The Long and Long of it...

Okay, well I was supposed to have access to some kind of internet by Monday, but that has not proven to be the case - so I'm back at the good ole' Thunderbird Cafe at 9:30 on Wednesday evening trying to update all you good people on how things are out here. So much has happened since Sunday that it's a bit of a daunting task, and I still have some unpacking to do tonight - but I'll try my best.

We're slightly more than halfway through our week of formal training (we have less formal training next week) and it's been a heck of a ride so far. We pretty much have training (I'm talking dense info overload lectures) from 8:30 in the morning til 6 at night. We even work through lunch! BUT - the staff is really doing a good job of making it as bearable as possible and it really helps that we all *want* to be there.

Let's see, Monday we started at 8:15 with breakfast and rousing game of "It's true that I have" which is essentially a game where you stand in the middle of a circle and say something that's true about you - and everyone else who it applies to has to move to another place in the circle and you try to get to a spot fast enough so that someone else is stuck in the middle. It's a fun icebreaker which I've played many times before - it's a new game with every new group. We've been doing different icebreakers every morning, which I actually love because I'm a dork like that.

Anyways, Monday was mostly about the history of College Forward and it's accomplishments, as well as going through our AmeriCorps contract (actually, this might have been yesterday - it's sort of all running together). Yesterday we talked more about understanding the circumstances of our students and being culturally sensitive - etc. And we wrote a letter to ourselves that they'll send to us after we've left the program. I think my letter was a little overly sentimental (surprise surprise) but it'll still be interesting to read one day. We also had some former College Forward students come in and give us feedback and advice - and it made me so excited to get into my classroom, but also terrified.

That dichotomy actually seems to be the theme of my week, thus far. It's hard because we're learning more and more about what we're expected to accomplish, but I've yet to really be told how we're expected to accomplish it. I could be in front of a room full of students in less than two weeks, and right now I don't know the first thing about how to teach them. It's just a little overwhelming. And you know I hate failure, I'm a total perfectionist, and I know that this is going to be a learning process. It all just kind of scares me - that I'm not going to be as good at this as I'm hoping to be, or as they're expecting me to be.

On the other hand, I can't begin to describe how amazing it feels to be facing an entire year of devoting myself to something I'm passionate about. Getting to work myself raw - for a cause I believe in. And being surrounded by people who are throwing themselves into it with just as much passion. It's so uplifting to be around the other coaches, who are excited and scared like me - and who share this passion which has brought us all here. And it's so inspiring to be around the staff, people who are a little older than me who have found a way to have a life that's built around the things they really care about it. This job can be ridiculously hard, but they love coming to work everyday. I hope I can learn from them - how to have a life like that after this year.

In fact, although I'm refusing to make any decisions about my future this early, it only took about half a day for me to realize that it's going to be much harder for me to walk away from this little organization than I ever thought. I'm already starting to feel a since of ownership - feeling my heartstrings entwining themselves in the fabric of this cause. My roommates and I have already talking about the possibility of serving a second year - and Jess and I confided in each other the secret desire we've both had from the getgo - to be hired as staff for College Forward. I don't know what the future will bring, but I do know that - as scared as I am - I feel like I fit here - truly fit. Indeed, it occurred to me the very first day - that my extremity of energy, emotion, and passion that has made me a little out of place for most of my life - it all channels perfectly into this situation. You actually need that much of all of those things to make it in this world. It's like I was made for it. Maybe I was.

Meanwhile, the one other big worry that's getting to me right now came up today. Most of today was about professionalism - and consisted over going over every policy about co-worker interaction and student-coach interaction, and confidentially expectations - etc. First of all, we went through this huge list of possible scenarios for working with our students today - and they were all derived from actual past situations. It was really terrifying - nothing dangerous - but just some very sticky situations. This - however - doesn't make me as nervous as it could because I'm a huge advocate for just going to my supervisor for helping in handling any situation in which I feel way over my head. And they seem to support that too.

My big thing is the in-office dynamic between myself and my co-workers. This divides itself into two important types of relationships - friendships and romance. Basically, what I've gathered thus far about all this (although we're not officially discussing it til tomorrow) is that coaches are encouraged to be friends, while the letter of the law says that we can't be friends with any of the permanent staff. And romantic relationships appear to be off-limits. This is entirely unexpected, but where it gets complicated is that fact that they don't really seem to follow their own laws to the letter. For instance, last night a few of us coaches went and played trivia at a bar with the staff. Amy (one of the other coaches) and I stayed after the rest of the newbies left and played another round with the rest of the staff. We had a drink, told jokes, and generally acted perfectly casual with each other. They were obviously fine with it last night, but it's hard to know now where that line is.

I've always had difficultly with understanding my relationships with authority figures - and it's even harder now that I'm an adult and authority figures are - essentially - my peers in terms of age. I really really like these people, and while I have no problem respecting their authority at all - I have a harder time with the knowledge that there's a limit to how friendly I can be with them. I'm just not used to putting restrictions on how I know people. I'm not worried about doing it with my students, because I'm the one with the authority and I'm prepared for it. I'm more aware of the line because I set it. But with the staff, these are the people that I'm going to be spending pretty much ALL of my time with for the next year - maybe longer. So it's kind of lonely to think that there will be this barrier between us. But I have the other coaches - especially Jess and John who are quickly becoming real friends.

Of course the other issue is romantic relationships. Of course I absolutely understand the need for rules like that in a workplace - especially at such a small organization. The dynamics between 2 people absolutely affect the group as whole. So in theory I have no problem. In actuality - I'm just wondering how I'm even going to meet other date-able people when so much of my time is going to be dedicated to College Forward. On top of that - how do I stop myself from becoming interested in someone? Especially when we work together so closely. I know that people do it all the time - but *I've* never had to do it and I've never been particularly good at denying myself any potential relationship.

Still, I can't help but see the value in it. And regardless of whether I agree or not, it seems to be the policy (we'll see tomorrow) and I'm not going to jeopardize my position within CF over something like that. I just keep reminding myself of what's most important to me and why I'm really here.

And I'm trying to help myself get over all my stress about relationship dynamics in the workplace (who is surprised that what I'm concerning myself with most is the human relationships? lol) by focusing on something a former CF AmeriCorps member told us today. He just emphasized that CF is more than just a tight-knit organization - it's a family. And that comforts me. Because you can be super close to your family, you can love them and get along with them and bond with them. It's simply a different sort of relationship than you have with friends. There are just some things you wouldn't do with your parents and somethings you wouldn't talk about with them (and vice versa), but in the end those things don't really matter.

And truthfully, starting this new life in this new place - I'm thinking an extra family might be a really nice thing to have. :-)

I wanted to tell you more about specific people, but the coffee shop closes in 10 minutes and this is already way too long.

But that will come soon, along with more adventures!

Love y'all,

T. Lew