Into It.

Hey Beautiful People,

As you might have surmised by my lack of updating (or perhaps you heard me complaining endlessly) we still do not have internet at our apartment. It's a very long, annoying story and whenever I think about it my face turns bright read and my eyes get kind of crazy. So I'll refrain from recounting it for you. But for now, the next intended date of internet access appears to be this coming Wednesday - so we'll see what happens.

As for what else is going on in my life: I've just finished my second week at College Forward and I pretty much love it. This week started out as Onsite Training - which was basically the most redundant thing ever because it was pretty much exactly the same as our formal training last week - only in the office. We did get to meet a new addition to our coach team - a girl named Stephanie who was just hired last week, but jumped right in and seems pretty cool. After the first couple of days of the week I think they realized we were bored, so they switched things up a little.

On Tuesday we finally got our Food Stamps forms and we quickly figured out just how hard it's going to be to get our hands on these coveted little cards. It's a royal pain and the system works against you, but it's definitely worth fighting for because everything here is a bit more expensive than I'd expected. Even food costs more! (Thus the beauty of our lovely little Food Stamps) A girl in the office told us that her and her roommates electricity bill for last month was $300 for a 2 bedroom apt. That's crazy!! We've basically decided to never have the AC on if we can help it. We all know we can make it work, it's just a challenge. I do love a challenge.

Actually, when all the food stamp stuff was going on on Tuesday, along with some other stressful work-related things I was really spazzing out a little about how uncertain everything is right now. But then I suddenly remembered why it became so important to me to strike out on my own after college - why I got myself into this situation in the first place. I've always liked to believe that I'm a spontaneous, adventurous, risk-taking top. But I'm not - at all. I like to know what to expect at all times, I stick with what's comfortable. And I don't take unknown risks. But I want to. Because there are things I want in my life that I can get to by playing it safe. I think if I can learn to be free like that - to take life as it comes - I'll really be a much more satisfied person. Maybe not, but I guess that's what I'm here to find out. It's just funny because I remember thinking about this time 3 months ago and knowing that I'd be freaking out about all the uncertainty - and now here I am doing the freaking out. It really helps to remind myself what it's all for. I'm doing the things I was always afraid to do - it's a growth process - I think a little spazzing out is warranted. Anywho - after I had this whole realization, things have really been pretty great.

Wednesday we finally got our hands on the curriculum - the senior class one at least - which made us all feel heaps better. And Wednesday afternoon we claimed our desks and actually started doing our jobs. Planning classes, calling students, doing research. It feels so great to finally be doing things. It actually freaks me out a little how much I'm enjoying working at desk from 9 to 6 everyday. I hate think I might actually be cut out for this whole office job thing - it's got to be the work I'm doing.

On Thursday, my school team and I all rode out and finally got to see our school. Renato showed us around and one of the CF kids saw us in our t-shirts a yelled out to us. Between him and the kids I've talked to on the phone - I'm getting really excited about the classes - mostly because they're excited. They're excited about us - HOW COOL IS THAT?!

On Friday I brought my Brazilian hammock into work because the one they had had fallen apart. So now I'm the cool kid in the office (as if I wasn't already :-P). I also got to have lunch with the founder and executive director of College Forward which was really cool. She's quite a character - a real fireball. But talking to her really helped me understand her mentality and how she got to where she is. She basically said that you have to do the things you want to do when you want to do them - before you have time to overthink and talk yourself out of it. Clearly that's a problem for me - but I'm excited to work on it. It was just cool talking to her because she's really made something happen for herself. And she didn't know anything about nonprofit management or education before she started CF. In fact, she still claims to not really care about those things - she just cares about the kids. She said her greatest tool was and is her passion - that when you're passionate about something other people want to help you because they want to get in on that passion. It might be harder to believe if I didn't see the product of her passion right before my eyes. I'm a believer, and whereever my passion leads me - I think it will be a great place.

So it was a really good week at work, and next week will be even better with the start of classes.

As for outside of work, my roommates and I spent almost every night this week watching episodes of Supernatural on DVD. The crazy thing is - it wasn't even my idea. I showed them the pilot last weekend, and then they all just wanted to watch more. They're hooked. And John and Jess have been talking about it work and so a couple of our other friends have come over to watch it too. It's kind of weirding me out actually - I'm not used to having that. But I'd say it's definitely a good thing. And Kevin, Jess and I started watching the 4400 on DVD yesterday and now we're hooked on that too.

Last night we went out on 6th street with a whole big group including me, Jess, John, Kevin, Jessica Chan, Amy and her roommates, Tim, Chris and his roommates, and this new coach Rocky (hired on Friday) and his roommate Aaron. We actually started a dance party at this one bar - it was so much fun! It's great having so many new people to hang out with and get to know - I love it.

Tonight we're going to this party that Joe's throwing at his house which will hopefully be really fun. And next weekend I have an appointment at Iris Salon to get my haircut. I think I'm going to dye it again too. It just feels right in this new place as I'm becoming new. You guys all know how I am about my hair. So we'll see what happens with that.

I'm having a little trouble with my car which I was really freaking about at first - but I'm still under warranty which is actually making it pretty easy - which is awesome.

Things are settling. I can feel myself growing roots here. It's only been 2 weeks, but in some sense - it's already home.

I feel so blessed.

*paz*

T. Lew

ps. I hope you guys know that I miss you all like crazy and I wish I could see your beautiful warm faces every day. But we've all got to spread our wings sometime right? I love y'all.

Check out this poem:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummings

Just a quickie

Hey, I don't have much time so I'll make this quick. Basically, we're still not going to have internet in our apartment for another week, so I'm stuck hitting up the coffee shop for free wi-fi every day or so. This means limited blog updates, but you guys are probably okay with that.

I'll try to type up an entry tonight away from the internet and then post it tomorrow. Then I can talk about my weekend, and this second week of training at CF and our crazy scavenger hunt adventures! Woohoo!

On the short list:

Hung out with Tim, Amy and John (fellow coaches) on Saturday night on 6th Street (sweet!)
Had a Supernatural marathon with the roomies last night - they actually like it!
Finally met the founder and executive director of CF today - she's pretty much awesome!
I think I'm getting my haircut again in 2 weeks and it will look something like this:Yay!

More tomorrow!

<3

The End of the Beginning

My first week of training is over - woo. (;-P) It's been an incredibly exhausting week, but I'm actually pretty grateful for how intense it's been. For one thing, it's really created an environment in which we could all sort of bond together in a short period of time. And it's also given us some sort of idea just how intense things can (and probably will) get this year.

We've spent a fair amount of time in the last few days doing various kinds of self -assessment, including the meyers-briggs (E/INFP), a leadership style catalog, and a conflict approach survey - and what's amazing to me (if not entirely surprising) how much we all have in common. Of course we all have our differences - I was the only person who tested as a "bargainer" in terms of conflict approach, but a huge number of us tested really high for collaboration skills. And in leadership styles, the vast majority of us scored really high as relators (people who feel a need to establish connections with others) and stimulators (people who get others motivated). It's funny to me when the staff are surprised by the similarities though - particularly in how action oriented we all are. I mean we are all here aren't we? Coach Potatoes don't really *do* AmeriCorps.

Joe did a presentation yesterday on CF's plan for expansion, and apparently they're intending to open up in another Texas city next year. The good news for me is that that means new jobs both in Austin and elsewhere within CF. It was really cool to hear about, and afterwards I had the chance to talk to Emily (Associate Director/VIP) and told her that I was very interested in learning about all the other aspects of CF and that I was potentially interested in staying on (just expressing vague interest, so don't anyone freak out) and she asked if I'd move to San Antonio. Haha, I told her I'd think about it - but I'm not sure. Austin really feels like my place. Who knows. Yet another thing it is WAY too early to be worried about.

ANYWAYS - THE IMPORTANT STUFF! Today was the day we were all officially given our school assignments for the year! I will be coaching a Junior class and I get my own class! I was a little worried about the dynamics I'd have with the other coaches at my school at first - but I quickly realized that everything will work out and now I'm super excited. I think we'll have a great team. John and Jessica are both Junior coaches too, but at different schools. This is great cause we can help each other out, but not be together every second of every day. And I liked both of my possible supervisors so it was a win-win, but I find it really easy to respect and communicate with my supervisor, Renato, and we already have a nice rapport going, so I'm excited about that.

This afternoon we all got to leave early to work with our school teams to do a scavenger hunt. Again the dork in me is loving it! Haha, it's really great to have some time with just my fellow school coaches.

Anyways, that's about it for now, but I'll write more soon!

*paz*

The Long and Long of it...

Okay, well I was supposed to have access to some kind of internet by Monday, but that has not proven to be the case - so I'm back at the good ole' Thunderbird Cafe at 9:30 on Wednesday evening trying to update all you good people on how things are out here. So much has happened since Sunday that it's a bit of a daunting task, and I still have some unpacking to do tonight - but I'll try my best.

We're slightly more than halfway through our week of formal training (we have less formal training next week) and it's been a heck of a ride so far. We pretty much have training (I'm talking dense info overload lectures) from 8:30 in the morning til 6 at night. We even work through lunch! BUT - the staff is really doing a good job of making it as bearable as possible and it really helps that we all *want* to be there.

Let's see, Monday we started at 8:15 with breakfast and rousing game of "It's true that I have" which is essentially a game where you stand in the middle of a circle and say something that's true about you - and everyone else who it applies to has to move to another place in the circle and you try to get to a spot fast enough so that someone else is stuck in the middle. It's a fun icebreaker which I've played many times before - it's a new game with every new group. We've been doing different icebreakers every morning, which I actually love because I'm a dork like that.

Anyways, Monday was mostly about the history of College Forward and it's accomplishments, as well as going through our AmeriCorps contract (actually, this might have been yesterday - it's sort of all running together). Yesterday we talked more about understanding the circumstances of our students and being culturally sensitive - etc. And we wrote a letter to ourselves that they'll send to us after we've left the program. I think my letter was a little overly sentimental (surprise surprise) but it'll still be interesting to read one day. We also had some former College Forward students come in and give us feedback and advice - and it made me so excited to get into my classroom, but also terrified.

That dichotomy actually seems to be the theme of my week, thus far. It's hard because we're learning more and more about what we're expected to accomplish, but I've yet to really be told how we're expected to accomplish it. I could be in front of a room full of students in less than two weeks, and right now I don't know the first thing about how to teach them. It's just a little overwhelming. And you know I hate failure, I'm a total perfectionist, and I know that this is going to be a learning process. It all just kind of scares me - that I'm not going to be as good at this as I'm hoping to be, or as they're expecting me to be.

On the other hand, I can't begin to describe how amazing it feels to be facing an entire year of devoting myself to something I'm passionate about. Getting to work myself raw - for a cause I believe in. And being surrounded by people who are throwing themselves into it with just as much passion. It's so uplifting to be around the other coaches, who are excited and scared like me - and who share this passion which has brought us all here. And it's so inspiring to be around the staff, people who are a little older than me who have found a way to have a life that's built around the things they really care about it. This job can be ridiculously hard, but they love coming to work everyday. I hope I can learn from them - how to have a life like that after this year.

In fact, although I'm refusing to make any decisions about my future this early, it only took about half a day for me to realize that it's going to be much harder for me to walk away from this little organization than I ever thought. I'm already starting to feel a since of ownership - feeling my heartstrings entwining themselves in the fabric of this cause. My roommates and I have already talking about the possibility of serving a second year - and Jess and I confided in each other the secret desire we've both had from the getgo - to be hired as staff for College Forward. I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know that - as scared as I am - I feel like I fit here - truly fit. Indeed, it occurred to me the very first day - that my extremity of energy, emotion, and passion that has made me a little out of place for most of my life - it all channels perfectly into this situation. You actually need that much of all of those things to make it in this world. It's like I was made for it. Maybe I was.

Meanwhile, the one other big worry that's getting to me right now came up today. Most of today was about professionalism - and consisted over going over every policy about co-worker interaction and student-coach interaction, and confidentially expectations - etc. First of all, we went through this huge list of possible scenarios for working with our students today - and they were all derived from actual past situations. It was really terrifying - nothing dangerous - but just some very sticky situations. This - however - doesn't make me as nervous as it could because I'm a huge advocate for just going to my supervisor for helping in handling any situation in which I feel way over my head. And they seem to support that too.

My big thing is the in-office dynamic between myself and my co-workers. This divides itself into two important types of relationships - friendships and romance. Basically, what I've gathered thus far about all this (although we're not officially discussing it til tomorrow) is that coaches are encouraged to be friends, while the letter of the law says that we can't be friends with any of the permanent staff. And romantic relationships appear to be off-limits. This is entirely unexpected, but where it gets complicated is that fact that they don't really seem to follow their own laws to the letter. For instance, last night a few of us coaches went and played trivia at a bar with the staff. Amy (one of the other coaches) and I stayed after the rest of the newbies left and played another round with the rest of the staff. We had a drink, told jokes, and generally acted perfectly casual with each other. They were obviously fine with it last night, but it's hard to know now where that line is.

I've always had difficultly with understanding my relationships with authority figures - and it's even harder now that I'm an adult and authority figures are - essentially - my peers in terms of age. I really really like these people, and while I have no problem respecting their authority at all - I have a harder time with the knowledge that there's a limit to how friendly I can be with them. I'm just not used to putting restrictions on how I know people. I'm not worried about doing it with my students, because I'm the one with the authority and I'm prepared for it. I'm more aware of the line because I set it. But with the staff, these are the people that I'm going to be spending pretty much ALL of my time with for the next year - maybe longer. So it's kind of lonely to think that there will be this barrier between us. But I have the other coaches - especially Jess and John who are quickly becoming real friends.

Of course the other issue is romantic relationships. Of course I absolutely understand the need for rules like that in a workplace - especially at such a small organization. The dynamics between 2 people absolutely affect the group as whole. So in theory I have no problem. In actuality - I'm just wondering how I'm even going to meet other date-able people when so much of my time is going to be dedicated to College Forward. On top of that - how do I stop myself from becoming interested in someone? Especially when we work together so closely. I know that people do it all the time - but *I've* never had to do it and I've never been particularly good at denying myself any potential relationship.

Still, I can't help but see the value in it. And regardless of whether I agree or not, it seems to be the policy (we'll see tomorrow) and I'm not going to jeopardize my position within CF over something like that. I just keep reminding myself of what's most important to me and why I'm really here.

And I'm trying to help myself get over all my stress about relationship dynamics in the workplace (who is surprised that what I'm concerning myself with most is the human relationships? lol) by focusing on something a former CF AmeriCorps member told us today. He just emphasized that CF is more than just a tight-knit organization - it's a family. And that comforts me. Because you can be super close to your family, you can love them and get along with them and bond with them. It's simply a different sort of relationship than you have with friends. There are just some things you wouldn't do with your parents and somethings you wouldn't talk about with them (and vice versa), but in the end those things don't really matter.

And truthfully, starting this new life in this new place - I'm thinking an extra family might be a really nice thing to have. :-)

I wanted to tell you more about specific people, but the coffee shop closes in 10 minutes and this is already way too long.

But that will come soon, along with more adventures!

Love y'all,

T. Lew

My CORRECT Address

Hey so it turns out I was wrong about my mailing address (for those of you I gave it to)

It's actually:

2213 Lawnmont Ave.
Apt. 203
Austin, TX 78756

Sorry! But now you can send me lovely letters!

Ta!

Lovely Weirdness

Hello all,

Now that it's Sunday I finally have a chance to slow down a little and update you guys in a little more detail. We don't have internet at our apartment yet (yes, I am losing my mind a little not being able to check my email every 10 seconds), so I'm camped out at this nifty local coffee shop called Thunderbird. It has organic, fairly traded tea which is served in these fun mugs and it also has wi-fi - so it's now my new best friend. Close runner up is my new roommate Jessica, who I am really liking. Actually, all my roommates seem pretty cool so far. Kevin and I probably have the most differences between us - at least in terms of the way we think - but he's a sweetheart so I think it'll just be a nice opportunity to grow.

I had to get up super early yesterday to take my mom and Mrs. Loftis to the airport, but it was kind of nice cause I got to take full advantage of my day. After I got back to my apartment, I went with Jess and her mom to go pick up this bed I found on craigslist. It ended up being like 30 minutes away and then we got lost so it took even long - but I finally ended up with a bed and then we found this garage sale where we managed to get a nice set of knives and a cool painting of giraffes. Yay.

Jessica and I spent the rest of the morning/afternoon shopping for various things at the target, bed bath and beyond, and walmart (which we finally found after much searching). I did all the driving which was nerve-wracking but also kind of nice because I finally started to learn my way around. It was also nice to have some one on one time with Jess because we realized all the things we have in common etc.

Last night all the roomies hung out in our room for a little while and just talked and Kevin and I finally got to explain how we knew each other and tell that whole story in detail. Then, Jess went out with her family and I went downtown with the boys to find a sports bar at which we could watch Phelps win his 8th gold medal (because we don't have cable yet) and we ended up walking all the way down 6th street in the rain and settling at this place called Woodrows - which had Blue Moon and is, therefore, my kind of place. I want to try local beers here but the one place I had the guts to ask at looked at me like I was crazy... so yeah I'll get to that.

Anywho, it was really nice talking to the boys and getting to know them better. We're definitely all different people but we have certain key things in common. Our family backgrounds - while different - are also strangely similar which is unusual for me. And I think we were all led to this place by similar desires/longings/needs to understand who we are as independent individuals. It's nice - in feeling like I'm on this journey of self-discovery - to have new friends that are journeying alongside me. And of course, we all love movies and 2.5 of us LOVE Harry Potter - which as most of you know - makes everything just wonderful!

I suppose that somewhere in my mind I was concerned about how it would be living with one girl and 2 guys , but I'm really liking how our dynamic is developing. It's already started to settle into a kind of family which I think we can all appreciate, being so far from home. It's nice having purely platonic guys friends to talk to. In fact, last night I mentioned at one point (after freaking out and deciding I have to return this pink chair that I bought and get a navy one) that I was trying to stop wearing jeans and t-shirts all the time and both John and Kevin go "well, that blue dress you wore on friday was really cute and looked great on you" - kind of out of nowhere and certainly without being prompted. SO maybe there is something to this idea of embracing my femininity.

Today I am running more errands, finally buying food, tracking down the Barnes and Noble (which, as it turns out, is nowhere near my house) and enjoying my last day of freedom before I really crack down on my budget.

Tomorrow I start my week of training and I'm far more excited than nervous. The truth is, as hard as I know this year is going to be, it feels so right to be here that it's hard to be anything but confident.

Other cool things:

We have almost completely furnished our apartment! We have this funky couch and loveseat set, a kick butt coffee table, and Jess and I found this really sweet dresser that I just love. Things are coming together!

Also, have I mentioned how much I love this town?? First of all, I feel so much like I fit in here - it's like this city was made for me. Downtown has all these cool hippie places but then it's big and has skyscrapers and big boulevards etc so that I don't feel claustrophobic. My part of town has brand new nice shopping centers right next to worn out strip malls with TONS of thrift stores (I consider this a good thing) and there are all these local businesses all around. And to top it all off, it's surprisingly beautiful. Not my area as much, but downtown has that kind of urban grace to it, like it just sort of fell together seamlessly, and south of downtown is just unreal. There are all these little rolling hills with TONS of trees that are a lighter shade of green than those in Georgia (less water?) and river, and there are these huge beautiful houses with this incredible southwestern (I'm assuming) architecture. Desert colors and stucco and stacked stone - just gorgeous.

I am very happy. More adventures tomorrow! I love you all~

T. Lew

Home is Where Your Boots Are

Hey. So it's almost 11 and I have to get up at 5 am to drive my mom and Mrs. Loftis to the airport, but I didn't want my first full day in Austin to end without me writing anything about it.

So let it be said that I'm here and things are good. Great actually. All 3 of my roommates are nice and fun - and each of them is different and brings their own spark. Our apartment isn't huge or super-luxurious, but it is both bigger and nicer than I expected. And in one day we've managed to get out hands on nearly all the furniture we need!

I saw the College Forward office today, met a bunch of the staff, already picked out a guy to have a forbidden crush on (some things never change) and learned a little bit more about what I'll be doing. The staff all seems super cool and passionate - my kind of people. And I think the work is going to be long and hard and longer and harder but so so so rewarding and so fun. I can wait to get my school assignment and meet my kids!

Austin is very hot and traffic is terrible and it's way bigger than I expected. But I LOVE IT! It's already starting to feel like home and the downtown is just so very cool and so very me. For all that this plan of mine seemed to just fall together as a series of happy coincidences - the last 24 hours have certainly convinced me that this is exactly where I'm meant to be.

I'm so excited for this coming year and all the challenges and joys it will bring.

More details when I'm less zonked (as in tired).

Paz