Let the sunshine in.

Texas is in a drought. Did you know this? Probably not, because 99% of the people who read this blog live nowhere near Texas. Nevertheless it is true. What's strange is that, because it's all I've ever known of Texas all this drought has translated to for me is endless days of sunny 77 degree weather in the middle of February. And it's quite hard to think of that as a bad thing. I'm sure it will seem less pleasant in July, but we'll cross that dried up riverbed when we get to it, eh?

In other news, one of my best friends here is surprisingly thinking of re-upping their Americorps contract at CF for next year. This should not actually be as surprising to me because I knew it was on the table, but I chose to pretend like it wasn't. Why you ask? Why would this not be exciting, happy news for me? The answer is - as always - that I'm a selfish person. And I like to get my way. And I don't want to be the only one of my friends not working at CoFo next year because it makes it that much harder to believe that I'm making the right decision by leaving.

Truth is, I really don't know if it's the right decision. I love my kids and for all its frustrations, I love CF. But I love other things too. And the passions that CF has kindled in me or reignited or fueled don't lead me back to CF. They lead me forward. And sometimes, moving forward might be all you know of what the right decision is. Not where you're moving forward to or why or even how, just that it isn't where you are. And none of this is to say I'm leaving Austin because it would most likely take an act of God to pull me away from this place right now.

I don't know exactly what next year is going to look like for me. It's weird being fairly certain of what 2 years from now is going to look like, and not knowing what 6 months down the road has in store. But I know that next year is going to be a year of figuring things out. Taking action in a number of different directions and throwing all of that into the air and seeing how things fall into place.

I know that's not what my parents want to hear, but sometimes you have to figure life as you go. And you have to give yourself freedom to do that. I moved here - at least in large part - because I knew that further down the road I was going to have to make hard decisions. About my life and where I choose to take it. And I wanted to have the distance to make those decisions for myself and not anyone else. So here I am.

This is what I'd like to see next year look like:

I'd like to see myself subbing, and if that doesn't provide enough hours or money, maybe working somewhere else part time as well. The responsible thing - I suppose - would be to get a full time job in some office somewhere, but if the year before grad school isn't the time to do less responsible things, then I don't know when is.

I'd like to believe that while I'm subbing and working part-time, I will have the energy and the time to invest my heart and soul into other things. Things like finishing my novel (if I haven't by then) or starting a new one (if I have). Things like educating myself on film, and making some of my own so that I can know for sure that it's what I want before I invest 3 years of my life into film school. Things like networking with other filmmakers in the area, and other nonprofits in the area. Maybe even networking with some nonprofits that do film work as advocacy. Because more and more, that does seem to be the shape that at least part of my future is taking. And - I'm learning more and more - that such groups of people exist.

I'd like to travel, if I can find the money and the support. To visit some of the NPOs I'm already familiar with and take a camera with me and see what happens. I want to have conversations with people that are about action more than just ideas. See, there are different ways of being responsible I think. I could anchor myself in something or I could anchor myself in clear concrete goals. Either way, I'm leaving behind the world of daydreams and stepping into what's real. It's hard. I'm a dreamer and a procrastinator.

But procrastination, I believe, is always driven by some sort of fear. And whatever that fear is, all you need is enough passion and ambition and strategizing to overcome that fear. I know that much. And if I know that much then it's possible for me to do it. One page at a time.

I talked to this really cool lady the other day and she asked me what is the one thing I want most for my life. She didn't categorize it any other way. She didn't say - in the long run or in your personal life or anything else. And what I said was I want to do film and help the world. And she said okay. So you're going to do both. How cool. What will that look like in your life? How do you imagine your ideal life in 5 or 10 years if it involved those 2 things. And I couldn't answer her. I said, "I don't know. I can't get past the vague idea." And she said that I had to start letting myself picture it in real, solid ways. Not necessarily realistic, just tangible.

So I've been thinking about that ever since. And I haven't gotten that far because when it comes to my future I can be an annoyingly big-picture kind of girl. But if I narrow it down to one day placed somewhere further along the timeline of my life, I can kind of conceive of this picture of what I'd like to see.

I'm in my car, driving. And I'm on the phone. For the sake of safety, let's say that I have one of those fancy cars where my phone is hooked up to my car's audio system and I don't have to have my phone to my ear or my headset. I'm explaining to the person on the other end of the line (I don't know who - a friend perhaps) that I'm rushing to get to the shooting sight of my film and I'm running late. I don't know for sure if I'm the director on this film, but I think I am. What I do know is that it's my film, I'm in charge of it, and it's my project, and it's a creative, commercial venture (not docu) that I've just begun shooting. I think maybe it's something that had been in the works for a while, but hadn't been filmed yet.

The reason it hadn't been filmed yet - I'm explaining to the old friend on the phone - is because the previous fall I was travelling between the U.S. and Brazil, or maybe Guatemala, filming a documentary that connects the strands between children growing up in our country and children growing up in whichever of those countries I was traveling to. I was studying the startling similarities that exist between the impoverished children in our country and those in others. It was an exhausting project, and I wasn't entirely satisfied with it, but I felt that we had struck on something real and deep.

And now - at this moment in the future, I have shifted away from that work back to a fictional, self-indulging project and just a few days before this moment when I'm driving in my car and talking on the phone I had been struggling with the transition, but then that same afternoon I had watched a scene unfold on set and I had seen this new young actor I had discovered strike on something real too - something within himself. And that one scene had reminded me once again why I do this work.

I cut my phone conversation short when Meredith (Loftis) beeps in on the other line. She wants me to call another Lightshiner she's been in contact with that needs the help of my particular expertise. I get the lowdown on the case from Mere and promise to call the Lightshiner when I'm done shooting for the day - as long as it's okay if I call late. She says that's fine and we make plans to catch up that weekend.

As I'm hanging up wiht her, I'm pulling into the dirt lot on the film site. Stepping out of my car, I take in the smell of fresh grass and notice how very much it feels like coming home.

I don't know if I'm married, or dating, or single. I don't know if I have kids. And I don't know how far I am from my family. I can't see that part yet, but I know that I'm happy. Tired, emotionally stressed, and busy as hell. But happy. And proud.

It's not a bad picture, right?

I was going to write in here about some exciting film school related news, but this entry is hella long and I've got to get up horribly early in the morning. So I'll let it go for now, but look for that in the next day or so.

Oh yeah... I went to the bookstore today and ended up buying The Poisonwood Bible. I'm really stoked!