I came home from my first night of teaching to an empty, very hot apartment - so I bolted for the Tbird to write a much needed blog update. Not so much because new things have happened etc. but because new things are being felt. (I thought a change of emotional scenery would be nice)
My first teaching class was both better and worse than I thought it would be. Better, because the kids are so fun and so peppy and just - teenager-ish - and I actually like that. Worse because there doesn't seem to actually be a whole lot of structure expected in our class (by either students or CF staff) and that sort of makes me feel like I'm trying to build a parachute in midair... or something.
It was a good experience overall, which unfortunately could've been far better if I hadn't been in such a funk today. Things have been wavering for a few days, and sort of settled into a little gray storm cloud when I woke up this morning. Not say I was in a particularly bad mood - things are just weird here. And I thought about avoiding mentioning it in here all but I decided to go ahead for two reasons. For one - it's cathartic. And two - I've pretty much only written about how amazing this place is and how happy I am, and I think it's important to give an accurate picture.
Today I was not particularly happy here. But it's not that I'm homesick, persay. I've been thinking a lot about home and missing it some, but I don't really want to be there. And I don't exactly want to be here, but I don't not want to be here. And I don't really want to be anywhere else (at least not more than I want to be here).
The problem with the present is that it just feels like something is missing. And of course, I realize that something *is* missing - that there about a million things missing from my life right now because I'm starting this new life here and it's only 2 weeks old. But I'd still like for things to feel just a little more normal. I know it's going to take some time and I have every intention of just riding it out.
The other problem though, is that I seem to be focusing far more attention on - not my present - but my future. I've been obsessing over where I see myself in a year, or two years, or five - whether it should be here or California, or Georgia or Europe or what. And whether I should be teaching or writing or filmmaking or acting or nonprofiting or saving the world or what.
And granted, I came here (read: left home) to figure all that stuff out. To sort of clear my head and get a fresh, unaffected perspective. But of course I never expected to get here and suddenly have all the answers I was seeking. But I find myself impatiently wishing for them anyways. I guess a part of me thought that I would get here and suddenly I would know that this was where I was supposed to make my home (or not) and that teaching or nonprofit work was what I was supposed to do (or not) and all my overwhelming and diametrically opposed dreams would just sort of disapate to reveal my path. And that sort of happened, for about a week. But then life became life again and of course things are never that clear cut - least of all for me.
So on the one hand, what I really want is to learn how to just be present and stop worrying and obsessing about the future. Because this *is* where I want to be right now - and my need to know whether I'll always want to be here is severely disruptive. I don't need to know everything about the future right now, I just need to chill out and not let this experience pass me by. It deserves to be enjoyed and the future will happen in its own time. But having said that, I cannot figure out how to make myself be present. How the heck do I do that?
And aside from all that, I am still worried. And I can try to find a way to not think about it right now and just accept that things will happen in their own time, but what if they don't. I know how bad I am at just making decisions, at accepting choices that I've made, at allowing myself to be limited. What if I never find a path that I'm truly content with and spend the rest of my life just flitting from one place and one life to the next without every truly knowing and loving anything or anyone? And what if I stop wondering, stop questioning, stop considering the possibilities and end up in some life that isn't right for me? It's not impossible, it happens all the time.
How do I shut off my brain and learn to just be content? And how do I find out who I am and where I'm supposed to be.
I'm the sort of person who needs a purpose. One purpose - not none or 20.
Anywho, I know things will settle back down. But that's the weather report for right now. Maybe internet tomorrow?
*paz*
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2 comments:
Hey there Layton. You probably don't know me because I started going to the PBSC in Athens last Spring and was really quiet. My name is Stephen. Well anyways, that's besides the point.
I think what you're going through is totally normal. I think a lot of people who aren't in an idealistic situation in college or the real world once they leave college feel that way. When you don't have that specific career picked out, that person you know you want to be with, that clear cut purpose, life is frustrating and scary. At least you know you're looking for purpose, which is part of the battle. I'm also glad you like Austin, because that'd suck if you moved out there and hated it.
Anyways, I think you'll figure things out. I think you just have to be patient and continue to find oppurtunities your passionate about and put your heart into them and the purpose that you're looking for will come. I know I'm one to talk because I don't do that enough. But things do happen.
Like I spend half of college wanting to transfer schools, switch majors, etc. I felt like I had no direction and finally just figured out that I wanted to work in middle schools. Life is funny like that.
I can't believe I wrote so much. I guess your journal just struck a chord with me.
Well hope all is well!
Hey -- it could be worse. You could be 51 and still trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up. :wink:
How'd the rest of the week go?
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