H-A-LL-O-W-EE-N spells Halloween

Happy Halloween to all! I'm currently writing to you in full Harry Potter garb - but not just any Harry Potter garb, mind you, angsty-emo Harry Potter garb! For more information on angsty-Harry please watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xD-Huwlg2kY

Yay! I do love Halloween - everybody is somebody else and everybody has candy! Kind of makes me wish I liked candy...

The thing that is eating my brain right now is that I'm so busy I can hardly breathe - much less write a decent blog entry. But I'm long overdue, so pardon the fact that this entry will probably be entirely ungrammatical stream of conciousness. I have been going strong with work for 3 solid weeks - working upwards of 50 hours including Saturdays. And tomorrow I have to wake up at 5:30 AM to go to College/Universidad 101 (our all day program for juniors and their parents). So my Halloween party hopping will be severely restricted this evening - but at least there's always tomorrow.

Needless to say, work has been beyond stressful these past few weeks, and there have been a couple of really rough moments. But at the end of each day I still feel like this is one of the best experiences I've ever had and there's nowhere else I'd rather be. My relationship with my class grows ever stronger, although I did have a disappointingly large drop in attendance this past week. :-(

Gosh, I can't believe I've only been here 2 and a half months. Life is so full and intense here I feel like time works completely differently - it feels like I've been in Austin for years. At times it feels like a gift - walking into this place and this life such a short time ago and already having a fulfilling job and a whole group of amazing friends and even a pseudo-family of sorts. But at other times it's overwhelming. Life here is SO intense and it's ALL CF. Thank God for my roommate Kevin - we may be different people but it's nice to have an outside influence. Even most of the people I've met outside of work I've still met *thru* people at work. And it's great - it is. I love these people, but between the endless hours of work, and work drama - and then never being able to escape it - I'm feeling a little burnt out. Next weekend I have nothing on my schedule and I intend to enjoy every second of it.

Still despite the stress and attendance issues, I'm still convinced that CF is an incredible program and a worthy cause - and my part in it will - I imagine - play a significant role in shaping the person I am - wherever my future my lead.

And once again, after only a few months here - "future" does seem to be the major topic of conversation these days. Everyone's either applying to grad schools or trying to decide whether they're doing a second year here and where they're going to live. And I find myself asking the same questions. When I first started at CF, I was so convinced that I wanted to stick with it and eventually get on staff. And then, when that desire died down a bit and I was assigned to juniors, it seemed a given that I would at least serve a second year as a coach and stay to see my kids graduate. But now, I'm not even sure about that.

It's not that I don't love CF - is that it's impossible to love with only part of myself. It takes everything - all my energy, all my time, and all my heart. And while I love it - it's not the only I love. And so long as I'm not planning on spending my life devoted to this cause - I'm not sure it's worth it to sacrifice everything else.

There are advantages. I'm planning on going to grad school in Fall 2010, and another year of AmeriCorps gives me another $5,000 scholarship, healthcare, and the optimum level of financial aid from any and every film school. Not to mention the value of sticking with my kids til the end - seeing them graduate and being there for them. And if all of my friends stick around - then it'll be hard to be the only one in Austin that isn't still at CF (more on that soon).

But I don't know if I can do another year of this. I'm averaging 51 hours a week, the management really doesn't have our back and treats us all like deliquent children. Add to that that I have no time to date, attend church, or make friends that aren't associated with CF. Not to mention - I don't have time to do any of the other things I care about - I hardly have time to read - let alone write or work on movies. So part of me feels like if I stick with CF - then I'm going to come out of it like having been stuck in a cave for 2 years. And if I'm going to spend 2-3 years of my life in grad school, I don't want to spend the one free year I have left feeling trapped. Another 10 month commitment is SO long.

But if I'm not doing CF, what do I do? Where do I go? I don't think I'm interested in moving some place new - I don't want to spend another year getting established somewhere. So that really leaves me with going back home (Atlanta or Charleston) or maybe going somewhere like NYC for a year. But NYC is a bit of reach - given my current financial state. And there's something to be said for spending a year back at home if I'm going to be forced to be so far away from my family for so long during school. But I worry that if I went home now - I'd never be able to leave again.

And what I'd really like to do next year is find a job where I don't have to work as many hours - and just make enough to pay my bills, and spend the rest of my time working on writing and film. If I can prove to myself before hand that I could be productive in those endeavors, it might just be worth it. But I couldn't afford to do that and live in NYC, Chaztown, or ATL. But I could do it here. I've already proven I could live on a small budget, and I think it'd be easy enough to make my budget a little larger.

Plus, I like it here. I mean - I miss my family and friends everyday. I do. And I miss the mountains, and the ocean and tall trees and old buildings and people that drink sweet tea. But I have this family here. And this feels like my city - it feels like our city. I feel like I'm a part of something here. And I feel like the person that I am here is a person that I want to be. No matter how much I grow and change and an individual, when I'm back in Atlanta I still feel like I can't get away from the less-confident, angsty teenager I was back in the day. I just want to fully come into the person I am now.

So it seems smartest to stay. And I'm pretty sure that if I went home - I wouldn't miss home anymore, but I would miss here. And here is a home for me in it's own right.

It's weird to be trying to figure all of this out now - but then - I feel like it's never too soon. Suffice to say that I still don't really have any idea.

I think my ideal would be - if I had money enough and time, I would continue living here. I'd finish my time at CF, and I'd spend my summer in NYC. And then maybe I'd come back for awhile and I'd work wherever, and then I'd travel for a bit. Spend some time back in Atlanta, Charleston and God - I'd love to go back to Europe for a few months. I could still volunteer at CF sometimes and be around for my kids. Of course I don't know how I'd make any of this happen, but maybe I could. It's always possible. And I could write the whole time and experience for one year at least - the life I've been dreaming about since I was four.

We shall see.

That's the update, I'll try to get some free time for another one soon!

PS. I want a pet squirrel!