Man oh man, I really think that sitting in a wicked cool coffee shop for 3 endless afternoons absorbed into a good book - with no real obligations, social or otherwise - has got to be one of my favorite ways to spend a weekend. I may have been embracing my inner social butterfly this year, but I can definitely feel that inclination winding down. I've gotten to where nothing seems more appealing than spending an afternoon alone reading or writing or both. I suppose it's perhaps it's become such a rare commodity in my life - I haven't got a prayer of being alone in my 2 bedroom apartment with 4 roommates, and it seems like there's always someone wanting to do something. Not to say that I don't appreciate being so constantly surrounded by people I enjoy - just that I've been blessed with more than my share this year.
I've spent a lot of time this weekend watching people walk through this coffee shop, and thinking about Austin and it's identity. It really is quite a cool city, made up almost entirely of young people walking their own paths and looking to have a good time. I feel like nearly everyone here is quirky in their own way. And so much of this city in terms of it's size, opportunities, and population seems so geared towards the things that I want and need. I don't think I could have asked for a better place to spend my first year of post-college adulthood.
But as this year is winding down - with only 4 weeks left at my job - I'm thinking more and more about the future, and there's a part of me that's growing increasingly restless. Austin will always feel like home to me, I think - and I'll always think of it fondly, but part of me is just so ready to be a part of something bigger. To live in a city that's too big to feel like it's mine. I've been reading so much about film schools the last few weeks, and I'm even starting applications this week - it's hard not to be excited about the promise of the future.
Still, I keep reminding myself that I like this little city, and that I have plenty yet to learn from it. Afterall, I have a whole other year here - and if I feel I've grown so much in just one year, what will another bring?
We're officially signing the lease on our house for next year this week. I think that'll be good for me - to have something to bring this coming year more to the forefront of my mind. And certainly the thought of living in a house with Amy, Lauren, John, TIm and C-Wid (all of us under one roof?!) is enough to think about it. Amy and I decided yesterday to turn our second living room into a mini, in-house coffeehouse - with comfy broken down chairs and endtables and a selection of gourmet teas. Maybe then I won't have to spend every day of next year at Epoch - not that that would be the end of the world.
I think maybe the reason I haven't been thinking of next year much is because so much of it is as yet undetermined. I don't know what job I'll have, or how I'll spend my days. It's scary I guess, my life has never been so undetermined. But I can't help but feel that it's good for me. We have to learn how to live and love our lives even when we're not in control. I think it's so much more exciting that way - letting life lead you, instead of the other way around. And besides, even when we're working our hardest to stay in control of everything - we're not really in control at all. There are too many things happening all around us without waiting for our signal or permission. If we go through life thinking we're in charge, we're that much more likely to be lost when we realize we aren't.
As much as I think I've grown and matured in this past year, in some ways I think I cheated by going with a structured program like AmeriCorps. This coming year will be an adventure unlike anything I've encountered before. At last, a life that's undetermined. And as much as I'm not ready, I am.
Btw - I hear it's raining hardcore in Atlanta, and everyone is bummed out. It's funny, because I've been wishing for a good solid few days of rain out here. It never rains here, and when it does - it's never like the storms back home. I never thought I'd miss the rain so much, but here I am. Perhaps I would have done alright in Scotland afterall.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
A note on heroes
This is an awkward time to write this. It's Mother's Day and I'm writing about heroes and let's be honest - of course my mom is my hero (do you know the woman?!) - but that's not what I'm here to write about. I just got back from seeing Star Trek for the second time... and my reaction to that movie (obviously positive) and specifically the character of James Kirk has prompted me to say something about the characters that I have chosen as my role models in life.
It's funny to me that growing up - I always chose to idolize those characters in media and popular culture that made so much effort to rebel against and reject authority. Zack Morris (Saved by the Bell)... Shawn Hunter (of Boy Meets World)... Will Hunting... James T. Kirk (a la the newly revamped Star Trek). I have ALWAYS - without fail - aligned myself with those characters who placed themselves outside the status quo. Who refused to submit, and who were - generally speaking - cheeky bastards. What's funny is that while I have often been that person (a fair number of my teachers would testify to my disregard for authority) I have often also not been that person. I have often been the one so desperate for approval that I would sooner sell my soul than cross someone.
But that of course - testifies to the fact that I am not alone. It is not just me that idolized these characters... this particular archetype. Of course I'm not... after all, they were the stars of shows, weren't they? At least for my generation - and I would wager a millenia of generations preceding mine - a large number of people have idolized the rebel. Look how we elevate the cowboy! The pirate even, in modern pop culture. There is a piece in all of us - or at least most of us - I think - that wishes to be the rebel. To be that person that is so self-assured that they would flagrantly reject the wisdom of all those who have gone before them. And I don't know why - why that resonates within so many of us.
But I do know this. We all idolize those characters as children... but we all grow up to be different people. Some people put aside so idolizations and grow up to be happily rule abiding citizens. Some grow up to be so in line with rebel ideals that they fade out and fade away without leaving their mark.
And me? I'm 22 years old, and in my heart of hearts I still live by the code of the rebel everyday. So little of my life reflects that. My presence in Austin - so far from my home and what was expected of me - is one of the few exceptions. So is my staunch refusal to sell out and get a corporate, mindless, and secure job (not that anything is secure these days). And so... SO is my continuing commitment to pursue this whole film thing in whatever way it decides to manifest itself.
And that's the core of it. You see, I know that in order to do what I *want* to do in film... Zach Morris, and Shawn Hunter, and freaking James T. Kirk are exactly who I should be idolizing. The rebel cowboys that won't take no for an answer... they are the ones who make it in the world that I want to - MUST BE - a part of. And here's the thing... the thing that I am hesitant to say but must admit. Whether you see it or not... whether you're willing to believe it or not - I really think that if you stripped away everything unauthentic in myself... the rebel with a cause is exactly who I would be. I have these guilt issues and this perfectionism and this need to please. But these are environmentally inflicted things. They're unorganic. When I stop trying to be the way that I think I am supposed to be or that people want me to be... then I am that ballsy person.
And that is so essential. I'm tired of apologizing for who I am or what I believe about myself. So here's the truth - unforgivable as it may be: I think I have it within me to succeed at what I dream about it. I believe that I could take Hollywood and work it to my desire. I believe that I could be and WILL BE one of the big names. I believe that I'm talented beyond the norm. Well beyond the norm. And all I want is to remember to stop apologizing. To be who I am and be proud of it. Because once I've proven myself... then people may still be annoyed with me... but they won't be able to deny that I am good. I am damn good. And I will be great.
Watch for it.
All I have to do is stop apologizing... and start showing this cynical jaded and completely oblivious world just how much I am capable of.
One last note about these "heroes" of mine. It's important to recognize that they're not just mindless rebels... rejecting authority and breaking the rules for no good reason. Every single person like that that I have admired... the bottom line is they care. They care about the world and people and doing the right thing. In the end, they are not just unsubstantiated jerk burnouts... they are people who care... and people who know the only way to change anything in this world is to forget the fucking rules. To leave it all behind and just do what feels right.
I will be great. I will change things. And I won't apologize for it.
It's funny to me that growing up - I always chose to idolize those characters in media and popular culture that made so much effort to rebel against and reject authority. Zack Morris (Saved by the Bell)... Shawn Hunter (of Boy Meets World)... Will Hunting... James T. Kirk (a la the newly revamped Star Trek). I have ALWAYS - without fail - aligned myself with those characters who placed themselves outside the status quo. Who refused to submit, and who were - generally speaking - cheeky bastards. What's funny is that while I have often been that person (a fair number of my teachers would testify to my disregard for authority) I have often also not been that person. I have often been the one so desperate for approval that I would sooner sell my soul than cross someone.
But that of course - testifies to the fact that I am not alone. It is not just me that idolized these characters... this particular archetype. Of course I'm not... after all, they were the stars of shows, weren't they? At least for my generation - and I would wager a millenia of generations preceding mine - a large number of people have idolized the rebel. Look how we elevate the cowboy! The pirate even, in modern pop culture. There is a piece in all of us - or at least most of us - I think - that wishes to be the rebel. To be that person that is so self-assured that they would flagrantly reject the wisdom of all those who have gone before them. And I don't know why - why that resonates within so many of us.
But I do know this. We all idolize those characters as children... but we all grow up to be different people. Some people put aside so idolizations and grow up to be happily rule abiding citizens. Some grow up to be so in line with rebel ideals that they fade out and fade away without leaving their mark.
And me? I'm 22 years old, and in my heart of hearts I still live by the code of the rebel everyday. So little of my life reflects that. My presence in Austin - so far from my home and what was expected of me - is one of the few exceptions. So is my staunch refusal to sell out and get a corporate, mindless, and secure job (not that anything is secure these days). And so... SO is my continuing commitment to pursue this whole film thing in whatever way it decides to manifest itself.
And that's the core of it. You see, I know that in order to do what I *want* to do in film... Zach Morris, and Shawn Hunter, and freaking James T. Kirk are exactly who I should be idolizing. The rebel cowboys that won't take no for an answer... they are the ones who make it in the world that I want to - MUST BE - a part of. And here's the thing... the thing that I am hesitant to say but must admit. Whether you see it or not... whether you're willing to believe it or not - I really think that if you stripped away everything unauthentic in myself... the rebel with a cause is exactly who I would be. I have these guilt issues and this perfectionism and this need to please. But these are environmentally inflicted things. They're unorganic. When I stop trying to be the way that I think I am supposed to be or that people want me to be... then I am that ballsy person.
And that is so essential. I'm tired of apologizing for who I am or what I believe about myself. So here's the truth - unforgivable as it may be: I think I have it within me to succeed at what I dream about it. I believe that I could take Hollywood and work it to my desire. I believe that I could be and WILL BE one of the big names. I believe that I'm talented beyond the norm. Well beyond the norm. And all I want is to remember to stop apologizing. To be who I am and be proud of it. Because once I've proven myself... then people may still be annoyed with me... but they won't be able to deny that I am good. I am damn good. And I will be great.
Watch for it.
All I have to do is stop apologizing... and start showing this cynical jaded and completely oblivious world just how much I am capable of.
One last note about these "heroes" of mine. It's important to recognize that they're not just mindless rebels... rejecting authority and breaking the rules for no good reason. Every single person like that that I have admired... the bottom line is they care. They care about the world and people and doing the right thing. In the end, they are not just unsubstantiated jerk burnouts... they are people who care... and people who know the only way to change anything in this world is to forget the fucking rules. To leave it all behind and just do what feels right.
I will be great. I will change things. And I won't apologize for it.
Monday, May 4, 2009
At last...
Ok, I'm so sorry that I'm so terrible at updating my blog. On the plus side though, I think my parental units are the only people that ever read it. So that's good.
Anywho, I'm here and I'm ready to update. What's new...
It's been a crazy month or so - I feel like I've been running around all over the place - but in the best way possible. I went to LA and met 70% of my Supernatural heroes, and then I went to Charleston and saw a lot of my family (one more person and it would have been perfect) and I might be going to watch the Mens College Volleyball national championship this weekend. I love traveling. I really do. Whatever else happens in my life I'm going to find a way to travel a lot.
I only have about a month and a half left at this job and I've been vascillating between sadness over leaving what's been one of the best experiences of my life, and excitement over what's coming in the future and moving on to the next phase. When CF ends, I will stay in Austin for about a week and do nothing, and then I will drive home to Atlanta. And then I will go to NYC and see Brian and Mark and Margaret, and then I will take a train to DC and see Robin and Jerry WHO ARE GETTING MARRIED OH MY GOSH! (but not that weekend) and then I will come home again and turn 23 and be in Atlanta, and then I will go to Charleston and see Josh and Laura and Huntman and Meredith and THE OCEAN!!! And then I will drive back to Texas and move into the party house and begin my life as the cool, hot substitute and apply to film school and write screenplays and generally embrace my art. So you see... as much as I love CF - I have good reason to be excited. Because life is happening and it's happening to me and it's happening in all the ways I've dreamed about.
This past weekend was really great. Friday night I hung out with Amy and we walked to HEB and I showed her my favorite house in Austin and then we talked about going to the bookstore for about 4 hours and then we actually went and didn't buy anything. And then Saturday I worked at this community service project down in Kyle and I planted a tree and it was really hard! Apparently, they have clay in places other than Georgia. And only one of my kids came to the project, but it just happened to be this girl who I love and who told me that I was one of the 3 inspiring/meaningful adults in her life. Aw. I love these kids - how could I ever have doubted that? Not that I really did - but for awhile I doubted if that was enough but it is, it is, it is.
And then Saturday afternoon I went to a party and watched the Kentucky derby and then we went to watch game 7 between the Celtics and the Bulls at this place called the Tavern - and we witnessed this crazy barfight. And then I went to Nomad with Amy and Anna and Palski and we watched people sing Karaoke to indie songs.
And then Sunday I went to see Wolverine and Hugh Jackman is beautiful. And then I watched our CF team absolutely obliterate the Coalition of the Willing in the flag football championship (all of the other teams we had beat combined their best players to try and beat us and we won 60-18). And then I went swimming at C-wid's pool and there's a hottub and it was awesome. And then John and I bought steaks with government money and grilled out and drank red wine with Amy and Lauren and Tim and it was lovely.
It is so summer and I love it! I can't believe my life has been so great for so much of this year... I hope I can keep it going.
The big thing that's been going through my mind in recent weeks is the decision whether to pursue Screenwriting or Directing in grad school. When I first decided that I wanted to go to film school, I pretty much ruled out screenwriting right away because I figured that I already know how to write, but I have no idea how to make a film. So I've been pursuing the directing line of thinking for the past 8 months or so. But then I went back to LA and it rekindled my desire to go to school out there right in the midst of things. And being that USC is the only school I was looking at in the city proper, and given that it's essentially the Harvard of film schools - I concluded that I might have a better chance of getting accepted as a screenwriting student (given my background).
Well I wrote to a couple of my friends in the film world and asked their advice - and surprisingly (and overwhelmingly) the advice was that I should be applying to school for screenwriting regardless of where I go. This was a huge deal because first of all, going to school for screenwriting would be a COMPLETELY different kind of education. It would only be 2 years, and I wouldn't really make many films or maybe any. But I would get to take at least one course in directing, and I would save money by not having to produce films or go to school for 3 years. And afterwards, I'd be qualified to teach screenwriting in colleges. It was very much a trade-off because both production and screenwriting offer things that I very much want - and it seemed impossible to choose between them.
But after stressing about it for several weeks and soliciting several more people's advice - I've made the decision to pursue screenwriting - at least in school. So while I'll still probably apply to UT for directing (because their SW program doesn't have anything I want), I'll be applying everywhere else for SW. At least that's where things stand right now.
The thing is... I'm a writer. I always have been and I always will be. And whatever else I want to do, it just makes sense to start from what I know. Besides, I want to do so much in film, but I feel like in order to be successful I need to choose what I want most and focus on that... and let the rest follow. And I know that if I could only do one thing, I'd choose to be head writer/creator/showrunner on a show like Lost or Grey's Anatomy or Supernatural. So that's what I'll work towards and then we'll see what happens.
And get this, when I was first looking at film schools - I arbitrarily entertained the notion that I might be meant to go to school at UCLA because they had a professor named Lew Hunter... and those are my initials and my nephew's name so - you know - destiny and all that. But then their directing program was a million years long and didn't really have what I wanted so I nixed it. But then! As it turns out, it's screenwriting program has pretty much exactly (and I do mean exactly) what I want. And Lew Hunter happens to be the head of that particular department. So how about that?
Anyways, that's life. More updates to come a lot faster than this one did.
Anywho, I'm here and I'm ready to update. What's new...
It's been a crazy month or so - I feel like I've been running around all over the place - but in the best way possible. I went to LA and met 70% of my Supernatural heroes, and then I went to Charleston and saw a lot of my family (one more person and it would have been perfect) and I might be going to watch the Mens College Volleyball national championship this weekend. I love traveling. I really do. Whatever else happens in my life I'm going to find a way to travel a lot.
I only have about a month and a half left at this job and I've been vascillating between sadness over leaving what's been one of the best experiences of my life, and excitement over what's coming in the future and moving on to the next phase. When CF ends, I will stay in Austin for about a week and do nothing, and then I will drive home to Atlanta. And then I will go to NYC and see Brian and Mark and Margaret, and then I will take a train to DC and see Robin and Jerry WHO ARE GETTING MARRIED OH MY GOSH! (but not that weekend) and then I will come home again and turn 23 and be in Atlanta, and then I will go to Charleston and see Josh and Laura and Huntman and Meredith and THE OCEAN!!! And then I will drive back to Texas and move into the party house and begin my life as the cool, hot substitute and apply to film school and write screenplays and generally embrace my art. So you see... as much as I love CF - I have good reason to be excited. Because life is happening and it's happening to me and it's happening in all the ways I've dreamed about.
This past weekend was really great. Friday night I hung out with Amy and we walked to HEB and I showed her my favorite house in Austin and then we talked about going to the bookstore for about 4 hours and then we actually went and didn't buy anything. And then Saturday I worked at this community service project down in Kyle and I planted a tree and it was really hard! Apparently, they have clay in places other than Georgia. And only one of my kids came to the project, but it just happened to be this girl who I love and who told me that I was one of the 3 inspiring/meaningful adults in her life. Aw. I love these kids - how could I ever have doubted that? Not that I really did - but for awhile I doubted if that was enough but it is, it is, it is.
And then Saturday afternoon I went to a party and watched the Kentucky derby and then we went to watch game 7 between the Celtics and the Bulls at this place called the Tavern - and we witnessed this crazy barfight. And then I went to Nomad with Amy and Anna and Palski and we watched people sing Karaoke to indie songs.
And then Sunday I went to see Wolverine and Hugh Jackman is beautiful. And then I watched our CF team absolutely obliterate the Coalition of the Willing in the flag football championship (all of the other teams we had beat combined their best players to try and beat us and we won 60-18). And then I went swimming at C-wid's pool and there's a hottub and it was awesome. And then John and I bought steaks with government money and grilled out and drank red wine with Amy and Lauren and Tim and it was lovely.
It is so summer and I love it! I can't believe my life has been so great for so much of this year... I hope I can keep it going.
The big thing that's been going through my mind in recent weeks is the decision whether to pursue Screenwriting or Directing in grad school. When I first decided that I wanted to go to film school, I pretty much ruled out screenwriting right away because I figured that I already know how to write, but I have no idea how to make a film. So I've been pursuing the directing line of thinking for the past 8 months or so. But then I went back to LA and it rekindled my desire to go to school out there right in the midst of things. And being that USC is the only school I was looking at in the city proper, and given that it's essentially the Harvard of film schools - I concluded that I might have a better chance of getting accepted as a screenwriting student (given my background).
Well I wrote to a couple of my friends in the film world and asked their advice - and surprisingly (and overwhelmingly) the advice was that I should be applying to school for screenwriting regardless of where I go. This was a huge deal because first of all, going to school for screenwriting would be a COMPLETELY different kind of education. It would only be 2 years, and I wouldn't really make many films or maybe any. But I would get to take at least one course in directing, and I would save money by not having to produce films or go to school for 3 years. And afterwards, I'd be qualified to teach screenwriting in colleges. It was very much a trade-off because both production and screenwriting offer things that I very much want - and it seemed impossible to choose between them.
But after stressing about it for several weeks and soliciting several more people's advice - I've made the decision to pursue screenwriting - at least in school. So while I'll still probably apply to UT for directing (because their SW program doesn't have anything I want), I'll be applying everywhere else for SW. At least that's where things stand right now.
The thing is... I'm a writer. I always have been and I always will be. And whatever else I want to do, it just makes sense to start from what I know. Besides, I want to do so much in film, but I feel like in order to be successful I need to choose what I want most and focus on that... and let the rest follow. And I know that if I could only do one thing, I'd choose to be head writer/creator/showrunner on a show like Lost or Grey's Anatomy or Supernatural. So that's what I'll work towards and then we'll see what happens.
And get this, when I was first looking at film schools - I arbitrarily entertained the notion that I might be meant to go to school at UCLA because they had a professor named Lew Hunter... and those are my initials and my nephew's name so - you know - destiny and all that. But then their directing program was a million years long and didn't really have what I wanted so I nixed it. But then! As it turns out, it's screenwriting program has pretty much exactly (and I do mean exactly) what I want. And Lew Hunter happens to be the head of that particular department. So how about that?
Anyways, that's life. More updates to come a lot faster than this one did.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Crap
OH EM GEE! It just occurred to me that it has been a billion years since I updated in here. Count on a new blog entry TONIGHT!
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