A note on heroes

This is an awkward time to write this. It's Mother's Day and I'm writing about heroes and let's be honest - of course my mom is my hero (do you know the woman?!) - but that's not what I'm here to write about. I just got back from seeing Star Trek for the second time... and my reaction to that movie (obviously positive) and specifically the character of James Kirk has prompted me to say something about the characters that I have chosen as my role models in life.

It's funny to me that growing up - I always chose to idolize those characters in media and popular culture that made so much effort to rebel against and reject authority. Zack Morris (Saved by the Bell)... Shawn Hunter (of Boy Meets World)... Will Hunting... James T. Kirk (a la the newly revamped Star Trek). I have ALWAYS - without fail - aligned myself with those characters who placed themselves outside the status quo. Who refused to submit, and who were - generally speaking - cheeky bastards. What's funny is that while I have often been that person (a fair number of my teachers would testify to my disregard for authority) I have often also not been that person. I have often been the one so desperate for approval that I would sooner sell my soul than cross someone.

But that of course - testifies to the fact that I am not alone. It is not just me that idolized these characters... this particular archetype. Of course I'm not... after all, they were the stars of shows, weren't they? At least for my generation - and I would wager a millenia of generations preceding mine - a large number of people have idolized the rebel. Look how we elevate the cowboy! The pirate even, in modern pop culture. There is a piece in all of us - or at least most of us - I think - that wishes to be the rebel. To be that person that is so self-assured that they would flagrantly reject the wisdom of all those who have gone before them. And I don't know why - why that resonates within so many of us.

But I do know this. We all idolize those characters as children... but we all grow up to be different people. Some people put aside so idolizations and grow up to be happily rule abiding citizens. Some grow up to be so in line with rebel ideals that they fade out and fade away without leaving their mark.

And me? I'm 22 years old, and in my heart of hearts I still live by the code of the rebel everyday. So little of my life reflects that. My presence in Austin - so far from my home and what was expected of me - is one of the few exceptions. So is my staunch refusal to sell out and get a corporate, mindless, and secure job (not that anything is secure these days). And so... SO is my continuing commitment to pursue this whole film thing in whatever way it decides to manifest itself.

And that's the core of it. You see, I know that in order to do what I *want* to do in film... Zach Morris, and Shawn Hunter, and freaking James T. Kirk are exactly who I should be idolizing. The rebel cowboys that won't take no for an answer... they are the ones who make it in the world that I want to - MUST BE - a part of. And here's the thing... the thing that I am hesitant to say but must admit. Whether you see it or not... whether you're willing to believe it or not - I really think that if you stripped away everything unauthentic in myself... the rebel with a cause is exactly who I would be. I have these guilt issues and this perfectionism and this need to please. But these are environmentally inflicted things. They're unorganic. When I stop trying to be the way that I think I am supposed to be or that people want me to be... then I am that ballsy person.

And that is so essential. I'm tired of apologizing for who I am or what I believe about myself. So here's the truth - unforgivable as it may be: I think I have it within me to succeed at what I dream about it. I believe that I could take Hollywood and work it to my desire. I believe that I could be and WILL BE one of the big names. I believe that I'm talented beyond the norm. Well beyond the norm. And all I want is to remember to stop apologizing. To be who I am and be proud of it. Because once I've proven myself... then people may still be annoyed with me... but they won't be able to deny that I am good. I am damn good. And I will be great.

Watch for it.

All I have to do is stop apologizing... and start showing this cynical jaded and completely oblivious world just how much I am capable of.

One last note about these "heroes" of mine. It's important to recognize that they're not just mindless rebels... rejecting authority and breaking the rules for no good reason. Every single person like that that I have admired... the bottom line is they care. They care about the world and people and doing the right thing. In the end, they are not just unsubstantiated jerk burnouts... they are people who care... and people who know the only way to change anything in this world is to forget the fucking rules. To leave it all behind and just do what feels right.

I will be great. I will change things. And I won't apologize for it.