The World Enough and Time

I'm not perfect. Life is not all sunshine and roses and daffodils right now. It's not bad - there are wonderful exciting magnificent changes on the horizon. But it's not perfect - and that's why I'm back again writing another post an hour after my first one. Because once I'm opened that can of worms - well... I'm back again.

I'm not really that sad about college ending or my brother being old enough to have a kid - for all the reasons I mentioned in my last post. But I am sad about one thing. And I'm not crying about it really - or processing it really - because it's not constructive. It's not the kind of thing where processing it helps or where there's a solution. And it's not new. It's a sadness that I've been carrying with me since long before college and I think what I'm realizing is that I'm gonna take it with me forever.

I'm sad about my childhood ending. I am. I was never one of those kids who wanted to grow up. Really, I don't think I ever said the words "I can't wait til I'm older." I hated growing up. I dug my heels in and tried to stay as long as I could. Maybe that's why I seem young sometimes - I've been resisting for so long. It's funny that I'm so obsessed with coming-of-age novels and movies and stories when I've been trying so hard not to come of age. But I have. I've grown up.

I don't know that I'll miss college so much - but I still miss building forts and playing and pretending endlessly. I still miss when everything meant so much more and it seemed like time stood still. Most of all - I miss believing instead of knowing. Believing in a world of magic and adventure instead of knowing the world as it is.

I think part of it too is that I'm not just missing my childhood as it was. I'm sad about what it never was. God, it feels so goofy to talk about now - but when I was little I was so obsessed with all those fantasy adventures - Oz, Narnia, Middle-Earth - you name it. Somehow I was every hero in every one of those books. Somehow I bought into it all and actually thought that one day my life might become some kind of grand adventure in a secret world. I'd slay dragons and defeat evil kings and ride unicorns. I wanted so bad to be that kid with that life. And I actually believed it was possible.

See, I think most kids know pretty early on - at least on some level - that that's all just make-believe. And I think most kids are pretty much okay with that truth. But I didn't know - I didn't let myself know - for a long time. And however many years ago when the truth forced itself upon me - it was such a deep, heartbreaking disappointment - that even now it makes me sad.

I use to wish and hope and pray that one day I would stumble into a life where magic was real. It was really kind of ridiculous I guess - and maybe it's not so surprising that I was (and am) so incredibly socially awkward. But that's what my childhood was - believing. And it's gone - and I still miss that possibility.

I was watching Prince Caspian today and at the end Peter and Susan are saying how they won't get to come back to Narnia because they've nothing left to learn from it - and the point is - essentially - that they've grown up. They've come-of-age. And it's just hard to acknowledge that I'm at that point - that I've been at that point for years.

It's hard to live a life that your satisfied with when your unreasonably vivid imagination set your standards impossibly high.

So now I'm an average everyday adult - and how do I deal with that truth? I can't avoid it any longer. And I've been telling people I'm going to read Harry Potter to Hunter this summer to get him off to a good start - but I find myself wondering if I really want to send him down that road. Because if he believes like me - it'll be such a painfully rude awakening.

But you know, I think it's worth it. I think it's all I can do. Be a fantastic mother and aunt and tell amazing stories and encourage them to believe and cherish it for all it's worth. And try to see the magic in the world around me and to fight the epic battles that are right in front of me - not being fought with swords - but with love and hate. To live my life - as it is - as a great adventure and never take anything for granted. And maybe - to reach out - now while I can - and grasp a single tiny piece of the hope and faith before it's gone forever - and to stuff it deep down inside of me where it's safe and never let go of it. Maybe one day it will happen - better late than never. Maybe that's what heaven will be like for me. Who knows?


What it comes down to is - time passes. And I can't stop it. Everybody grows up, everybody gets old and everybody dies. And we don't know what comes before or after - and it scares me.

But it's good - knowing it's not all perfect right now- that's how I know this is real. And there's something to be said for real.