Awesome in Austin

Sorry for the crappy entry title, I usually pride myself on my quick wit. Nonetheless, things have shifted once again (more like righted themselves) so it seems necessary to update.

I talked to the boy crush. As promised in my previous entry, I followed through on my decision to tell said crush the truth about how I felt in hopes that - at most - he'd feel the same and - at least - I'd be able to preserve our friendship. Thank goodness for the least of these. I forced myself to talk to the boy in person - confrontation being something that I have somehow become absolutely terrified of in recent years - and I'm damn proud of myself for it. It was probably one of the most awkward conversations of my entire life, but it could have gone a whole lot worse.

And while that initial conversation didn't bring quite the relief or peace of mind I was hoping for, the email exchange that followed it (when we were both more in our element - writing - and had time to process it) certainly helped a lot in that department. Knowing that my feelings weren't reciprocated (not really a surprise in this case), I was able to spend the email focusing on the fact that I cared the most about preserving our friendship, and that I wanted to be open and honest so that we could move forward. And Tim had it in him to write me back and totally open up to me about what's going on in his life and in his head. I have to say that -even though it wasn't the point - it was nice to know that my putting myself out there was met by him in some way.

The better part, though, was realizing that Tim and I really are friends. We care about each other (if not in the exact same way) and it's just so wonderful to know that I'm establishing real, deep, meaningful relationships here. With people I genuinely care about and want to know. So the result of all that talking and truth telling and emailing was that I felt much better about the whole situation and really glad that I told him the truth.

And now, a week later, the happiness of knowing that we're real friends has worn off a little and I'm left with the knowledge that even though I'm glad we're friends, it doesn't change the way I feel about him. But I'm still glad that I told him, and I still feel good about where things are headed. If I can't have things the way I want them (and I can't, I keep reminding myself) this really isn't a bad alternative.

The other upside to all of this confessing is that with the exit of lies and hidden truths, my January funk seems to have taken its leave as well. People are still pretty frustrated at work - for various reasons that I don't necessarily agree with - and it takes its toll on me to be around unhappy people. But Amy and I are strategizing ways to make it better around here, and I'm actually more amped up and productive at work than I have been all year.

I think if people can just be reminded of why they came here in the first place, and that we really do matter to these kids - everyone will be okay. And man am I here for the kids. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes all I want to do is hang out with my posse at Amy's house and never have to go to class. But then I have days like last Thursday where I'm sitting in the computer lab with my 8 student late class and I'm rockin' out to Taylor Swift (don't hate) with one of my girls, and 3 of my basketball boys are in one corner of the room teasing each other and just playing around. And they're all just being such *kids* and they're so adorable and I realize I just love them. I do. Those are the days when I feel like I could do this forever. Those are the days when I feel like I'm never going to be able to choose between kids and film. What is it about being 16 that makes everything feel so much more real? I don't miss the drama or the angst, but I do miss that.

In other news... Tim, Amy, John, Lauren (Amy's roommate), and hopefully Rocky, and I are thinking of living together next year and we found this amazing house that has 6 bedrooms, a swimming pool, pond, greenhouse, and a huge front, back, and side yard with huge oak trees. The guy renting it out is really cool and a big fan of cooperative living so he's giving us a pretty good deal. We put in apps for it and we're all really hoping it works out. Man, the thought that I can actually live with these amazing people feels too good to be true. Are people's lives allowed to be that cool? And Amy and I are going to rescue a cat from death row next year and I am so stoked.

Also, Anna is moving to Austin. I am scared to say or type that with any degree of definitiveness. But it might happen. It will *probably* happen. And I am so so psyched about it. Austin is like this oasis of perfection where all your dreams come true. And I'm just anxious to share that miracle with someone else I love.

My parents are coming to visit. Yaaaaaaaaay! I am way more excited about this than I should be. I guess I just want them to see the life I've made for myself here because I'm pretty proud of it. It feels more and more like home every day. I think I'm realizing that the hard part of leaving home isn't settling into some place new - if you find the right place - it's holding on tightly enough to both. Old and new. Which makes me wary about deciding how long I'm going to come home for this summer. And where I want to be when I turn 23. These are the things I think about when I'm bored at work.

At the end of March I'm going to LA for a long weekend to look at film schools, meet the cast of Supernatural (not kidding), and hang out with my favorite person that I've only seen 5 times in my life - Robin's cousin Lauren. This will be the most fantastic trip of all time and I'm itching for it.

Um... I don't know what else. Oh! I do know what else. So the thing about these crushes I develop and then torture myself over, is that they take this huge toll on my self-esteem and make me question how much I matter to other people and how other people see me. And I know enough to know that people with self-esteem issues are annoying to other people, so I try to avoid it whenever possible. But the last few weeks have been a struggle, and having handled the whole crush issue I am back to feeling like the badass that I naturally am.

I've missed it. You know, not everyone in the world is going to like you or want to be your best friend. But I have a lot of people in this world that care about me and I care about them. I'm living a great life and I'm incredibly happy. And you know - I haven't found anyone yet to build a relationship with. But I will. I know I will be loved. And when that time comes I will so be ready for it.

But in the meantime, I'm just gonna keep rockin' out to life. Next stop... published author.