I guess I'm not really surprised that the catalyst for finally writing the blog entry I've been planning for so long was the new Narnia movie. Those sorts of things always seem to get my mind turning. And it's not really a surprise either that seeing that movie changed what I was going to write in this blog.
In the last 2 weeks, I've finished college, gotten my first real job (sort of), and watched my nephew (the first grandchild) get born among other things. These are big deals, and throughout all of them I was uncharacteristically stoic. My dad even pointed it out to me as we were leaving Charleston after Hunter had been born, telling me that I'd been surprisingly unemotional about the whole thing. And that was surprising, because I do - as a general rule - tend to be an emotional person. But I kept telling myself then that I simply didn't have time to be emotional right then, and that I would process everything once my life slowed down. From my abstract, distant perspective I reasoned that eventually I would cry about all of these things.
The end of college for obvious reasons - missing friends, missing the academic stimulus, saying goodbye to a way of life. Hunter's birth for less obvious reasons. Seeing my newborn nephew changed me and certainly thrilled me, but at some point I expected that it would make me sad to realize that my brother was old enough to have a family of his own - to be forced to recognize the endless march of time.
But then Hunter was born, and finals were over, and graduation happened and I came home to my parents condo. And I basically chilled out for a week. But I never found my way into the emotional process that I assumed had been waiting in the wings. Worried I was simply in denial, I forced myself to confront that state of my life right now.
And finally it occurred to me that - for better or worse - I just wasn't sad. Not about college and not about Hunter. Or I guess I am sad - about all the things I thought I'd be sad about. But I'm not distraught, I'm not wrecked, and I'm not in dire need of emotional processing. These negative feelings were certainly not the dominant ones.
With Hunter, sure it's big - huge really - to realize that I'm old enough to be an aunt. My parents are old enough to be grandparents, etc. The biggest thing was thinking about how I haven't lost any grandparents during my lifetime, and all of my great grandparents were either dead when I was born, or would die soon after. It was hard realizing that my grandparents are now at that point. But truthfully, Hunter is an incredible miracle. And I can't get myself to forget that fact. And in light of it, all these worries and sad truths sort of fade in intensity.
He's beautiful, this baby. And amazing for so many different reasons - not the least of which is the change his birth has wrought in me. I didn't know that I could love someone so deeply that I'd known such a short time. I didn't know how unbelievable it would be to see a human life begin. I didn't know I'd have these feelings or these instincts or this love. And now that I've been made aware of all these wonderful realities - I can't bring myself to wish for a time when I wasn't aware? When he wasn't here. How could I pine for a world without the hope of this new life in it? A new life to which I am inextricably tied.
And college. Honestly, how surprised should I really be that I'm not that sad about it ending? I mean sure I have awesome memories from these past four years, and Athens rocks, and I had these wonderful roommates and the PSC and some friends I'll probably have for the rest of my life. But college as a whole - as a phase of life - I mean it's never really been my cup of tea. I spent the first half of it missing high school and the second half dreaming about the future. It'd be ridiculous if I realized now that I actually loved every minute of it and wish I could go back.
I don't wish for that. College had its up and its downs but it always felt like the wrong place for me, and the fact that I'm not sad now - that I'm actually breathing easier, feeling freer - to me it's all proof that college wasn't the best four years of my life. I think these next four years are going to put college to shame - I really do. I think they'll be hard and lonely - at times - but there is just so much possibility. I've left the world of thinking and planning - and entered the world of doing and I truly love it. I love being free. I love having the world at my fingertips and being at the point I've spent so much of my life dreaming about. It feels good - especially knowing that it's happening in a way I really feel good about.
I'm feeling more confident, more defined, more empowered. I've spent so much of the past few years afraid of having an opinion or a voice - and suddenly that fear seems so insignificant. I want to speak and express and define. I want to do.
And I'm so excited about what's coming. About leaving. I know it will be hard - I know I'll struggle. I know that there will be days when I will wish to be back in the world I've known for so long. But I also know - I *know* - that going away is right. And I'm thinking about the person I was able to be in Asheville and in England. Unencumbered by my past and my weaknesses and the preconceived notions of me held by myself and all the people that know and love me. That glimpse of myself that I got while I was away in those places - it was brilliant and promising and I can't wait for the chance to find that person again. And maybe with time and work and experience, I can be that person all the time. At home and away. I'll just finally be the person that I've been waiting so long to become.
How can I be sad about the end of an era when I walk into the glow of one just begun - an era more promising and heavy with possibility than any I've yet encountered?
This is my time - and I am so thrilled to be here.
Okay - there was all this stuff I was going to say in response to Narnia - but now this entry is super long and I'm tired - so I'm going to go take a bath and watch Grey's and go to bed. And I will focus on that element tomorrow. Woo!
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