Goodness

Hey. So just to prove my point about my newfound philosophy on not worrying - I found a subleaser! Yay!

Her name is Ashley and she is taking my room and a fairly large portion of my summer rent - thereby saving my life. Now there's a solution I just sort of stumbled into. And once again things work out!

On the other hand, my passport is MIA and I'm leaving the country in T-minus 2 weeks. Yipes! I'm trying very hard not to freak out about this in hopes that I will once again stumble into the solution.

That's the news dudes, more to come later!

Slowly grew into a hope

FACT: I am not as good at this whole blogging thing as I was 4 years ago.

But really, that's okay, because I don't really think it's a bad thing that I'm slightly less self-absorbed and introspective than I used to be. I'm a little over the 10 page angst-urbation I used to indulge in - I imagine most everyone else is too. Yay growing up!

Things have been good so far this summer. What's funny is that it feels more like summer than anything has in the past 5 or 6 years - which is weird because it's the first summer that is structured purely by chance rather than academic tradition.

I have been inexplicably happy as of late. Actually, inexplicably doesn't really apply here because I know why I'm happy, I just really like that word. I am loving being a free adult. I'm loving finally being independent. I've already talked about this a lot before so I'm not going to dwell too much on it - but things are really really good. Sometimes I'll just be driving around or walking down the street or standing in the elevator and I'll just be overcome by how very *good* things are. I think this is called contentment. Or joy. Or something equally cool.

I think part of it - as Robin so astutely pointed out last night - is that I haven't felt this unstressed in a very long time. And it's not even that I don't have anything to be stressed about - the future is looming and I should be a basketcase. Particularly since none of the empirical evidence I've been thus far presented with makes it at all likely that I'll have enough money saved up by this fall. This should be terrifying me, and I suppose it is in some far off dusty corner of my mind, but not that I'm aware of. I just can't get worked up about it. And it might be because I bumped my head a month ago and damaged the melodramatic part of my brain - but I think it's more likely because I just know by this point that things have a way of working out. I mean, I'm not going to *die*, and if I do I don't really think I'll care after I'm dead. So it's just kind of like - why make it worse by worrying about it. So I'm really enjoying this whole non-stress thing.

Meanwhile, some pretty cool things have been happening lately. Last Thursday I watched the Grey's finale with Anne and then we sat on my parents balcony and watched citylife happen and talked about how we're going to find husbands that want to buy lakehouses. I've been getting to spend a lot of time with Anne lately - and I'm really liking it. She has this special significance because she's like the oldest friend I have exclusively from college - and I feel like we have a very genuine and solid friendship. We don't always get to hang out a whole lot, but when we do it's always good. It's really nice to realize that I came out of college with some people that I really care about and want to know for the rest of my life.

Anywho, Friday night I stayed up at Lauren Cole's house in Snellville and we dyed my hair and bonded over Supernatch and watched Donnie Darko. AND I found out that Seth Rogen is IN DONNIE DARKO! That makes him about 500 times cooler. You know, working at Webb Gin certainly had it's low points, but I'm glad I got Lauren out of the deal. I'm so making her go with me to a Supernatural Con next year.

Saturday night I went up to Athens to retrieve somethings - except I failed at finding the one thing I really need right now so boo for that. But then I met up with Lila and we played Rock Band at her friend's house and there was a cute boy there. The night was pretty fun, and it was fun to see Lila - but I did realize I have a "type." Actually - given my recent infatuation with the newest American Idol - I'd say I have a couple of types. It's weird - I never really pegged myself for the "type" type. Hahaha

Speaking of stupid humor - check out this hilarious Pearls Before Swine cartoon: http://www.comics.com/comics/pearls/archive/pearls-20080525.html

Priceless!

Moving on, I actually amazed myself by making it home in time for church on Sunday, after which I chilled by the pool with Anne all afternoon and actually felt like I was having a holiday. Even though I was bummed I couldn't make it up to the lake, I ended up having a really good day. Anne and I bought new jeans and this time (knock on wood) I think they're actually a good pair. They're maintaining their fit *and* they look good with cowboy boots. After the jeans, Meredith surprised me by showing up in town and we went out to dinner at Los Rancheros (nostalgia!) and then stayed up late drinking wine and catching up and talking about past, present, and future on the condo balcony. I'm really going to miss that balcony.

Last night I got to see Robin and catch up with her, not to mention see her brother who has been in Israel for the past year. So that was awesome too. I've enjoyed having some time to myself these past few weeks, but I'm pretty glad everybody is coming back in town for a little while.

Today I got all my hair cut off! It's really short - shorter than I expected, but I'm getting used to it. I never thought I'd see the day when I was nervous about having short hair! But it was time. And then I got all these free clothes from my mom - which is great except the part where I was trying to get *rid* of clothes. And my mom let me wear her cowboy boots to see if they fit and I thought they were going to, but then I had to ditch them because they were giving me serious blisters. *Sigh* Too bad because I gotta say - I look good in cowboy boots!

Anyways, I have the whole day off tomorrow so I'm pretty psyched about that. I might get to see Indiana Jones AND Ironman.

So yeah, things are pretty good and getting better all the time. I might even have a subleaser finally (fingers crossed!)

I guess that's all for now, I have to quit sometime - but I'll end with this thing that I apparently wrote sometime in high school - forgot all about and then had an old friend send to me via Facebook to let me know she still thinks of me sometimes. It was pretty awesome, and now it's pretty apt.

"I think the greatest feeling in the world is when you realize you're happy. Like actually realizing it. It's knowing you aren't perfect. That you've got issues. That parts of your life are fucked up. And still being able to laugh til it hurts, and sing super loud, and roll down hills, and fly, and thank God for every second of your existence. It's still being able to dream even if they won't come true. Still being able to love even if you've been hurt. It's never being too old to wish on stars, or believe in fairy tales. it's refusing to give in to bitterness. And no matter what happens, if you can take a moment at the end of every day, and find one thing that makes you glad to be alive, then its worth it."

Eigentlich

I'm pretty upset with myself for not successfully maintaining my blog thus far. The good news is, I only know of one person offhand who actually reads it. Haha.

I am also upset that I have spent the better part of my day engaged in a ridiculous online argument on a stupid message board with pathetically mean-spirited people. I think people assume that because you're not talking to someone in person - the way you treat them doesn't matter. As a matter of fact it does. It does very much.

I am buying dark brown hair dye tomorrow - I am excited. Haircut on Tuesday. I am also getting 3 fillings tomorrow morning and then working for 8 hours right after - woo! My dad told me to get them to give me nitrous oxide at the dentist's office. It seems cheesy to put a "haha" after that because Nitrous Oxide is laughing gas. Too late.

I started a story a couple of days ago and I'm pretty proud that I've worked on it pretty much everyday - but it's a fanfic about Supernatural so it doesn't really count as anything approaching respectable. Oh well - it's writing, right?

Today I got this email from my Creative Writing professor with the things people said about everyone else in the class on it. I forgot to participate in this because my nephew was being born, but people still wrote about me. This is what they said:

Layton: Stylistically serene with her way of art imitating life
Layton: I know that you are the laptop girl and I think that’s awesome
Layton: fresh, spring
Layton: raw and talented, ready to take on the world, but not sure how. she'll get there.
Layton: Eigentlich
Layton: "runs downhill like a river to the sea"
Layton: If _______ was going to kill someone, he/she would.... Layton would kill someone with the utmost beauty. It would be quick and painless and there'd be no blood, no guts. And the victim would love it.


Isn't it weird how hearing what other people think of you (and/or your writing) can make you sad and happy at the same time - regardless of what they say. That one word "Eigentlich" means "actually" in German. I'm not quite sure what that's supposed to say about me - but I think it might be a good thing.

Anyway, I think I'm going to crash - I'm all teary about this stupid internet argument thing which is made even more absurd by the fact that I haven't been the least bit emotional about any of the *real* things going on in my life lately.

I feel very mediated right now. I don't really think that's the right phrase.

Some Kind of Wonderful

Life continues, things are more or less good.

The weather hasn't been so summery as of late but the mood sure has. After getting this blog off to a nice, characteristically long-winded start, I've decided to keep things a little more concise from now on.

So, here are some things I am thinking about:

* Have I mentioned lately how stoked I am about Austin? I am SO stoked. Feels like my kind of place!

* I just watched Becoming Jane about Jane Austen and it was - first of all - not very good at all. And second of all, it was horribly depressing. Basically the woman is picky and has high standards (namely that she won't marry without love) and so she ends up alone. How does one learn to be less picky and more open without lowering one's standards?

* I am a very materialistic person. This is really beginning to worry me. I've always thought I was a little better than most people - but I think I'm just materialistic about different things. Either way, I have to learn how to find enjoyment from something other than possessions or else next year is going to be a very long year. But then, I guess that's the whole point.

* I miss my nephew

* I am writing. Woo!

Basically, I am thinking interesting thoughts and now I am tired and should probably go to bed!

The World Enough and Time

I'm not perfect. Life is not all sunshine and roses and daffodils right now. It's not bad - there are wonderful exciting magnificent changes on the horizon. But it's not perfect - and that's why I'm back again writing another post an hour after my first one. Because once I'm opened that can of worms - well... I'm back again.

I'm not really that sad about college ending or my brother being old enough to have a kid - for all the reasons I mentioned in my last post. But I am sad about one thing. And I'm not crying about it really - or processing it really - because it's not constructive. It's not the kind of thing where processing it helps or where there's a solution. And it's not new. It's a sadness that I've been carrying with me since long before college and I think what I'm realizing is that I'm gonna take it with me forever.

I'm sad about my childhood ending. I am. I was never one of those kids who wanted to grow up. Really, I don't think I ever said the words "I can't wait til I'm older." I hated growing up. I dug my heels in and tried to stay as long as I could. Maybe that's why I seem young sometimes - I've been resisting for so long. It's funny that I'm so obsessed with coming-of-age novels and movies and stories when I've been trying so hard not to come of age. But I have. I've grown up.

I don't know that I'll miss college so much - but I still miss building forts and playing and pretending endlessly. I still miss when everything meant so much more and it seemed like time stood still. Most of all - I miss believing instead of knowing. Believing in a world of magic and adventure instead of knowing the world as it is.

I think part of it too is that I'm not just missing my childhood as it was. I'm sad about what it never was. God, it feels so goofy to talk about now - but when I was little I was so obsessed with all those fantasy adventures - Oz, Narnia, Middle-Earth - you name it. Somehow I was every hero in every one of those books. Somehow I bought into it all and actually thought that one day my life might become some kind of grand adventure in a secret world. I'd slay dragons and defeat evil kings and ride unicorns. I wanted so bad to be that kid with that life. And I actually believed it was possible.

See, I think most kids know pretty early on - at least on some level - that that's all just make-believe. And I think most kids are pretty much okay with that truth. But I didn't know - I didn't let myself know - for a long time. And however many years ago when the truth forced itself upon me - it was such a deep, heartbreaking disappointment - that even now it makes me sad.

I use to wish and hope and pray that one day I would stumble into a life where magic was real. It was really kind of ridiculous I guess - and maybe it's not so surprising that I was (and am) so incredibly socially awkward. But that's what my childhood was - believing. And it's gone - and I still miss that possibility.

I was watching Prince Caspian today and at the end Peter and Susan are saying how they won't get to come back to Narnia because they've nothing left to learn from it - and the point is - essentially - that they've grown up. They've come-of-age. And it's just hard to acknowledge that I'm at that point - that I've been at that point for years.

It's hard to live a life that your satisfied with when your unreasonably vivid imagination set your standards impossibly high.

So now I'm an average everyday adult - and how do I deal with that truth? I can't avoid it any longer. And I've been telling people I'm going to read Harry Potter to Hunter this summer to get him off to a good start - but I find myself wondering if I really want to send him down that road. Because if he believes like me - it'll be such a painfully rude awakening.

But you know, I think it's worth it. I think it's all I can do. Be a fantastic mother and aunt and tell amazing stories and encourage them to believe and cherish it for all it's worth. And try to see the magic in the world around me and to fight the epic battles that are right in front of me - not being fought with swords - but with love and hate. To live my life - as it is - as a great adventure and never take anything for granted. And maybe - to reach out - now while I can - and grasp a single tiny piece of the hope and faith before it's gone forever - and to stuff it deep down inside of me where it's safe and never let go of it. Maybe one day it will happen - better late than never. Maybe that's what heaven will be like for me. Who knows?


What it comes down to is - time passes. And I can't stop it. Everybody grows up, everybody gets old and everybody dies. And we don't know what comes before or after - and it scares me.

But it's good - knowing it's not all perfect right now- that's how I know this is real. And there's something to be said for real.

Back to Where We Started

I guess I'm not really surprised that the catalyst for finally writing the blog entry I've been planning for so long was the new Narnia movie. Those sorts of things always seem to get my mind turning. And it's not really a surprise either that seeing that movie changed what I was going to write in this blog.

In the last 2 weeks, I've finished college, gotten my first real job (sort of), and watched my nephew (the first grandchild) get born among other things. These are big deals, and throughout all of them I was uncharacteristically stoic. My dad even pointed it out to me as we were leaving Charleston after Hunter had been born, telling me that I'd been surprisingly unemotional about the whole thing. And that was surprising, because I do - as a general rule - tend to be an emotional person. But I kept telling myself then that I simply didn't have time to be emotional right then, and that I would process everything once my life slowed down. From my abstract, distant perspective I reasoned that eventually I would cry about all of these things.

The end of college for obvious reasons - missing friends, missing the academic stimulus, saying goodbye to a way of life. Hunter's birth for less obvious reasons. Seeing my newborn nephew changed me and certainly thrilled me, but at some point I expected that it would make me sad to realize that my brother was old enough to have a family of his own - to be forced to recognize the endless march of time.

But then Hunter was born, and finals were over, and graduation happened and I came home to my parents condo. And I basically chilled out for a week. But I never found my way into the emotional process that I assumed had been waiting in the wings. Worried I was simply in denial, I forced myself to confront that state of my life right now.

And finally it occurred to me that - for better or worse - I just wasn't sad. Not about college and not about Hunter. Or I guess I am sad - about all the things I thought I'd be sad about. But I'm not distraught, I'm not wrecked, and I'm not in dire need of emotional processing. These negative feelings were certainly not the dominant ones.

With Hunter, sure it's big - huge really - to realize that I'm old enough to be an aunt. My parents are old enough to be grandparents, etc. The biggest thing was thinking about how I haven't lost any grandparents during my lifetime, and all of my great grandparents were either dead when I was born, or would die soon after. It was hard realizing that my grandparents are now at that point. But truthfully, Hunter is an incredible miracle. And I can't get myself to forget that fact. And in light of it, all these worries and sad truths sort of fade in intensity.

He's beautiful, this baby. And amazing for so many different reasons - not the least of which is the change his birth has wrought in me. I didn't know that I could love someone so deeply that I'd known such a short time. I didn't know how unbelievable it would be to see a human life begin. I didn't know I'd have these feelings or these instincts or this love. And now that I've been made aware of all these wonderful realities - I can't bring myself to wish for a time when I wasn't aware? When he wasn't here. How could I pine for a world without the hope of this new life in it? A new life to which I am inextricably tied.

And college. Honestly, how surprised should I really be that I'm not that sad about it ending? I mean sure I have awesome memories from these past four years, and Athens rocks, and I had these wonderful roommates and the PSC and some friends I'll probably have for the rest of my life. But college as a whole - as a phase of life - I mean it's never really been my cup of tea. I spent the first half of it missing high school and the second half dreaming about the future. It'd be ridiculous if I realized now that I actually loved every minute of it and wish I could go back.

I don't wish for that. College had its up and its downs but it always felt like the wrong place for me, and the fact that I'm not sad now - that I'm actually breathing easier, feeling freer - to me it's all proof that college wasn't the best four years of my life. I think these next four years are going to put college to shame - I really do. I think they'll be hard and lonely - at times - but there is just so much possibility. I've left the world of thinking and planning - and entered the world of doing and I truly love it. I love being free. I love having the world at my fingertips and being at the point I've spent so much of my life dreaming about. It feels good - especially knowing that it's happening in a way I really feel good about.

I'm feeling more confident, more defined, more empowered. I've spent so much of the past few years afraid of having an opinion or a voice - and suddenly that fear seems so insignificant. I want to speak and express and define. I want to do.

And I'm so excited about what's coming. About leaving. I know it will be hard - I know I'll struggle. I know that there will be days when I will wish to be back in the world I've known for so long. But I also know - I *know* - that going away is right. And I'm thinking about the person I was able to be in Asheville and in England. Unencumbered by my past and my weaknesses and the preconceived notions of me held by myself and all the people that know and love me. That glimpse of myself that I got while I was away in those places - it was brilliant and promising and I can't wait for the chance to find that person again. And maybe with time and work and experience, I can be that person all the time. At home and away. I'll just finally be the person that I've been waiting so long to become.

How can I be sad about the end of an era when I walk into the glow of one just begun - an era more promising and heavy with possibility than any I've yet encountered?

This is my time - and I am so thrilled to be here.

Okay - there was all this stuff I was going to say in response to Narnia - but now this entry is super long and I'm tired - so I'm going to go take a bath and watch Grey's and go to bed. And I will focus on that element tomorrow. Woo!