stay here, for at least awhile – until my heart calls me elsewhere.

Ambulance. Wednesday night I did a ride-along with my friend Erica’s husband who is a paramedic in Austin. I shadowed him and his partner for a full 12 hour shift from 7 pm to 7 am and it was so totally awesome. Maybe not quite as exciting as one would hope – we only got 4 calls and none of them were urgent – but it just set me on fire. I feel like being a paramedic is something that’s been floating around in my head for years, as something I always thought would be incredibly cool to do, but assumed that I couldn’t because of how horrible I am at science. And now I’m on this different path – this filmmaking/writing path – but after Wednesday night, I can’t help but think that maybe in another lifetime that could’ve been my dream job.

* This is where I stopped, so I'll leave it as is - but look for my LA update soon.

Surreality is my Actuality

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future.

Things are strange. Not bad, kind of great, but strange.

I riding the wave of post-spring break surreality.

This past week has to have been one of the best weeks of my life. I mean, there was a little drama... there always is with me - but I spent so much of this week acutely aware of how happy I am here, in this life.

Here's the quickest overview I can manage:

* Went out last Saturday with all my current housemates for next year... met a boy.

* Went to the beach on Monday with almost all of my favorite people (Anna D, Tim, John, C-wid, Rocky, Lauren, and and had a wonderfully beautiful day. Went the furthest out I've been since I was 10. I heart the ocean... and my friends.

* Tuesday was St. Patrick's Day. Festivities started at 1 pm... 'nough said. (It was the crazy kind of fun)

* Laid out on Wednesday with C-wid, Jen, and Tim - got a decent tan. Played in a softball game as catcher... we lost 19-2 but went for beer after anyway. K. Roe came in town!

* Thursday went to some fantastic shows for bands I knew nothing about with the same favorite people (Amy, Tim, Lauren, K. Roe and Leah), then went to see Aric's band's first show. It was great until the police shut it down. Finally saw Lila and K. Roe and friends.

* Friday saw shows downtown, then went to Barton Springs with Anna D, Tim, Amy, John, C-wid and Jen and got an even better tan. :D Then went to a party friday night and also saw the boy (Nate) again before he left for London.

* Saturday saw shows all day including my FAVORITE band from Athens, Modern Skirts, with many favorite people (K. Roe, Lila, Lilaboy, Tim, Amy, Lauren, Clara, Leah, John). Then hung out with the band (friends!) and Amy bought a CD and got it signed by them all and the drummer said he normally wouldn't sign but since it was for friends... EEK! Finished the night chillin at Amy's watching old music videos of Weird Al and rap from like 6th grade with the favorites. (I didn't mention that in 6th grade I was listening to Spice Girls)

* Sunday finally got some sleep, went shopping with Lila and K. Roe, communed with Amy and K. Roe at the pizza parlour, and watched a fabulous episode of Supernatural. I am so stoked for this weekend!


It was wonderful. Now I'm back in the office and things are returning to normal and I find myself somewhat sad that I no longer have the pleasure of having my favorites all to myself... and all doing fun things. :( It was worth it though. Wonderfully worth it.

Here's a question, how do you give up something/someone when you know you have to move on, but you just don't want to and it doesn't hurt yet and there's no sign of the fact that it will be bad for you later, but you know it will be? I have no willpower when it comes to denying myself things/people I want.

LA in 4 days. Woo!

Call me Ace

I woke up in a wonderfully good mood today. This may or may not have to do with the 10 hours of sleep I received last night. Either way, I feel like I'm some crazy pendulum with the way I've been swinging back and forth lately.

Anywho, watched The Guardian last night... man I love that movie. I don't care what anyone says - I think it's good. Also read the intro for my GRE study book which came in the mail yesterday. Is it strange that I'm excited about it? Whatevs, I love taking tests. Amy and I made a bet about who would score higher. My goal is a 1600. That's a perfect score people. I mean, why the heck not. It could happen!

When I woke up this morning I realized that at that moment, the thing I wanted most in the world was to take a month (or 2) off, go live someplace rainy (preferably Scotland), shack up in an old house with a huge stone fireplace and reread the entire Harry Potter series. Since this is not currently feasible I am going to settle for a week of SPRING BREAK. WOOOOO! And dream about my future life as a filmmaker when I can infact take a month off to go live in Scotland and read Harry Potter.

What else?

Oh yeah. Tonight ER is bringing back George Clooney, Eric La Salle, and Juliana Marguelies. This will probably make me cry. Also I think they may ruin the potential of the show's current story line but that's okay.

Last thing: Everyday when I drive to work I go on this exit ramp that has two arrows made out of reflector lights that feel like tiny speed bumps when you go over them. Everyday, I try to make the arrow fit right between the wheels of my car so I can't feel the bumps. Today, I fit both arrows perfectly.

I am aces.

A New Spin on Things

So with the recent realization that there might be people that care about my life but don't enjoy reading 10 page blog entries about it, I've decided to try a new format. Rather than very occasionally writing horrendously long blogs, I'm going to trying to update roughly every day with fairly short entries. Can I get an Amen?

So yeah, we'll see how this goes.

Meanwhile, we seem to have said goodbye (temporarily) to that awesome Texas weather, and right now I'm staring out my window at gray rainy skies. Outside it is bitterly cold. Oh how the weather here likes to keep you on your toes.

Spanish conversation night right after work. I was sort of coerced into going, but it should be fun. After that, my first night not doing something for 2 weeks. Woo.

Spring Break in 2 short days. I. am. so. stoked. Maybe when I get back there will be less complaining all around about everything wrong about CoFo and more appreciation for what's good about it before it's gone forever. Maybe I'll remember why I fell in love with this job in the first place.

Best part of spring break? Staying at my friend Erica's house. Alone. For several days. AKA - the first time I'll have been alone in 7 months.

Still too long, I'll work on it.

I hope it gets warm again. Soon.

I wish there was an ocean here.

Two Roads Diverged

Okay, so I know I just posted a horrendously long blog entry the other day, but as I said in it I didn't have time or space to go into some exciting news about grad school - which was originally my whole point in writing. So, now that I've given people a couple of days to read my other entry if they were interested, I thought it'd be okay to come back and update about grad school.

Here's the first part of the exciting news: I think UT is my new #1 choice. It has been down to UT and Chapman for awhile, and I still love Chapman and am strongly considering it, but recent developments have moved UT into the lead.

I was looking at my Film School Confidential book the other day and I finally sat down and read the entire chapter on UT's film program. I hadn't realized that I had never read it in full because I had lent my book to Tim before I had even begun to consider UT.

But as I was reading the other day, I found out that most students that attend UT's film grad school get most if not all of their schooling paid for. I know that this is often the case in many disciplines for which you would pursue a graduate degree, but because film is kind of an... unnecessary degree most people end up paying for it out of pocket and suffering under the weight of enormous debt. However, because UT has such a small grad program (19 students) and such a large undergrad program (hundreds?), there are apparently enough TAships that nearly everyone that applies for one gets one. And a full time TAship is 20 hours/wk with free tuition and a living stipend. Hallejujah, amen!! This is just too good to be true... and if I can only get a half time one, that's still half tuition and half the stiped. Woot! And if I'm one of the unlucky few that can't get one at all, I still qualify for instate tuition and will have a $5000 AmeriCorps scholarship. So financially, UT is looking better and better all the time. The one big money downside? No funding for films - that's Chapman's biggest saving grace. Then again, Chapman's tuition is 30k/year.

Other things I love about going to UT:

* Staying in Austin - as much as I love the idea of moving to California, Austin really feels like my city and I'd love to know that I'll be here for a good while. And while it's certainly a gamble, the film industry here is growing quickly and there's a good chance (I'd wager) that getting entrenched here now could put me at the core of a sizable market 10 years from now. Not to mention that Austin is a much better city for non-profit work than LA (more on that later).

* Semester in LA - since no amount of love for this city can change the reality that isn't the best place to network for a career in film - that might be enough to make UT not a viable option. However, the school is well aware of it's isolated position and is working hard to make up for it. The best thing they've done? Opened a satelite campus ON the Universal Studios Lot in LA where you can spend one semester. So I could go there 2nd semester of my second year, set up a summer internship in LA and potentially network for a job for the following year! Another great thing they do is take 2 hours worth of the best footage from a given year and screen it for major studio execs in LA every spring. And of course... there's always the alumni network.

* Small size - while a smaller class means less future connections - it also means a closer knit community, more personal attention from professors, and less competition. Woo!

* Documentary program - given my growing interest in film as a means for advocacy (Invisible Children being my primary example) it seems almost fated that I would end up in the same city as one of the only graduate film schools renowned for both it's documentary and narrative film programs. As a first year grad student everyone learns both documentary and narrative filmmaking. They choose to specialize in one in their second year, but continue to work with students from both specialties. Yay!

* Minor requirement - as a true liberal arts school, UT requires all of it's film grad students to have a minor outside their area of study. The best part? They have a program I can minor in that's Nonprofit Management. What what?!

* Requirements more up my alley - while most film schools focus on applicants' writing ability over filmmaking experience (yay me!), UT is one of the only ones that heavily weighs GRE scores. While this is bad news for most people, my strong standardized test skills mean this could be key in getting me into this school

* Established network and connections - having only been in Austin 6 months, I've already established firm connections in both the nonprofit and film worlds in this city. And with my continuing campaign to convert everyone I know and love to Austinism, my own intended longevity here can only help that cause. And it gives me 3 more years to meet my cowboy.

So yeah, I'm more and more excited about the prospect of going to UT film, and I can't help but feel like I was led here by something bigger than myself. College Forward came along like an answer to a prayer, and rather than taking me away from either film or non-profit work, it's actually brought me to a place where those things seem to go together as well as peanut butter and jelly. How's that for a sign?

Not that I've completely ruled out Chapman. It has it's own benefits. Just as I was falling completely in love with UT, I read the chapter on Chapman and was reminded of what brought it to the top of my list in the first place. Alike so:

* Location, location, location - in my dear beloved California, with all the easy access to LA but none of the danger. A small town vibe on the edge of a big city and only 15 miles from the beautiful Pacific coast. And man oh man I do miss the ocean.

* The name - Chapman doesn't yet have the reputation of USC or NYU, but anybody who's anybody in LA knows that it's dancing on the verge. It's just waiting for the right student to come along and do something spectacular - pulling the school into the spotlight and themselves along with it.

* School funded films - while a 30k/year pricetag is a hefty bill to handle for tuition, the school's practice of funding all student films in nearly unheard of in the film school world. While I loathe the thought of taking out 90 grand in loans, it would be easier to get money for school tuition than to fund my personal films. And sicne all students get the same amount of money, I know Richie Rich and Darla Daddy's Girl aren't going to get ahead in the competition for best thesis just because they have a bigger trust fund.

* Scholarship potential - If I don't qualify for the TAship at UT, there may not be much in the way of scholarships given that it's a public school. But Chapman has a heck of an endowment and I even know a friend of a friend who got a full scholarship just by threatening to attend USC instead. Talk about your ace in the hole.

* Conservatory style - Both UT and Chapman embrace the idea of collaborative filmmaking, but Chapman actually structures it's whole program around it. It's conservatory style of learning, which means that you're fully immersed in the filmmaking process and learn all that goes into it by actually working in each different position. You come out of film school with guaranteed knowledge of the whole scope of filmmaking jobs. And what with the intensive schedule that starts off the program with a week of parties and meet-and-greets, along with a list of summer reading and movies to watch - this place is a veritable Hogwarts of moviemaking. And as far as I'm concerned, film is the next best thing to magic.

* Student-owned films - another wonderful trait pretty unique to Chapman is that - on top of funding all student films - they also let their students retain ownership over their work. This means that you're free to enter your films into festivals as you wish, and reap whatever financial and career benefits come from it.

Not bad, eh?

What this means is, if I can work my butt off building a portfolio and studying for the GRE and get myself into either one or both of these schools - I will pretty much be guaranteed a fantastic, life-changing, career making experience. This will happen.


I will make things like this:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BI_suOg7Awc


And this:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuN0Z65sp5c


And this:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSiQn_NALnE


Life will be grand. :D

Let the sunshine in.

Texas is in a drought. Did you know this? Probably not, because 99% of the people who read this blog live nowhere near Texas. Nevertheless it is true. What's strange is that, because it's all I've ever known of Texas all this drought has translated to for me is endless days of sunny 77 degree weather in the middle of February. And it's quite hard to think of that as a bad thing. I'm sure it will seem less pleasant in July, but we'll cross that dried up riverbed when we get to it, eh?

In other news, one of my best friends here is surprisingly thinking of re-upping their Americorps contract at CF for next year. This should not actually be as surprising to me because I knew it was on the table, but I chose to pretend like it wasn't. Why you ask? Why would this not be exciting, happy news for me? The answer is - as always - that I'm a selfish person. And I like to get my way. And I don't want to be the only one of my friends not working at CoFo next year because it makes it that much harder to believe that I'm making the right decision by leaving.

Truth is, I really don't know if it's the right decision. I love my kids and for all its frustrations, I love CF. But I love other things too. And the passions that CF has kindled in me or reignited or fueled don't lead me back to CF. They lead me forward. And sometimes, moving forward might be all you know of what the right decision is. Not where you're moving forward to or why or even how, just that it isn't where you are. And none of this is to say I'm leaving Austin because it would most likely take an act of God to pull me away from this place right now.

I don't know exactly what next year is going to look like for me. It's weird being fairly certain of what 2 years from now is going to look like, and not knowing what 6 months down the road has in store. But I know that next year is going to be a year of figuring things out. Taking action in a number of different directions and throwing all of that into the air and seeing how things fall into place.

I know that's not what my parents want to hear, but sometimes you have to figure life as you go. And you have to give yourself freedom to do that. I moved here - at least in large part - because I knew that further down the road I was going to have to make hard decisions. About my life and where I choose to take it. And I wanted to have the distance to make those decisions for myself and not anyone else. So here I am.

This is what I'd like to see next year look like:

I'd like to see myself subbing, and if that doesn't provide enough hours or money, maybe working somewhere else part time as well. The responsible thing - I suppose - would be to get a full time job in some office somewhere, but if the year before grad school isn't the time to do less responsible things, then I don't know when is.

I'd like to believe that while I'm subbing and working part-time, I will have the energy and the time to invest my heart and soul into other things. Things like finishing my novel (if I haven't by then) or starting a new one (if I have). Things like educating myself on film, and making some of my own so that I can know for sure that it's what I want before I invest 3 years of my life into film school. Things like networking with other filmmakers in the area, and other nonprofits in the area. Maybe even networking with some nonprofits that do film work as advocacy. Because more and more, that does seem to be the shape that at least part of my future is taking. And - I'm learning more and more - that such groups of people exist.

I'd like to travel, if I can find the money and the support. To visit some of the NPOs I'm already familiar with and take a camera with me and see what happens. I want to have conversations with people that are about action more than just ideas. See, there are different ways of being responsible I think. I could anchor myself in something or I could anchor myself in clear concrete goals. Either way, I'm leaving behind the world of daydreams and stepping into what's real. It's hard. I'm a dreamer and a procrastinator.

But procrastination, I believe, is always driven by some sort of fear. And whatever that fear is, all you need is enough passion and ambition and strategizing to overcome that fear. I know that much. And if I know that much then it's possible for me to do it. One page at a time.

I talked to this really cool lady the other day and she asked me what is the one thing I want most for my life. She didn't categorize it any other way. She didn't say - in the long run or in your personal life or anything else. And what I said was I want to do film and help the world. And she said okay. So you're going to do both. How cool. What will that look like in your life? How do you imagine your ideal life in 5 or 10 years if it involved those 2 things. And I couldn't answer her. I said, "I don't know. I can't get past the vague idea." And she said that I had to start letting myself picture it in real, solid ways. Not necessarily realistic, just tangible.

So I've been thinking about that ever since. And I haven't gotten that far because when it comes to my future I can be an annoyingly big-picture kind of girl. But if I narrow it down to one day placed somewhere further along the timeline of my life, I can kind of conceive of this picture of what I'd like to see.

I'm in my car, driving. And I'm on the phone. For the sake of safety, let's say that I have one of those fancy cars where my phone is hooked up to my car's audio system and I don't have to have my phone to my ear or my headset. I'm explaining to the person on the other end of the line (I don't know who - a friend perhaps) that I'm rushing to get to the shooting sight of my film and I'm running late. I don't know for sure if I'm the director on this film, but I think I am. What I do know is that it's my film, I'm in charge of it, and it's my project, and it's a creative, commercial venture (not docu) that I've just begun shooting. I think maybe it's something that had been in the works for a while, but hadn't been filmed yet.

The reason it hadn't been filmed yet - I'm explaining to the old friend on the phone - is because the previous fall I was travelling between the U.S. and Brazil, or maybe Guatemala, filming a documentary that connects the strands between children growing up in our country and children growing up in whichever of those countries I was traveling to. I was studying the startling similarities that exist between the impoverished children in our country and those in others. It was an exhausting project, and I wasn't entirely satisfied with it, but I felt that we had struck on something real and deep.

And now - at this moment in the future, I have shifted away from that work back to a fictional, self-indulging project and just a few days before this moment when I'm driving in my car and talking on the phone I had been struggling with the transition, but then that same afternoon I had watched a scene unfold on set and I had seen this new young actor I had discovered strike on something real too - something within himself. And that one scene had reminded me once again why I do this work.

I cut my phone conversation short when Meredith (Loftis) beeps in on the other line. She wants me to call another Lightshiner she's been in contact with that needs the help of my particular expertise. I get the lowdown on the case from Mere and promise to call the Lightshiner when I'm done shooting for the day - as long as it's okay if I call late. She says that's fine and we make plans to catch up that weekend.

As I'm hanging up wiht her, I'm pulling into the dirt lot on the film site. Stepping out of my car, I take in the smell of fresh grass and notice how very much it feels like coming home.

I don't know if I'm married, or dating, or single. I don't know if I have kids. And I don't know how far I am from my family. I can't see that part yet, but I know that I'm happy. Tired, emotionally stressed, and busy as hell. But happy. And proud.

It's not a bad picture, right?

I was going to write in here about some exciting film school related news, but this entry is hella long and I've got to get up horribly early in the morning. So I'll let it go for now, but look for that in the next day or so.

Oh yeah... I went to the bookstore today and ended up buying The Poisonwood Bible. I'm really stoked!

Awesome in Austin

Sorry for the crappy entry title, I usually pride myself on my quick wit. Nonetheless, things have shifted once again (more like righted themselves) so it seems necessary to update.

I talked to the boy crush. As promised in my previous entry, I followed through on my decision to tell said crush the truth about how I felt in hopes that - at most - he'd feel the same and - at least - I'd be able to preserve our friendship. Thank goodness for the least of these. I forced myself to talk to the boy in person - confrontation being something that I have somehow become absolutely terrified of in recent years - and I'm damn proud of myself for it. It was probably one of the most awkward conversations of my entire life, but it could have gone a whole lot worse.

And while that initial conversation didn't bring quite the relief or peace of mind I was hoping for, the email exchange that followed it (when we were both more in our element - writing - and had time to process it) certainly helped a lot in that department. Knowing that my feelings weren't reciprocated (not really a surprise in this case), I was able to spend the email focusing on the fact that I cared the most about preserving our friendship, and that I wanted to be open and honest so that we could move forward. And Tim had it in him to write me back and totally open up to me about what's going on in his life and in his head. I have to say that -even though it wasn't the point - it was nice to know that my putting myself out there was met by him in some way.

The better part, though, was realizing that Tim and I really are friends. We care about each other (if not in the exact same way) and it's just so wonderful to know that I'm establishing real, deep, meaningful relationships here. With people I genuinely care about and want to know. So the result of all that talking and truth telling and emailing was that I felt much better about the whole situation and really glad that I told him the truth.

And now, a week later, the happiness of knowing that we're real friends has worn off a little and I'm left with the knowledge that even though I'm glad we're friends, it doesn't change the way I feel about him. But I'm still glad that I told him, and I still feel good about where things are headed. If I can't have things the way I want them (and I can't, I keep reminding myself) this really isn't a bad alternative.

The other upside to all of this confessing is that with the exit of lies and hidden truths, my January funk seems to have taken its leave as well. People are still pretty frustrated at work - for various reasons that I don't necessarily agree with - and it takes its toll on me to be around unhappy people. But Amy and I are strategizing ways to make it better around here, and I'm actually more amped up and productive at work than I have been all year.

I think if people can just be reminded of why they came here in the first place, and that we really do matter to these kids - everyone will be okay. And man am I here for the kids. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes all I want to do is hang out with my posse at Amy's house and never have to go to class. But then I have days like last Thursday where I'm sitting in the computer lab with my 8 student late class and I'm rockin' out to Taylor Swift (don't hate) with one of my girls, and 3 of my basketball boys are in one corner of the room teasing each other and just playing around. And they're all just being such *kids* and they're so adorable and I realize I just love them. I do. Those are the days when I feel like I could do this forever. Those are the days when I feel like I'm never going to be able to choose between kids and film. What is it about being 16 that makes everything feel so much more real? I don't miss the drama or the angst, but I do miss that.

In other news... Tim, Amy, John, Lauren (Amy's roommate), and hopefully Rocky, and I are thinking of living together next year and we found this amazing house that has 6 bedrooms, a swimming pool, pond, greenhouse, and a huge front, back, and side yard with huge oak trees. The guy renting it out is really cool and a big fan of cooperative living so he's giving us a pretty good deal. We put in apps for it and we're all really hoping it works out. Man, the thought that I can actually live with these amazing people feels too good to be true. Are people's lives allowed to be that cool? And Amy and I are going to rescue a cat from death row next year and I am so stoked.

Also, Anna is moving to Austin. I am scared to say or type that with any degree of definitiveness. But it might happen. It will *probably* happen. And I am so so psyched about it. Austin is like this oasis of perfection where all your dreams come true. And I'm just anxious to share that miracle with someone else I love.

My parents are coming to visit. Yaaaaaaaaay! I am way more excited about this than I should be. I guess I just want them to see the life I've made for myself here because I'm pretty proud of it. It feels more and more like home every day. I think I'm realizing that the hard part of leaving home isn't settling into some place new - if you find the right place - it's holding on tightly enough to both. Old and new. Which makes me wary about deciding how long I'm going to come home for this summer. And where I want to be when I turn 23. These are the things I think about when I'm bored at work.

At the end of March I'm going to LA for a long weekend to look at film schools, meet the cast of Supernatural (not kidding), and hang out with my favorite person that I've only seen 5 times in my life - Robin's cousin Lauren. This will be the most fantastic trip of all time and I'm itching for it.

Um... I don't know what else. Oh! I do know what else. So the thing about these crushes I develop and then torture myself over, is that they take this huge toll on my self-esteem and make me question how much I matter to other people and how other people see me. And I know enough to know that people with self-esteem issues are annoying to other people, so I try to avoid it whenever possible. But the last few weeks have been a struggle, and having handled the whole crush issue I am back to feeling like the badass that I naturally am.

I've missed it. You know, not everyone in the world is going to like you or want to be your best friend. But I have a lot of people in this world that care about me and I care about them. I'm living a great life and I'm incredibly happy. And you know - I haven't found anyone yet to build a relationship with. But I will. I know I will be loved. And when that time comes I will so be ready for it.

But in the meantime, I'm just gonna keep rockin' out to life. Next stop... published author.

Here we go again

Hey friends.

Do you know how many times I have started writing a blog update and not published it? No - you don't. But the answer is a lot. A lot times.

The reasons I have not published are varied - but they mostly boil down to two things.

1) my life is boring and nothing ever changes

2) I've been rocking the emo-funk lately, and emo entries are sooo freshman year of college.

Here is a brief summary of the last 3 weeks of my life.

I developed a crush on one of my good guy friends/coworkers. This has affected every aspect of my life because I am a melodramatic person who allows things like silly crushes (that are not very silly really - or unimportant) to affect her whole life.

The result of my illicit crush has been my awkwardness towards said friend, as well as an increase in my awkward nature in general, and a general increase in my self-consciousness due to my increased awkwardness. And due to my overly-analytical nature I have become self-conscious about my self-consciousness. It's all quite ridiculous.

But I have decided (on the advice of friends) that the best thing for my mental health is to tell said crush the truth - and I will be doing so as soon as I get the courage to. Which might take awhile. But hopefully it will be soon and then I can go back to writing boring blog entries about things that don't make any of my parents uncomfortable and don't lead any of my best friends to make another mark on the long tally sheet of "Layton's crushes that increase her awkwardness level."

Here's hoping!

Lame.

This post is currently being re-written due to it's overdramatic content. Check back later!

First full day back in Austin - for some reason I'm lacking the brain power (read: ambition) to write a well thought out blog entry. Nevertheless - here goes something.

Work has been fairly mindless today. There are certainly things I could be doing today - indeed things I should be doing - but we start a week of training tomorrow and I think somehow they knew we would do nothing today. So I'm simply living up to expectations.

It's good to be back. It's not as good as I thought it would be, just as being at home didn't seem as intensely poignant as I thought it would be. They both just kind of seem like life. But when I almost didn't get on my flight yesterday, I was going to be potentially very upset.

Last night we kidnapped Amy and Tim came over and we played Dutch Blitz and Pass the Pigs and watched Independence Day. Today we played Dutch Blitz at work and browsed through funny personal ads on Craigslist. My boss met her very cool boyfriend on CL - does that mean it can occasionally work?

I'm not desperate for a relationship right now, but Ben Button did sort of get me in the mood for love. Brad and Cate are just looking at each other in these scenes throughout the whole movie with such intense and genuine love. Utter trust. I'm not sure I've ever trusted anyone that much. I just hope that someday - whenever it is - I'm sharing that kind of look with somebody. I imagine it must be lovely to trust someone that much - even if it is imperfect. Meanwhile - I'm bored - so a date would be nice. People I like are going on dates with other people.

Tonight I'm going over to Max's with John and Amy to watch the UT game. It should be lots of fun. And today Amy, John, Tim, Rocky, and I talked about living in this house next year: http://austin.craigslist.org/apa/979571649.html . Unreal.

I often feel like there must be a catch to this life hiding somewhere - waiting to trip me up. But I think actually, it's just that great. Perhaps that is why I try so hard to convince people to move here. If it has been this great for me - surely it would be good for others too. This place is like the most well known secret - a place where life is fun and makes sense.

This semester I am looking forward to visits from: Anna (moving?), Meredith (sister), Mom and Don, Anne (?), Meredith L. (?), Lila and who knows? So excited to show you all this wonderful life I've found.

What else? This Sunday I am determined to go back to church.

That's all for now.